Thursday, June 21, 2007

AUNTY BELLA - MISS NEW LEAF

Dear Aunty Bella,
I really enjoy all the Aunty Bella series and would like to share my dilemma with you.
I just turned 30 and feel like I have finally reached a turning point in my life.
See from my teens and all through most of my twenties, I was a real WILD CHILD.
I used to be very quiet, reserved and shy as a child but I was one of those girls that developed very early physically. My father is white while my mother is Nigerian so I am of mixed heritage. Along with all that came a false sense of confidence, boys (and men) were constantly chasing after me. I never had to do any work in school or elsewhere. Guys would do my homework for me, buy things for me etc…
I never knew my father, as I believe he was on a posting to Nigeria when my mother got pregnant and he left soon after never to be heard from again.
My mother tried her best but we never had much but from meeting me, you would never guess. I always looked well dressed and well groomed from head to toe.
When I was 18 and awaiting admission to university, I met this older gentleman who started ‘taking care of me’. Since my teens, I had had boyfriends who spoilt me but this was on another level, he sent me to school in Europe and just showed me the so-called ‘luxury’ life. I am talking about diamonds, trips round the world, living in the Dorchester for months and all that.
All this time, I told everyone I met that my father was a late European royal who died and left me his inheritance to explain how I could afford my lifestyle.
When I was in Europe, I rebelled against my older ‘boyfriend’ (this man was actually older than my father) and started keeping other boyfriends and that is how my life started to spiral further downwards.
My boyfriend dropped me and stopped paying my fees. All the guys that I was dating suddenly disappeared when I could not afford to keep up with the spending (I later realized that many of these guys were after ‘my money’ and fictional ‘inheritance’)
To cut the long story short, my twenties were filled drugs, men, hopping from one place to the other, squatting with friends and generally having no direction in life. I finally moved back to Nigeria about 3 years ago, I got here and continued on the same path of partying and men. 2 years ago, I woke up one morning and it was as if I saw myself for who I truly was. I looked in the mirror and cried. I looked old, gaunt, saggy and used. I cried for hours but that was a turning point. I prayed, I moved away from Lagos and built my relationship with God. Somehow, my pastor’s wife who had a similar background took me under her wing, allowed me to stay in their house and got me a job. I am now doing very well in my job and happy with my life. The problem is that after being celibate and staying off men for these 2 years, I have finally met someone who respects me. He is courting me in the Christian way and is very serious about our relationship. Here is my problem, I don’t know if to tell him about my past. Bella and readers, I have done some unimaginable things, things that you only read about in novels, the wildest things you can imagine both with drugs and men. It took me a long time to forgive myself but even now I still have crying fits and feelings of depression because of the wasted years.
My man is a saint, believe it or not, he is a successful, handsome man in his thirties yet he is celibate and focused on his relationship with Christ, he was born in Nigeria but grew up in the US and doesn’t have that many friends in Nigeria (I am guessing that is why he has not heard my story). I feel the need to tell him my story but I am scared that even though he loves me, he will not be able to handle it, other men who seemed serious have dropped me in the past once they found out about my past so you see why I am afraid. When I have children in the future (especially daughters), I don’t know if to tell them about my life as well.
Please what should I do, should I tell him or just enter this marriage like that.
Also, I am afraid that if I don’t tell him, one of his friends or family will spill the beans later. Please help!

Miss New Leaf

WOW! Please give her your advice. I admire Miss New Leaf for overcoming her past.

76 comments:

My 2 cents said...

I guess I'm first so here it goes:

In christ all things are passed away and we become new beings.

If you think telling your man about your past will change his outlook of you, then he might not necessarily be the saint you claim he is.

If God can forgive us and I hope you have forgiven yourself, why do you think this gentleman will not forgive you?
Think about it, most importantly pray and tell him about it.
You made your mistakes and have chosen a new path, you should be commended.

Tell him, rather than you hurting him more if he hears it out somewhere, where it might not be painted as rosy as you'd like.

Pray, pray,pray my dear. Life is unfair and we make wrong choices but we learn and apparently you have.
Be well and God is in control.

eastcoast said...

miss New Leaf,
I don't think it is really necessary for you to spill the beans and go into detail on what you did in the past with your lover. The past is the past. We have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, it is the devil that keeps bringing the guilt; he is making you feel very conscientious because he is unable about your new few faith in Christ. The lord has forgiven you. He said, "though your sins be like scarlet they shall be as white as snow". Forget all about your past. On the other hand, you could go ahead and discuss your past with your lover if it will make you feel much better and innocent. Go ahead and let it all out. Be very honest and open when discussing it and hopefully, your mindset will be contagious, which on the other hand, will make your lover very receptive without a sense of judgement but rather amusement and understanding.

eastcoast said...

I can't believe I was actually the second poster. Wow!

Thoughts Aloud said...

From what she said about "her fiancee not having heard about her past yet", seems like she was a popular jingo.I believe in the notion, that your past should remain where it is, in the past.But since she comes across as someone very popular, then she needs to have a talk with him and fess up.Let him not put her on a pedestal only for her to come crashing down.
And being a Christian like she says he is, hopefully he would forgive her and they could move on.
But pls sister, spare me the part of saying ur past made u who u are.
Wrong, you can control your future.The wind may blow, but u can set ur own sails.You lived your life the way you chose to live it, granted you may have been naive at times, but all the decisions you made, you made them yourself.Cut that crap.Since you've decided to be honest, go all the way and be honest without trying to bring in the pity part.

Yetty said...

wow cant bliv i made first 5

Yetty said...

ok i think its better she tells him than for him to hear from outsiders later...if hes d one for her...he will stay wit her regardless.....i wish her luck sha

Everyone Loves a Naija Girl said...

I agree with Yetty. You should be the one to tell him, rather than him finding it out from someone else. That will only lead him to wonder what other things that you are keeping from him.

If you guys really have a serious relationship, and he loves you for you, then he should love you in spite of things that have gone on in the past. And if you tell him and he dumps you, then he never really cared that much for you to begin with and you should move on and find someone who will love you...everything about you.

And apart from that, your guy may not be as perfect as you think he is. And this could be just the thing for him to open up on somethings as well.

All and all, an honest relationship is the best kind of relationship there is. Good luck!

Kpakpando said...

Ms. new Leaf, I suggest you take it to God to direct you on this new decision.

Personally I'd say leave it, no need to share with him besides who's to say he doesn't already know? After all nothing is hidden under the sun, and naija isn't bigger than texas, even if you're in a remote village in Gombe state, someone knows your gist, unless your bobo is a complete jew man and knows nobody AT ALL. Who says he actually wants to know every exact detail of your life? He knows you're 30 and have lived your life, so unless you lied to him or otherwise misled him to believe you're an angel, he knows you have a past. I find that men are very unforgiving when it comes to things like these, and it will take a very special kind of man to accept a "reformed ho" as a wife, regardless of the fact that they're being completely hypocritical and have led worse lives.

My suggestion is to pray until God answers you, and he will too. Best of luck with whatever happens.

Sherri said...

girl,
it seems u need to forgive urself first.if God has forgiven and cleased u what does it matter if a man can't?moreover,if he's a true christian he will let the past be the past(u don't need his forgiveness, u need his love.)u don't need to go into the sordid details (why rehash the pain)it would be sufficient to tell him u have a past u're not proud of, and the present speaks for itself.

come to think of it, would u be in his life if u hadn't been on that wild journey?

one of the benefits of being in Christ is "casting all ur cares on him" he will perfect that which concerns u.
Stay blessed

Fairchild said...

Miss New Leaf,

First of all - Thank God,

I feel the only way to move forward is to tell the complete truth, leave nothing out... and if's he's the one for you, he will be able to look past your past and build on the future you both have together.

Telling him accomplishes a lot of things...
For one he will be forewarned and be able to defend you under circumstances.
You have someone who has looked past all your short comings and still accepts you for who you are- priceless.
It is best he hears such things from you and not others (hear says)

For you daughters, only at a suitable age, tell them like stories...

I hope this helps, will pray for you my sister, God bless.

Anonymous said...

Hi,I've never done this before..giving advise online . But I feel very compelled to do this. Live for today and in awarness of all the goodness and blessings it brings. Never again dwell on your past- however painful it may have been. No one comes into our lives by "accident", because by Divine providence for each soul we come across there's a lesson to be learned from our interactions with them. In this case, perhaps the lesson here is to have confidence in the strength of love and the power of forgiveness. Tell him your past, every single thing. And he decides to walks away, just know that if he's love for you wasn't strong enuogh to forgive you, then he wasn't the one for you aferall.

tatafo! said...

hmmm this is not easy oh, James 5:16 says "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much"

So in a nutshell, before you spill the beans, pray hard because it might send your hubby-to-be running.

I do believe that your burden will be lifted once you do so and you may find your freedom there. You are going to spend the rest of your life with him and though it's painful and scary, it's wiser that he hears from you and not from other sources.

I also want to say though that you don't have to tell him the whole sordid story. Just like you surmarized(sp) it for us Bella readers, give him a summary story as well.

My prayers are with you, it's not easy I and know it for a fact since i have a few skeletons in my closet as well.

Icy said...

Aiight this one is tough. Only because I have a friend who has been through EXACTLY the same thing maybe worse... Oh! Believe me there is always worse.. She's married. I asked her how she was able to get it all past her husband and she replied " I let it on him easy." Please Miss New Leaf DO NOT sit him down and spill the beans all at once my dear that will be SUPER DUPA OVERWHELMING.
Even saint’s need time to assimilate information. Especially a dark past.

Honesty is the best policy but my dear, just cuz u’re going to spend your life with someone doesn’t mean they have to know EVERYTHING about you before ya’ll get married. It took you 30 years to get to you. You can’t give him a crash course in 2years. He’s got the rest of your lives to figure you out. Heck we are all a work in progress . Even you’re still figuring you out.

I’ll say let him know in small doses. Have mini sessions, play a game like: “Tell me something about your past that you’re not proud of?.” Play this game over time Random times depending on moods. Restrict it to one sentence or two. Share good and bad times that way it’s balances. It’s something exciting for your relationship and you get to ease your mind slowly.

I hope you figure this out. I understand sharing, but I leave my past in my past, unless it will interfere with the future in that case I pray, Hope he can handle it and keep living.

ALL THE BEST BABZ.. Keep your New Leaf.. Looks good on ya. ;)

Adeolu said...

The best thing for you to do, is talk it over with him, and if possible involve your Pastor. This is the only way by which you can save yourself from future embarrasment.
The other issue is that I hope other Nigerian girls, especially the ones in diaspora who get caught up in the thrills of life, need to learn from this lady's experience. As my Grandma will always say " Ohun ti aye ba so eda ni won o fi bu e bo di ola" which can be interpreted in English to mean, " The same thing people are praising you for today (e.g Big Girl, Society lady,Tripper, Party Animal, Stuntsman) are the same things they will use to discredit you tomorrow.

BiMbyLaDs** said...

pray before u say a word. do not involve any 3rd party.

all d best...

bella how far now...?>

Anonymous said...

i have been celibate since November 1997 and i am 31 yrs old (10yrs now) . They come and they go once they know i am celibate - they only stick around for awhile, cos they cant deal with it. I will continue being celibate until i get married.

Anonymous said...

Tell him about it...but there is no need to go into so much details. It seems as though u were pretty popular with ur escapades, so there is no escaping the fact that someone else might tell him- which will bring distrust and betrayal-. Better he hears it from u than elsewhere.

Since u believe in God, have faith that he won't let ur past tarnish ur future. If this man is truly ur's he'll stay.

Good luck, and stay strong.
Nma

tatafo! said...

@Adeolu please why are you only pointing at naija girls in the diaspora? talk to Lagos girls they are the ones doing open eye pass anyone, you've not heard of Unilag and Uniport girls?
ah ahn!

AsknGod4wisdom said...

Hey Dear, I have never done this- giving advice online but I feel that what I have to say may be helpful to u. :) First of all, I believe that it is important that u pray to God always as I am sure that u already know. Before u decide to talk to ur man about this, pray that God leads u and lets u know if he is really the one for u. Why? It does not make any sense re-living and opening up a case load of past hurts (that will no doubt leave u sad and emotional after talking about it)to someone that in the end is not urs and u r not meant to be with. As soon as u are sure of that- u know he is meant for u- then I say u tell him EVERYTHING!!!! Look, I know many people tell u to give him details here and there but the danger with that is if he misses something or misunderstands something u say (which we know communication can be tricky sometimes) and God forbid he hears the real detail somewhere else, it will seem like u lied and then u r dealing with a trust issue- which is a bigger problem. However, the depth and details u give him will depend on how the conversation goes when u guys start talking about it. U will be able to tell by the way he listens and acts if u need to go in more details or not. And if u r in doubt, when u are giving him summaries, ask him if he wants u to be specific that way u r giving him the choice to hear it ALL and u r being honest to him and urself about where u r coming from. When u r talking to him, ur aim is to make him understand u feel he should know certain things about u, and THAT'S ALL! U r not what ur past was, u r a new person and God has forgiven u and u need to forgive urself as well love. I can tell that u haven't let go of some things and u need to. Another reason I feel u need to be honest with ur man is because he could be that missing part that will help u completely put ur past behind u and shut that door. Because then he will know all about u and love u all the same. U need someone that understands u and ur past and encourages u and this could be it staring u in the face.
But regardless of what happens, u r not ur past and u need to remember that always. U are a different person from what u were before and am sure u know that! Sorry did not mean to write such a long one. :) Stay blessed and I will pray for u that God's will be done in this situation. Laters love.

catwalq said...

me thinks I have to make your blog my home page so that I can make top twenty. shi kena

Ladybrille said...

New Leaf, your soon to be husband is operating from the standpoint of a Christian faith which means he has deep moral convictions. The fact that he has waited to marry before he has sex says he truly believes in his faith and practices it. Therefore, knowing his moral beliefs and value systems, I think you have a moral obligation to tell him about your past.

If, however, he hypothetically or in reality has a past like you, then I don't see the need to let him know because the issue is moot --you both share similar history.

It is not necessary to go into details but it is a MUST that you be honest with this man. Otherwise, he will think you have not been completely honest with him and the TRUST will be shattered. Plus, it is highly embarassing for him to find out from others your history. Trust me, you will not want people telling your guy about your past, with so many twist and hearsays.

I think it will shock the hell out of him, that is if he does not have a similar past. But, when the shock is over, if he is rationale, he will understand that having experienced the kind of life you did, you have an even greater commitment and resolve towards your faith.

Accordingly, if he truly loves you and practices what he preaches, then he will forgive and walk down the aisle towards that altar to make you his; with complete confident that YOU ARE THE ONE.

Kpakpando said...

tatafo ^5
I don't know why there's a misconception that its naija girls in the diaspora that are "looser" as if ashewo tendencies only come to light in certain area codes.

catwalq said...

To avoid unpleasant surprises, I advice you come clean. You will be amazed that some men can be the strong non judgemental type that we hope them to be.
If he rejects you, I am telling you right now that God has once again come to your aid. It is quite easy to avoid alcohol, drugs, theft and sex and call your self a pious person and at the same time, discriminate against people based on their misguided actions.
Take your time, if he is the one for you, he will be there for you otherwise, allow him to move on the scarf and ill-fittingly dressed woman who fulfills his ideals of the perfect woman.
BTW: No human being is a saint. And u have to die before u can be made one.

truth said...

Dudette I think you should tell him. I thought about something in this line earlier today cos I can relate to your position. My thoughts were driven by Oprah's summary (on yesterday's show) on how she was molested then impregnanted at 14. I was a little dazed at her boldness in voicing that out on national TV but I bet there was just a handful of people (like me) just hearing it for the first time.

Point is my lady, be bold. Better face the beat now than later. That way noone can put your past against your future and you'll be more confident in your choice of a husband. No; don't expect a pat on the back from him but you'll have peace within you when it's all said and done.

You don't need to throw all the details out to him, but it's important to clear the air especially since you feel you built a really bad rep then. You sound sincerely changed so I'll be rooting for you lady!Just be bold.

addicted to Bella said...

I say you tell him. Better to hear the truth from the horse's mouth that the exaggerated story from "Awon Aiye".

You the worse that could happen already.

addicted to Bella said...

I mean't you know the worse that could happen already as per him leaving you. And to be honest you wouldn't want to be with someone who could accept you and your past.

Anonymous said...

I think you should tell him; however, remember that its not what you say sometimes. It's how you say it. Maybe talk to your pastor's wife to advice you since she will knows both you and your boo.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, wisdom is a principal thing. Men are not as forgiving as we think even christians. i think you should go to ur pastor and let him counsel u how to go about it. Telling him ur past is good but is it neccesary. Also is he a forgiving person. Just dont let everyone or everything force you to pay for ur future with ur past. To err is human and to forgive is divine. all the best

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Anonymous said...

Abeg pardon my naivity, bella i love ur blog to pieces... but this ur "AUNTY BELLA" series na truth abi na fiction... anyhow sha Miss New Leaf just try down about enough alcohol then tell the guyman wetin dey... if na luv i sure say the bobo go understand... otherwise carry go... I luv y'all my naija ppls... and by the way that chick wey dem dey call Overwhelmed... baby ur Laugh sweet my Bele... abeg make una no mind me... i'm so wasted right now... pray for naija pls... bye bye

Anonymous said...

ICY i suggest become a shrink... u dey yarn fire...

djades said...

tatafo;
the same way you 'ignorantly' pointed to UNILAG and UNIPORT girls of all the universitites is the same way Adeolu 'ignorantly' pointed to naija girls in diaspora-
I went to UNILAG & do not appreciate being tarred with the same brush as whatever gist you might have heard!
same way I could sit down in Lagos and say XYZ or ABC (insert city in diaspora here) girls are skank twats, but i wouldnt becos i know thats a generalization/sterotype...
I think what he was just trying to say was always keep your intergrity/head straight, cos your story is just gist to people or something like that...
pls do not be trying to enter unilag peeps cos someone said something about people in diaspora.

grewupin- naija said...

Somehow the truth is Ladies is Diaspora are independent…by force by force….whether the ones who are doing fraud…or the ones whose men are stingy……

Ladies in Naija are NOT….or rather only just woke up to the “bug” of renting their own place outside their father’s house ….

Hence please tell me who is more prone to promiscoisucity?

Judge for yourself!

New Leaf: Let the guy softly softy it will work for you…in Jesus name

Favoured Girl said...

@ Bella: Keep up the good work.

@Miss New Leaf: Most of it has been said. Indeed, you are now a new creature in Christ. You have been cleansed from your past and God has forgiven you. But you have to tell your fiance about your past. You don't have to go into all the grisly details. But you can be honest if he asks questions. That way, if and when you get married, you can be clear in your conscience that you are not hiding things from him. And trust me, keeping a secret is hard work and it will continue to prick your conscience. Nothing stays secret forever. If you don't tell him, eventually someone else will. I think it is better if he hears it from your point of view - honest, straightforward and matter-of-fact, than if he hears it from a judgemental point of view. Pray about it too, ask God to help you to stay strong, no matter how your fiance reacts. All the best.

djades said...

@grewup-in-naija
people who are going to be promisuous will be irrespective of their geogrphical situation...

There are naija girls struggling in said diaspora who have a choice to work at the 'adult club' or work two jobs to get by,same way there are girls in naija who can either be content with their jobs or the money their folks give them or live it up by 'force by force'(ref. balk jesus)-

Difference between the sets of girls is intergrity.People will always make their choices whether they live alone(far from their parents' eyes) or under their noses(where they can slip and slide)

So you decide 'who is more prone' but shall we keep generalizations to the minimum and keep on moving on?

Jo said...

Miss New Leaf this is a tough one. Basically it is a choice between 2 risks : Tell him about your past and risk him dumping you in horror or DON'T tell him and risk him finding out all your dirty skeletons from someone else. Choose. Not easy sha.

chicagoian said...

I have to agree with everyone who says tell him.

Ms new leaf, since you've turned a new leaf it will be good for you to show that leaf through transparency to your guy. He needs to know you, past and present no two way about that.
There is nothing to be ashamed of anymore my sister, that was then, this is now and you've worked hard to clean that image out.
Don't allow him hear the story somewhere else, don't make him have preconceived notion about you if hears rumors out there.
Look sometimes we use christianity as an excuse not be hurt but believe me if he hears that story outside, he'll definitely not find it funny with you. He loves you right? then what are you afraid of, let him know, get his reaction, understand with him if he reacts negatively (most men will anyway)to the news and give him time to heal from it. It is your past i know but you remember the past is the precursor of who you are now. You can choose to ignore it but you cannot forget you were once someone people frown at. Don't let him frown at you for hearing a story of his beloveth outside, let him hear it from you his beloveth so he can make peace with himself and you.

Someone says you should tell him the story in bits, i don't think so why not give him the raw details so he can deal with it once.
In bits creates a whole different drama of its own.

Before you start please pray for strength cause my sister i have been in that shoe before it is not easy. You will sweat like river of spring water even when the AC is blowing like crazy. PRAY! PRAY!
May God be with you.

Uche said...

Icy, I'm with u 10%...Ms New Leaf, if u have to tell him, pls do so in small doses, if not, let sleeping dogs lie. It was who u WERE, not who u ARE now.
Keep moving forward, never backwards.

Remember, men can NEVER handle the truth, keep some things to urself.

tatafo! said...

@djades point taken. we are saying the same thing. being promiscuous
doesn't necessarily depend on your geographical location.

beautyinbaltimore said...

She should tell him but she should not give him all of the details. She should say something like while she was in Europe she really enjoyed herself and leave it at that.

Jo said...

@beautyinbaltimore: I disagree with you. Miss Newleaf did not just "enjoy herself" while she was in Europe. She did things she is not proud of anymore. And things that she feels her fiance would disapprove of. Don't make it sound like it doesn't matter because it does. She cannot change her past, but she shouldn't run away from it or pretend like it never happened.

I think it is far better to tell him the truth and be honest about it.

Anonymous said...

Icy, ur point is right to a point. I don't agree however that she should tell him "bit by bit" as u suggested. I suggest that she should sit him down and tell him everything at once but not go into so much unnecessary details. If she tells him bit by bit....the guy will carry his heart in his hands everyday daring what next might pop outta her mouth. Besides, he'll keep wondering what else she hasn't said, or wot else she's hiding. I mean think about it, if she slips it in randomly during convos, won't it make the guy restless?...creating tension and distrust?

Simple and short, Ms....i mean Mrs. New Leaf my dear, tell him all at once BUT avoid too much details..its just not necessary. I mean, if ur bobo was to have indulged in some wild escapades in his past, u would want him to fill u in, so that u would know how to handle the situation incase the need arise...but would u really wanna know how he turned Ifeoma over and gave it to her from the back, or how he handuffed Bola and peed on her?.....So pls. do it with wisdom, and do it quik b4 someone else ruins it for u. and remember to TRUST GOD. Since u have dedicated ur life to serve him, he won't let u down....he never will...it's either meant to be or not.

Nma

Suru said...

Ms New Leaf, I thank God that you have finally come unto God. The bible says that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. So since you have given your life to Christ and repented of your sins, you are forgiven from the only one who should forgive you. The thing is you don't know if what you tell your man will change his outlook on you. I suggest you don't look back but look forward. Believe e, everyone has a past. So what you should do is pray about it and ask God for guidance on the words to say to your beau and when to tell him because he will find out sooner or later. Nigeria is a small place and you don't know who is waiting for you to get married and all settled and then spill the beans. It is better he finds out from you than from someone else. If he doesn't stay with you after you tell him then he is not for you and good riddance. You cannot live in a relationship with a man you love and constantly be thinking about when he will find out about you. God's blessings dear and you will have more blessings when the truth comes out.

toro kobo said...

tell him but do not go into any more detail than what you have written here in this post. this post is perfect because it has warned us to how 'bad' your past was but has not whetted anyone's apetite to know what the minute details was. see no one has asked you which drug or particular position was your poison. so call your man and using this as a template tell him your past, cos this letter really is perfect...and if he is God fearing man like you say he is and you are trully repentant he will understand like these anonymous ppl have understood and that will be that.

it is a personal thing and i dont think anyone else should be tehre with you...trust me this one aint no body's biz but yours, pastor has nothing to do with it.

dont tell him bit bit by bit or in a joking manner as per 20 questions. its not a funny thing and it is also not a game. maybe you might like medical tests handy...just in case.

in my experience, it is better to hear it from the horses mouth, that way he can defend you from whoever. i have a heard a lot of shit about my friends, but in the events that they told me first, nothing no matter how bad it was could make me see them in a bad light. then again i am not your boyf.

you should also be prepared for the worst. if he shud ask for details, remind him that he is not God, trust me...if a mother can hate her child for some nasty crimes, brother man can turn against you, esp if he is a lamb like you say. if he persists, give him gist that he is only likely to hear outside...dont spill all unless you ABSOLUTELY have too cos the human ego is fragile as we all know. and most of all pray!

everything thing Good will come and Gods time is best.

as for future kids. tell em but dont go into detail. it is a good personal lesson and if you are worried about tatafos here goes. for my friends whose parents were wild kids bk in the day esp their mothers, its funny to us cos they look harmless now. we are much more concerned with present day hoes anyway.

everything thing Good will come and Gods time is best.

shandy said...

Hi New Leaf!

I think the problem here is that you need to forgive yourself cause once you have, then telling your man wont be a big deal.

You mentioned that you are now a changed woman and i beleive you must have confessed all to God and asked for his forgiveness.... If that's the case, then there's no need to cry or feel laden with guilt. God is the one man that can truly forgive and forget. It says in the bible that there is always joy in heaven when a sinner repents

Nobody is perfect and that includes me but you know what makes me smile the book of John -try reading it, you'll be amazed.

PS
I personaaly think,........for you to actually pour your heart out the way you did has convinced me that you have no wicked bone in you; you only need to forgive yourself.
Think of it as a learning curve and then try to be the best in whatever you do - that will be a form of compensation for the wasted years. (gotta stop now) ...lol:)

Oluwaloseyifunminikantan said...

Everyone has a past. We have all done things we regret doing regardless of which manner or form. If he is for you your past would mean nothing as long as he is certain you have turned a new leaf. The first thing you have to do is pray for God to soften his heart and for him to give you the courage.

Anonymous said...

She is falling off....

TaureanMinx said...

I'm late but I think you have a lot of great advise and I believe you should tell him. It can initially be very brief and then let him in on itslowly like someone said. Its great that you were able to get your life back. give yourself more credit.

bibi said...

hey miss new leaf, dont u watch nigerian movies? There are more than 100 nigerian movies that tells u what would happen if u dont tell him. Someonelse will, and would exaggerate everything about ur life.This would really piss him off, and he would never trust u again. Pls dont listen to icy, this is not a game.Do not tell him in bits, or else,he would think that u are not completely open with him. PLZ do not involve your pastor, this is between u, ur man, and God. look, even pastors are human and give wrong advices sometimes. Fist thing u should do is PRAY. Pray hard my dear, before u tell him, and secondly, dont make it a big ceremony, i mean, dont call him and say 'i want to tell u something very important about my past nbla bla'. Just pray relax, and ask God for direction,and wen the time is right, u would know to tell him, without going into too much details. By the way, u should tell him before u get married. This might be the ultimate test to see if this guy is the saint that u think he is.
And pls try to get over ur past. believe me, even as bad as u think u were, there are pple out there who are worse than u.

Anonymous said...

It's all too easy for us to say 'if he's a christian, he'll forgive and still marry you','the past is the past',etc. But the fact is that even christians are human(surprise suprise). You should tell him about your past without going into intricate details(for obvious reasons).Does this mean he'll automaticaly forgive you and still remain with you? Not necessarily. It'll take time for him to come to terms with your past. You also have to keep in my mind that he might fogive your past,and still break off the relationship. He's under no obligation-not even under God- to continue the relationship. There's a reason God says in the word to be careful how we live our lives so situations like the one you're in now can be avoided.

Just keep in mind that no matter the outcome, all hope is not lost if you hold on to God. If he goes, someone else will come along

Saved

~Mimi~ said...

its all been said but highlights:

* there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ

* God will supply all your needs according to His Riches In Glory In Christ Jesus - your needs include an understanding husband

* If you have prayed and are sure this is the man for you, TELL HIM everything, BECAUSE LOVE COVERS ALL THINGS.

* But before hand, PRAY FOR GRACE FOR YOUR FIANCE/BOYFRIEND THAT HE WILL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND YOUR PAST, YOUR PRAYERS FOR HIM WILL HELP HIM

if He isnt for you, there is no need to tell him anything, if you are not sure but go ahead to tell him and he leaves...

GOD WILL STILL SUPPLY YOUR NEED FOR AN UNDERSTANDING HUSBAND

...behold old things have passed away, and all things have become new...

Anonymous said...

For the anon that wondered if its fiction, we must have the same nose for fishey smelling blogs!

Anything for ratings ba

Bella Naija said...

Anyways, I take every step to ensure that the Aunty Bella requests that I receive are authentic. There is no point in publishing fiction. When I received this email, I was skeptical but I asked a few questions to determine the authenticity and I was very satisfied.
All I am going to say is sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

Once again,it is not compulsory to visit this blog.
anonymous - did someone force you to come here? If you believe it is 'fishy smelling', simply do not visit. Click the 'X', bounce and dont come back.

Pink-satin said...

hey miss new leaf..i think u should tell him the necessary details but pls dont go into the grimy details...God who has started a good work in you,will be faithful to complete it!it is well o

and pple saying this thing is fiction...duh!even if it is sef can pple not still learn 4rm it

Bella Naija said...

Thanks so much for the comment pink-satin but honestly I wouldnt publish anything on my site unless I was very sure that it was real.
I dont subscribe to the whole James Frey (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Frey) theory of passing off fiction as fact being ok as long as people learn from it.
What is the point of wasting people's time.

Anyways, people have a great weekend.

Wuwu said...

To the stupid anonymous person that said they have a nose for smelling fishy blogs: please keep your beaky nose out of Bella's blog.

Anonymous said...

tell him, he will understand as a christian.

Anonymous said...

...Just make sure you are determined not to go back, and drag a "good" man down

dezha ray ray said...

I dont do advice, but I was sooo drawn to this..

Its true, the past is past, but if he knows, there's no worry of some loony telling him in 15 years where he could start wondering what else you havent told him...

dont be under any illusions, it WILL be difficult to say it, but God gives grace to forgive.

p.s
pray before you say anything...all the best.
x

Anonymous said...

TELL HIM THE STORY OF JESUS, THE HARLOT AND THE PHARISES WHO WNATED TO STONE HER. THEN TOP IT UP WITH THE STORY OF JESUS AND MARY MAGDALENE -- THEN BREAK YOUR STORY TO HIM -- AND CLOSE WITH "LET HIM WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE".... THAT SHOULD DO THE TRICK.

OK...seriously...i think you should tell him only what is 'safe and bearable" ... don't give too much details or all the info. And definitely make him confident in knowing you have truly turned a new leaf...after all Jesus died so that sinners would be saved ... not for sinners to remain sinners.

ADAURE

Nefereda said...

@ new leaf.

You really should tell him,it gonna be hard but i think it safer hearing from you than anyone else.

You know the irony is that he might already know.Dont fall into the pit of thinking that bcos he wasnt raised in naija and dnt really have too many naija friends that he might not have heard your gist.

The same thing happened to me i had a pretty exciting lifestyle in uni and this year i met someone new who had lived in the UK for about 10 years and i thot to myself there is no way this guy would have heard my gist

Boy was i wrong he had heard it but you have seen the way he had been told by the guys it was horrible,in some way i had given him bits and pieces of my gist.When he told me what he heard i had to come out with every thing.

I wish i had told him before he heard but hey! at least we are together looking forward to getting married in december.

So girl do what you have to do!

Anonymous said...

hello miss new leaf,
reading your story brought a lot home for me...see i am married to a wondeful man myself and even though i do not know how bad you claim to have been i am sure it couldn't have been that bad,i was not a good girl myself,then again no one is a saint(who determines our "goodness or badness",except what we know is right by God),my husband had a good time too before we met, so in all honesty if you want to have a marriage free from fear or hatred or doubt or anger or regrets...tell him.
He is human he might be upset but if he REALLY loves you he will be there for you, also nothing beats prayers, so pray to God for the right way to tell him and whilst you do this you do not need to go into gory details,just let him have the truth,wouldn't you rather let him know from you than from strangers who would put a dirty spin to it and make you seem like the worst person on earth?

Goodluck and rememeber if God didn't think you were deserving he wouldn't have sent you this man.

also always rememeber that we have one life to live, and we make of it what we choose, you have changed,believe it and live your new life to the fullest...

All the best...

Chameleon said...

i dont think u should tell him till he proposes and when you decide to, skip the indepth detail cuz somehow i feel it could shake even the most righteous brother. goodluck.

p.s
as for ur daughters, best to skip that completely.

o.šeyï said...

You know for a second i was going... damn is this for real?!

The truth is this, i would definitely tell him. If he loves you he'll understand.

I told my ex-boy something i never thought any guy would understand and he was so warm and understanding about it because he truly cared about me. You want a friend in your husband. If you cant open up to him about your past there's no point sharing your future with him.

Hope it works out for you. You have so much more in store. Keep up the good work. :D

MissB said...

I just came out of a serious, long term relationship in which I was completely open and honest with my partner about all things past and present. I believe that honesty is the best policy.

This resulted in a lot of trouble because I had a man that had placed me so unrealistically on a pedestal that even the slightest bit of (harmless) information meant that I was lowered in his view. I eventually came crashing down.

There is one rule for us and several other rules for men.

You owe it to yourself to be honest. He will find out sooner or later and no matter when he does, his reaction will be the same. So you might as well find out sooner, rather than later whether this man is really the one for you. If he TRULY loves you (refer to 1 Cor 13 for the nature of TRUE love) then he will accept you as you are a changed person now. If he cant accept you, then you know he isnt for you and the one for you will come along in God's time.

I have no idea about the things you have done, but if you believe God has forgiven you and you have forgiven yourself, then dont fret about the past. Come out and share your experience with other girls and women so that we dont make the same mistakes.

Tell him...if you think about it, you really have nothing to lose.

chameleon said...

which one is if he really loves you....

the person that can only really love you like that is God which is why u can confess ur sins to him and be cleansed.

Man is man is man. They might be God fearing etc but they are still man, which means prone to jealousy, anger, cheating, lying... We can only try to be Godlike and even then, trying is the operative word.

I beg you, leave out the grimy details and just give the gist and if he asks, tell him you've confessed to your God and thats all that matters.

chameleon (too lazy to sign in)

Anonymous said...

I TOTALLY agree with chameleon! Leave out the grimy details. Trust me you do not want a situation where you guys will have an argument in the future and he then throws your past back in your face!

To be honest it is up to him to ask the pertinent questions... if he hasn't asked you about your past, then keep the past where it belongs in the PAST! For all you know his past might be shady as well but you'll never know until you ask!

If you were that famous for your escapades then trust me that he has probably already started hearing whispers... If he really loves you and you have really turned a new leaf, it won't matter at all. And i guess being high yellow and beautiful won't hurt either.

Hold your head up girl!

It almost sounds like you don't feel worthy of his love.

noneso chick said...

can someone please tell me what they would do if no one else knew about their sordid past and would therefore not tell the husband? in such a case, should one simply lower the numbers and never divulge info about the past?

Naija Babe said...

Honesty is the best policy, but most of all pray as you approach him. It would be incredibly hurtful to him if he found out from another source because you didn't trust him enough to love you.

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Anonymous said...

A word of encouragement for Miss New Leaf- I think my experience should shed some light on your dilemna and answer some of your questions.


I am a Christian man, successful, and celibate. In fact, I have never had sex with a girl. For as long as I can remember, I've been this way, and God has always seen to it that I remain this, until the day Iam married. My sister, let me tell you, for every man who is this way and has managed to stay this way, it is a testament to the grace of God. Even your boyfriend will attest to this. Chastity and celibacy come only from grace and it is this same grace that stands as the cornerstone of my advice to you.

You see, Miss New leaf, about six months ago, I met an amazing woman. And from our very first meeting, in fact from the very first minutes of our first conversation, after I had already made it clear to myself that I was attracted to her, I told her about my faith and asked her about hers. You see, Miss New leaf, I'm not the type of guy to beat around the bush. Faith is the most important thing in my life. And so for me to be allowed to even xpress interest in any woman, I must first and foremost know of her faith, and the values that keep her grounded.
I found out that she was a christian, born-again and loved God, in fact her parents are pastors. That evening I met her, I took her number and promised to call. Two days later, I did and we began to talk. As we got to know each other, I found out some things about her, her past and circumstances that would have ordindarily driven a guy like myself away. You see, because of my faith and most importantly because of God'd sustenance and protection of my purity, I have always stayed away from women in a physical sense, in fact up unitl then I had never had a girlfriend. Now some people reading this will not hesitate to speculate. They might say, oh maybe its my looks or something else that has prevented me from doing so, but let me tell you looks have had nothing to do with it. I am a Nigerian guy living in the US, and for the past five years, I've worked quite successfully as a model, showing with everyone from Tommy Hilfiger to Reebok. Not only am I a model, but I also work full time as a biologist for one of the biggest pharmaceutical companies in the world, and I am under 25. So it has neither been looks nor success that has kept me away from women, but simply the grace of God. You see, God loves His children, and when you enter His kingdom, He makes it a priority to protect the things He holds dear and sees in you, sometimes it means even protecting us from ourselves.

You see Miss New Leaf, as I said before, when I met this girl, who is now my girlfriend, there were certain things about her past that should have immediately driven me away. First, she had been in a relationship with a guy for six years prior to our meeting, but had been broken up for two years since- Red flag No.1! Second after breaking up with this guy and for the two years before meeting me, she had not led the most innocent lifestyle- red flag No.2! I will not go into too much detail about his, but I am sure you see my point. And last but not least, she was three years older than I was- red flag No.3!
Now all these things should have made me shut any prospects with this girl down, but something drew me to her, and most importantly at the time of my meeting her she was a Christian, and like you, had turned a New leaf.

Now, Miss New Leaf, we, men like myself with the background that I have, grow up with a certain idea of the kind of woman we want. Every celibate man would prefer to date or marry a celibate woman, one with similar experiences and background, and preferably one of the same relative age group as ourselves. This is the truth. And so when we start praying for a wife, or to meet our divinely appointed partner, we keep this picture in mind. But the Bible says that God uses the foolish things to confound the wise. And that His ways are not our ways. Who would have thought it possible that Jesus Christ the Son of God, the rock upon which we base our faith, could come from the direct lineage of a protistute? But this is who God is. He is an absolute wonder. And so when He led me to this beautiful girl and told me that he had indeed ordained my relationship with her, I didn't understand it, or why I was doing it, neither did she. In fact, during our first date she asked me how I could even be interested in someone like her. someone with her past, someone in her circumstance. And I couldn't answer. All I knew was that I was drawn to her.
That was six months and 26 days ago. And its been the best 6 months and 26 days of my life since. I love this woman. I love her dearly. In spite of her past, in spite of her faults, her shortcomings, and her struggles. She is my jewel and part of the reason why I believe I am here, is to take care of her. This does not mean that I am sure she will become my wife, but where I stand now, where God has me now, is at her side.

Let me be clear, Miss New Leaf, coming to this place has not been easy. I have struggled numerous times with myself and with God, asking Him why He wants me to do this. And he answered me. In fact, during one of my struggling, contentious bouts with him, His Holy Spirit told me... I remember it clearly. I was praying when He stopped me in my tracks and told to me, "If Jesus can extend His Grace to you. If He can forgive you for every sin you have committed and will commit, if He can love you in spite of yourself and your shortcomings, if He can give you his hand, even after you have slapped Him across the face with your sin, why can you not extend the same Grace He has given to this girl." That night the Holy Spirit told me this, I stopped asking Him that question. And I stopped doubting.

You see, Miss New leaf, we all have a past. I have mine, you have yours, my girlfriend has hers. And although, and we do not all share the same experiences, the Bible says, that we have all sinned and fallen short of the grace of God- all of us. There isn't one left out, not me, not you, not my girlfriend, not your boyfriend. This is the thought that should humble us. No one is a saint, no one is righteous. Christ is our righteousness. He is our lamb, our sacrifice. It is He alone that can lay claim to perfected purity, not I, not even your boyfriend can. And if He cannot ultimately realize this, and love you for the woman of God you've become and are becoming, then He has not place with you. So tell him. Tell him that you have a past that you are not proud of, but do not go into details. My girlfriend has refused to do so, and she is wise to. As much as I want to know, I also realize that it will serve me and our relationship no good. Why should I have images of her encounters with other men in my mind. It will only hurt me. And as much as I might like to know, I don't need to. It is the woman I see now that I love, the woman that challenges me, even with my faith, the woman that wants to and does stand by me now, that I treasure. Her past is a closed chapter, and so is yours. This is what is so amazing about Christianity and the blood of Jesus: it has the power to set us free from everything that even attempts to hold us down,even our past selves. Behold all things have become new. So take heart my dear. Tell this man, that there is a past, and tell him about it, nothing more, and if he is the man of God you claim he is, he will understand where I am coming from. And if God has ordained that this is the man for you, He will speak to him. And if he is indeed the man for you, He will listen. And love you still.

Stay well, my dear and God bless you.

Anonymous said...

Please Ms New Leaf... do not listen to any of this emotional blackmail.

I do not understand why it would be incredibly hurtful... He is marrying you not your PAST!

I'd just testify to him that God has brought you to a new place and that you have come leaps and bounds from where you were before.

Do not mention anything about a sugar daddy, or about you lying about an inheritance or that you did drugs!

Believe it or not... most people have done these things you have listed here... don't blow it out of proportion.

The most important point is to ship yourself off to a clinic and conduct all the necessary tests to ensure that you will not be putting his health and yours at risk!

Dineo said...

Please tell the guy the truth, you might find out he is not a saint you think he is besides, you might be opening doors for him to tell you about his past too which might not be as clean as you think. No one is a saint dear....
Tell him and you will feel relieved, if he cant forgive you, then let him go...he aint worth it.

Anonymous said...

As in is it porarro (potato)? Are u guys forgetting that there is a naija factor in this, double standards et al.

Happened 2 some guy he found out from some1 else about his babe, he said he would have preferred if she told him herself b4. Although he "forgave" her, he said he'd have left her either way cause he couldn't get image out of his head (he let his imagination run wild!!!as the babe refused to expantiate).

Although this is an odikwa very RISKY situation, Lets be rational ladies!

Aunty New Leaf,

1. Pray and fast about it

2.Ask him what he thinks/ loves about you?

3.Test the waters, meaning tell him some1 u know is in a dilemna doesn't know how 2 tell her man...what r his views?

4.Were u safe during ur escapades Get tests done, (as in lets make sure ur not a health hazard!)

5. Let him know it's not gonna be pretty, basically some of the stuff ur going to tell him he might never find out, or he might even dump u over it... however u trust him, thats why ur telling him.

6.Does he want PG version, or can he handle d truth?

...FESS UP MATE! At least he can now make an informed decision

Obviously its not goin 2 be roses, candy flossy, dancing into d sunset kinda stuffz, brace yourself things might not go according to plan.

Basically my dear your damned if u do/don't, its a risk you are taking the result will manifest itself in him bailing or making u guys stronger. What will be will be, If he is your soulmate he'll hang around.


Let me play devils advocate for a bit.. is it that easy to forgive? if your boyfriend tells u he was in cult, has stolen, killed, raped amongst other things but is a christian now ....

Pastoe E said...

hey sis!
mw i hope u dovtored some of the facts u gave abt u like
@ least if ur mum were the naija woman & ur dad the foreigner...that will help coz really this global village is a small one
mw, to the question
talk to ur Pasto & his wife
remember they know u better than we all do & they are your spiritual shepherds
i'm a minister & i'll tell you this
it works differently for different folks...and God deals with us differently
so let the Lord lead you
through the counsel of your Pastors
God's blessings
Pastor E.

the storyteller said...

Hello,

I'm seeeing this post really late and this is my 1st time here but I really believe you should come clean with this man in your life.

It's about love and committment, just choose your moment and pray for the right time.

I had to do something similar too and I'm glad there are no secrets between myself and my partner.

Love,

The storyteller.

P.s: U can check me on thegisthouse.blogspot.com