Thursday, August 14, 2008

AUNTY BELLA - MISS TIME

Hey Everyone,
How's it going? How is your week so far....Mine has been 'eventful'....its just been one of those weeks when I'm just like 'Jesus Take The Wheel' cause I really cant hack this stress and decisions on my own.
Anyways, its all good. Most of it is sorted now! I am still enjoying my lil break. Feels so good not to be working 24/7!
So its been a long time since we have had Aunty Bella on the blog. Please send any Aunty Bella issues to bellanaija @ gmail.com. For those who dont know, this is our agony aunt column. So if you have any issues, share them anonymously with Bella Naija readers. You will be amazed by the fab advice u will receive. Also if you are interested in submitting a story to BN Prose. Please send to bellanaija @ gmail.com as well. This is for short stories which are completely fictional or heavily embellished.
For previous Aunty Bella features, click below - HERE

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Dear Aunty Bella,

I started dating my boyfriend about 6 months ago.
He is in his early thirties and doing well career wise and financially. I am 31, have a masters degree and a stable job, emotionally mature with a strong sense of self. I'm sure you know where this is heading.
Our relationship has been going very well. We click, get along well, I have met his friends and his younger sisters and all is well.
Now to the issue, I know it is early days (we have only dated for 6 months after all) but my boyfriend has made it clear that he does not see himself getting married for at least the next 5 years. I have asked why and he has just said that he is not ready and that is the minimum time he needs. You know those early relationships questions like how many children do you want to have, when do you see yourself getting married etc...
During that time, he said that he wanted to make his view clear to me so it wouldn't seem like he is misleading me.
He has now turned it into a mantra.
I find that even when we are having general conversations, he repeats it. I will give you an example, we attended a birthday party for one of his friend's young children and as I was cooing over the cute child, he mentioned again that he doesn't see himself becoming a father for a long time.
I am confused as per what to do. I am not desperate to get married ASAP but will like to be in a relationship that is clearly heading in that direction. Women's Lib aside, there is a family history of infertility so the sooner I get married and start trying, the better for me but I am not desperate. I was previously in a very long term relationship (6 years) that did not work out. Long story but I was bold enough to break it off but I am now very weary.
I am wondering that all this about him not wanting to get married in the next couple of years translates into him not wanting to get married to ME!

Everything else in my current relationship is fine except this.
Help!

Miss Time

74 comments:

yets said...

ive really missed d aunty bella stories..been ages..off to read..glad to know the aunyy bella series is back :)

Anonymous said...

I say get out of there fast!!! He is afterall in his thirties. What is he waiting for?

Unbiased said...

Missed you aunty Bella!!!
Miss Time if you have a problem, you pray and talk about it and there is no resolution, i think you need to move on.
There is more to this statement of his than meets the eye. Investigate it more, get your own feelings out in the open and try to get it resolved.

Unbiased said...

wow!!!! I was third and fourth!!!!
lol

chineze osayi said...

unfortunately, from what u've explained, sweetie. he will get married and i dnt think it will be 2 u, from the way he's sounding.

am speaking from experience.

my unsolicited r solicited advice however way it will be seen, is to have it @ d back of ur mind that d relationship may nt 80% end up in marriage. and u can just date & have fun, you know, have good times with him.

so that when ur mr right arrives. u will leave with the good memories from this previous guy, imprinted in ur heart than a whole lot of drama & baggages.

u know what i mean.

in the meanwhile, be blessed.

yets said...

woww..well like unbiased said,if u truly luv him then take it up to God,because there might be more to this case that meets the eye..like you said ur not really desperate to get married,there's nothing wrong with remaining single and waiting for the right one,but the fertility issues..i would say u take everything to God..he sure does answers

Anonymous said...

HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY UUUUUUUUUUUUU.....
HE IS BOLD ENOUGH TO TELL U NOW...
SO RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Twaine said...

They say "when a person tells you who they are, don't question them." He's clearly trying to let you know not to expect too much from him until further notice. That seems a little unfair. He's emotionally stunting your relationships growth. It doesn't make you desperate to want a greater commitment from your partner. It's not like you're pushing the "marriage issue", or putting undue pressure to decide right now. It's completely natural to "envision a forseable future" with your partner, whether or not it happens. Bottom line is you don't want to have to convince anyone to be with you. A man that wants you instinctively does all he can to convince you that he's good husband material. Men fight for what they want. So do you stay??? or do you go??? I think he's been honest enough with you. Now it's time to be honest with yourself. Can you be with someone who has no intentions of making you his wife for a while? Do you have 5 years to gamble with?? If your answer is NO, then you've already solved your own dilenma. "Sometimes the hardest thing to do, becomes the best decision you make"

shola pacheco said...

honey take a walk,he sounds it clear each time,such men will ring u up nd tell u they are gettin married nd u cant be upset cos he made no commitment 2 u.gf better now than tie urself in a web of pain nd findin it 2 move on

shola pacheco said...

lastly.remember miss time when someone really loves u,they want 2 go out of their way 2 show u how much u mean nd how much they care,every man knows,every woman wants commitment...in terms of being wanted nd been good enough 4 a future

Everyone Loves a Naija Girl said...

My thing is, do you see yourself marrying him? Is he the kind of guy that you can see yourself being with long term? If he is, and you are willing to wait, then by all means do. But at the same time, if you don't really see yourself with him in the future, then dump him. You have only been dating for six months. Those six months can also mean that if you date longer he could change his mind. However, only you know your body, if you have reasons why you think you should try someone else (history of infertility), then go for someone else. You have no obligation to this guy. Do what is best for yourself. I know you say that you are not in a rush, but would you rather stay in this relationship for another year or two, only to find that things will not change, forcing you to start again? Move on.

Ucheaa said...

I think that you both need to talk and get things out in the open. Find out out straight from him if there is any hope of him settling down with you in the future. If there isn't, you should probably move on. Goodluck.

Anonymous said...

theres never a right time for marriage i believe that, the right time is when you meet that person that makes you forget every stupid rule you eve ver set, in his case 5 year rule and makes you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. in this case he has met you and nothing...soo its not abt you, but he dosent feel your the one... if he did, he wldnt remind of such rubbish and wld be tooo afraid to let you go. Now theres two sides, you can wait wait and pray he changes his mind.. or you can leave him stay good friends and open your self to meeting a more committed person. That decision is yours. Just make it and be happy with whatever you decide. Lots of Love LSN..

Anonymous said...

we shd get boorish's opinion on this!

Anonymous said...

The man has made it clear that he will get married but probably not to you.He has been as clear as is 'politely' possible.If u stay, then it seems like u are trying to chnge his mind and if things don't go your way,he will be like i told u from the get.You are a woman of a mature age and you clearly know what you want and if the man is not on the same page,then you need to leave.However, take the matter to God in prayer and he will SURELY direct u in the right path..he has NEVER failed me.

BellasNum1fan said...

Miss Time, if a man wants to marry u, u know from the get go. Same if he doesnt, dont let ur emotions trick u into thinking u can make him do the opposite. I think u know what to do. Its normal to be scared of the unknown n what else is out there. But hv faith in ur creator that u are a good person n u deserve a man who loves u, whom u both hv the same vision for the future. The man that the almigthy created just for you. My dear he is not Mr. Right! He is just Mr. Right Now!

Anonymous said...

It's very obvious two of u want two different things out of this relationship. The good thing about it is that he has made it VERY clear as to where he stands. It's up to u to decide if this is what u want or not. It sounds like u're looking for a relationship that'll head to the direction of marriage and kids and if that isn't what he wants, then u're wasting ur time with him. Thinking a person will change or u can change his mind is the wrongest move women make. Cut ur losses now that the relationship hasn't gone as far as 6/7 yrs and find the person that's looking for the same thing as u.

Bolanle said...

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...STEP AWAY FROM THE MADNESS! The man has made it clear that he does not want to marry you, so it`s better to let it go now instead of trying to unduely influence him. You should DUMP him like a hot potato, that way you can move on and meet ur very own soulmate.

Godisalive said...

everyone has said all i had to say. For a relationship to work, you both have to be on the same page and you clearly are not from your story. So pls, forget him and move on and also let him know why ur pulling out so that if he thinks hes been misunderstood, he can clear the air.

Anonymous said...

I would advise you to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. This guy has already made it plain to you he does not see you as marriage and mother of child/ren material, so you would be doing both yourself and him a huge favour by dumping him as fast as you can! At least he was honest enough, unlike some men out there. Don't worry, go out there and enjoy yourself, Mr Right will come soon

Frank Counsellor, London

Yummy Mummy To Be!! said...

It is loud and clear he said he is not ready until 5 year!!!..

Which part did you not hear or understand and as you said it is now his MANTRA, and also letting you know and others ( by the sounds) HE AINT READY!!

So the question is baby girl! ARE YOU!!! READY TO WAIT 5YRS If you are no wahala! If not You need to bounce!

As you said infertility is an issue in your family you are already past 30 when do you really want to have these children???

Take it from some one who has had fertility issues as in fibroids i thought i would never have a child and i have been married for 2yrs and God has finally blessed me with a child soon to come into this world and just before i am 30!!.

So only you can answer the question and no one else.

To wait 5YEARS or NOT to wait 5YYEARS!!..

Good luck Hunny..

Yummy Mummy To Be!! said...

Also i do not think he does not see you as wife and mother of his children material..

It is just as simple as he said he is just not ready until 5YEARS!!

You know men are stubborn why would you put yourself in a situation when you will eventually end up being hurt and wondering if you have a problem.. it's nothing like that he just aint ready!

Have you ever seen a man who has done something he does not want to the out come is usually not pretty you can not force a man to do what he does not want to do when he is NOT Ready to do it!

Save yourself disappointment and heart ache and that self loathing feeling you DO NOT NEED NEVER TO ASK YOURSELF WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!..

SO leave now or give it another six months and see if anything changes since you are not in a rush..

But my dear like i said earlier when do you want to have these children ehn when??

You are financially and educationally stable so the next thing NATURALLY would be the want of a family do not let this man waste your time my dear!!

Like you said and i can feel you are not desperate!

It's only been six months you can move on and find another hunny na true i dey tell YOU!!

Also God Never leave God out of the equation because with him all things are possible!

But we have to be realistic too!!

Good luck again Hunny!..xx

Waffarian said...

Hehehehe...I no know why the man dey make me dey laugh.....

...shebi you don see man wey dey waka marathon under hot sun to declare im love? shebi you don see man wey dey write letters(okay, these days na texts)everyday to tell im babe say na im be mama of im pikins? shebi you don see man wey dey tell im woman say na im be im queen...ehen...imagine, even with all these their yarns, dem fit no marry you oh!

hehehehehe, talkless of man wey no even wan try for one kobo...

Make im carry im mantra put for another woman head! hissss!

Good luck my sista.

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy. From my perspective. If the guy said 5 years, it may just be he needs to build up a stronger base(career, e.t.c. irrespective of how fine he is now)

But when it turns into a matra! It's damn true he want's to build a stronger base and hey! he thinks you are not right for him, in his projections.

Help: Make the relationship an open one just as he has. It's time to work with the head not the heart alone. I bet that's why ya here; and read some other comments here at least twice.

All the best
MK

geishasong said...

miss time abeg, nothing do you. you don't have time for this and you know it.
move to the rhythm of your quickstep and let him sway alone to his 5year-long concerto.

Anonymous said...

Sistuh gurl - i mo tell you like this, move the hell on after one year, cos i promise you if you go more than a year with him you wasting your precious time. He is being a man, like any other man. SELFISH, You not the one he wants to marry so get that clear in ya head. And if yall are boning, be rest assured, thats what he is using you for - "SEX".

Listen to his words, he mean it. Dont be like one of those women thinking "Oh I will change him".

You may be on a diet now, but sistuh girl - please dont pass by the menu when it comes your way. You are dating - not blind so if you find anybody interested and more serious in you, give them a chance. And the funny thing is thats when this one would wanna drop his 5 yr mark to 1 yr, once he realise what he is loosing.

A Word to the wise is enough.

Sincerely
Ms Wised Up

Purefiyah said...

If you are really strong and know what you want take this scripture and run with it. "How can two walk together unless they agree"
Simple-If you wait 5 years and he drops dead then what?
Dont drink koolaid with the crap that he feeds you! *HISS*

funmie said...

sorry but ur man is just a selfish human.
u should stay with him only if you want to be in a stagnant relationship. soon u will start to attend friends weddings together and u will ust be there like...blahhh.
homegirl pls carry ur load and runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, infact no let ur fit touch ground. he really does not see u as a wife material....

and i can assure you one thing, as soon as u break up with him, dont be surprised that he just proposed to some chic and that he ill be getting married next yr... trust me

Anonymous said...

my dear, run as far as you can from him, i am talking from experience. I dated this guy for three years and he kept on telling me he doesnt want children at least for the next few years. I still hung with him till the day yawa burst. I ended up getting rid of his baby cos he was not ready.i could not beleive he could let me go thru all that pain but thinking back , he always told me so.
find yourself a committed young man that would even want to marry you at the drop of the hat and would love you to be the mother of his kids. Men have a way of making us look desperate. wow , that was long!!

BacktoNaija said...

Honey, you should follow your intuition when you say "I am wondering that all this about him not wanting to get married in the next couple of years translates into him not wanting to get married to ME!" Your heart knows something your head is denying. If your boyfriend wants to marry you,he'd be falling over himself to walk you down the aisle. Most men wouldn't be as honest as he has been so far...word@waffarian. It's better to walk away and wait for the man who can't wait to get on one knee and beg for your hand! I know it's easier said than done, but your life is worth waaay too much. All the best darl!

Anonymous said...

i am just going to give you an example... i knew this couple, they had been dating for years..i mean since secondary school, and they even both convinced their parents to send them to canada so that they could be together...they kept dating even when they moved to canada....so all in all they had been dating for years...but the guy kept telling the girl that he was not ready to marry anytime soon, and she kept waiting...until she couldnt take it anymore and then she broke up with him...do u know that after about 6 months the guy married and his wife is already pregnant.... i think the guy does not have the courage to tell you that he does not want to marry you, so he is saying all that crap so that u will eventually get tired of waiting and then go...i am sure you are a very beautiful and mature person, and i see a lot of good advice here...i trust that you will make a wise decision..and dont forget to pray..i sincerely wish you the best...

mizchif said...

Without much ado...RUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!
As in barefeet with your legs touching the back of your head.

He is just using style to tell you what the deal is, and you say it has become a mantra, so he'll always say he told you so.

Pls run!

Aronke said...

DAMN!! I hate that i'm coming in here in the 30s but i'll still leave my 2 cents worth.

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. Met this guy who lived abroad and we got chatting and I grew to really like him. I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him, but i liked him enough to at least give it a try. But he kept up this same mantra about not wanting to get married for another x years. Anyway, he moved back, I fell into bed with him, HATED it and swore to my friends that under no circumstances would I even consider marrying him (sisteh gotta have it and have it GOOD on a reg!)....

Anyway... He kept up this mantra, the awful sex left a sour taste in my mouth and we sorta drifted apart. Less than a year later, he told me he'd proposed to some girl and she'd agreed. They're married now. I was in shock, my friends were catatonic. Not because i wanted to marry him but because i believed he didn't want to get married so early. Bottom line, he just wasn't that into me.

So babes, he ain't that into you. I always say, once a girl has to ask the 'what are we doing' question, (in your 30's???) then homeboy ain't wanting you,, so the earlier you get outta there, the better!

Godisalive said...

Also another advice actually.

I wonder if you guys have sex now. If you do, refrain from it and dont offer anymore or accept either. If a guy really wants u, im sure he'll settle a bit quicker. If he moves on, well he just used u for sex as harsh as it sounds.

jennietobbie said...

Hunny,
Please gather race. You have to leave. This dude doesn't want you. He has made it clear to you. Dn't worry about your age or anything,thank you for not being desperate. Have a last talk with him and hit the door if he still insist on the 5years deal. Crap!!!!

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

Run!!! pick race!!
that was just a sugar coated way of saying "I dont what to marry you"...
whats with everyone saying he is using her for sex..
like sex is a one sided thing, or like miss time does not want sex too
thats if they are shagging in the first place

Anonymous said...

Abeg LEAVE the guy jare....when a man wants something, he goes for it. He doesnt want someone else moving in on what he wants....
I say move on...and if then he realises he is missing out on something good, he'll come running back, then its up to you to decide if you want him back or not. TAKE POWER of the situation, dont step into the role of the weaker sex!!

Kpakpando said...

Bella I did not even get past the first paragraph or read previous comments in fact I am posting from my phone, but wtf is wrong with this chick? This man is just fecking this girl for free jare, he's kukuma said she's not good enough to marry from jump, and she still entered as a fully informed customer, so she better not come back saying that he played her o. If a man wants you, he won't be yarning this type of dust because most men I know don't even need a full 6 months to know that he wants u to be his future wife. I know I posted about this very same subject sometime last year, when will some people learn to stop putting head where they're not wanted? This girl doesn't need advice, she needs a kick in the AZZ! Kpakpando

Uche said...

Soldier come Soldier go. Move on.

Anonymous said...

It goes without much interpretation into your case that the guy is asserting power on you. So much so that you are being marginalised. He doesn't want children? Yes, but you do. He doesn't want marriage? Yes, but that's on your future agenda, if not immediately. The desires you have are not expensive to envision in a natural relationship. Your desires are as much plausible as they are basic to any fundamental love relationship.

I am not good at setting out a advisory plan for any one, but I do wish you sanity and hope.

Decision is yours, but the way you present the case, it seems as if the man is not your man ideally.

Anonymous said...

heheh at least dude aint frontin'...
I just hope, really hope that those 2 are not all up in thru doing the nasty cos then he's wow smack in the head revelation, just sleeping with her till he jams the elejetutu PYT that makes his blood really boil, u know the one that will make him call his mama after one month to tell her he is ready o....

My point, (before I forget it ;p) is homegirl should remove her jimmy choos or stilletos eh and runnnnnn as fast as her legs will carry her and please please please don't give it up so easy next time (if you are oo, if not, keep up the good work, more grease)

I had this happen to a friend of mine, homeboy was ready and ready, had a house of his own, his own side hustle plus a great job to boot, was over 30 and my girl was in her late twenties, still dude aint sayin nothin, babygirl aint seeing no lil blue box...in short you know the end of the story or I have to spell it all out now...?

dScR?Be said...

i wonder wat Uncle Wolz will say on this topic...

Anonymous said...

i agree 100% with shola pacheco..men fight for what the want!!!while he is honest in telling you this i dont understand why he keeps ringing it in ur head ..i think this guy is gonna get married but not to you..he may have fiance or gf in another side of d world!!!pls leave him!!!

Anonymous said...

i agree 100% with shola pacheco..men fight for what the want!!!while he is honest in telling you this i dont understand why he keeps ringing it in ur head ..i think this guy is gonna get married but not to you..he may have fiance or gf in another side of d world!!!pls leave him!!!

Anonymous said...

You are 30...you really have no time for trial and error...im sorry but he doest want to get married to you... dude is in his thirties and not ready?? after being more than alright financially?? him needing more years to make a solid foundation is a silly excuse..what he has is good enough..if he loves you he wouldnt mind growing with you financially while u r his wife..plus u cant waste another 4 yrs of ur life trying to see if it works out...

pls use ur head not ur heart...YOU CANT CHANGE A MAN!!...so the fact he keeps saying it over and over is scary cos he definitely means it...if he truly loved u..all those xcuses would float away...

DUMP HIM AND MOVE ON...STAYING WITH HIM MIGHT RUIN UR CHANCES OF MEETING THE RIGHT PERSON...THE GUY IS A WASTE OF SPACE!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Simple case:
This guy is NOT, I repeat NOT ur Mr. Right. He is your Mr. Right Now!
Big difference! Drop him right now to get ur TRUE Mr Right cos he's just blocking ur true husband from coming.
I have four brothers and one thing I've learnt from ALL of them is that a guy pretty much knows the girl he TRULY wants to settle down with within a VERY short time into d relationship and they want it done kia kia. Na only when dem think say u no b d real deal dat they drag feet in hopes of meeting d ONE!

Anonymous said...

the guy can't be any more open with you..he already said he no do, trust me, he aint gonna wake up tomorrow and change his mind. he still aint gonna do...well not with you.

the longer you stay with him, the more he will continue to think you are cool with him never getting married to u

TMinx said...

I'm so proud of the quality of answers! They have all given you good advice, now let it sink in, and decide what is best for you! Goodluck!

Anonymous said...

I know I'm weighing in a little late on this, but I have to say I wonder if there is more to this story...I know that after 30, marriage fever begins to kick in for some women and in that vein let me play the other side for a moment...could he feel the need to make this statement into a mantra because he is constantly being asked about his future plans? What is your response when he says his mantra...after all you said you don't even know if you want to marry him yet, so is it possible that he doesn't know either? I have seen guys who profess undying love in a short period of time, buy ring sef turn out to be class A jerks/psychos and I have seen so called commitment phobes marry the same babe they use to give mantra to...Na true! I can't tell you to run or stay, but first things first, how do you feel? Do you want him because all of a sudden he seems unavailable? Maybe you sef should become unavailable too, after all I bet you have a thing or two going for you and sweetheart infertility aside (because these days it is more common than you think and you can't let fear be a decision guide) you can afford to take the time to be sure it is right. Six months is not a lot of time, even in "spinster" years ( I kid, I kid!) Stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and possibly him. Live your life, fall in love and then if it's right get hitched. My dear, to marry no hard, but to marry well, na dat wey dey cause palava!

Nigerican said...

When a Man tells u something believe it. For instance, if he says he is not good for u... thank him and keep it moving. In your case, he has made it clear ...NO MARRIAGE FOR ANOTHER 5 YRS... either wait for the 5yrs or thank him for his honesty and keep it moving.Its up to u sweetheart, goodluck.

Anonymous said...

@describe lol, nobody cares what "uncle wolz" has to say. Many women here have given sound advice. If you do not have anything to say, move on, no need to call on any man for help.

Anonymous said...

For me this is quite easy, he is made it clear he wants to wait 5years, for someone in his/her 30's its a long time to wait i must say.

There must be something behind his descision which you havent got time for so i suggest u have a open relationship.during this period keep looking someone else will probably come along then he will be out of the picture.

You should try as much as possible not to get emotionally attached to mr 5years wait bcos it will be very hard to break (this also includes sex) he is mor than likely to stay away from you bcos there is no sex which is good as you will get time to rejigg and concentrate on yourself (at 31 what else should u be looking for in a relationship?)

My principle is if there is a guy thats chasing me, and i am attracted to him i will take him to God in prayer instead of getting carried away, emotional attachment and all sort i check him out if we are going anywhere fair enough,if not he is out the window (too young to have my heart broken i am only 22)

so my dear think about it, pray, rejigg and you'll find that he is a time waster or perhaps the one and the 5year thing might change

Hope this helps and good luck

love Eva
xxx

atinuke said...

Darling, Pray about it, think about it objectively. If it was one of your friends, what would you tell them to do?
I say RUN as fast as your legs can carry you.
He is dropping a not so subtle hint here that he will get married (but not to you) and you should not wait around to get hurt. Also do not try to make yourself believe that you can change him.

Yes, it might be painful to see him go and probably get married to someone six months after that. But do you want to wait around and waste your time instead of finding the one who will be ready to settle down?

Impossible is nothing, dear. Do not let the fear of infertility make you settle for less than you are worth.
Everything is in God's time...

Paris said...

sorry o! but this guy is obviously saying he doesnt want 2 get married to YOU.

y the constant unnecessary repition of "i do not want 2 get married now"? well atleast he's being honest. so its either u start preppin urself 4 a heart break or u leave now while its still early my dear.

Anonymous said...

anonymous 11:06..HATER!!HATER!!!why d beef..she just wanted to hear a mans perspective..didnt somebody else ask for boorish male perspective!!why are u so full of HATE!!!HATERATION AINT GOOD!

Anonymous said...

Why is it paining this one? The woman said she does not care for uncle wolz's opinion. I don't see anything bad there. Abeg women, free yourselves and stop bringing other women down. I do not care much for that man's theories either, and so? kill me. Girl whisperer my foot. Lmao. Oya, come and kill me.

Anonymous said...

Since you Know exactly what you want and he has made it clear that he's not heading in that direction, i suggest you leave quick and find someone that wants thesame out of the relationship. There is also nothing too big for God so take it up to him, he'll see you through.

Anonymous said...

I won't say his selfish... but cliche as it may sound "he's just not that into you"... It sounds like this could turn into one of those stories where he dates you for a couple of years, breaks up and then gets married to another woman in two months...

My advice is to move on because you deserve better...at while you're single you know what to expect, and you're not wasting ur time and talent investing in a hopeless cause.

and who knows, sometimes a guy doesn't know what he has until he is threatened to lose it, so may a lil shake up will puts things in perspective for him. if it doesn't then you're definitely better off without him :)

relentless said...

THE NERVE !! Abeg -abeg, put your boots on and start walking. Dearest, you are more than that! You know what you want, don't settle for less. He doesn't deserve you. I don't know what his game is but sweetie you've already wasted 6 yrs in a relationship pls DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN. Remember TIME IS SOMETHING YOU CAN'T GET BACK !!

Anonymous said...

Mitigate your damages and move on to someone who is in step with what you are looking for...marriage. The passage of time is not kind to women when it comes to competition on the marriage market. That is the simple truth. So, stop wasting time with Mr. Timewaster and move the hell on! I have seen women in your situation, who hung around for the 3, 4, or 5 years that it would take for him to be ready for marriage only to be passed over for someone younger, fresher, finer, whatever. Just moooovvveee on. It has only been 6 months and hopefully you have not invested too much. This advise that I am giving you is actually not from a woman, but from a man. When a man wants to marry you, he will marry you with alacrity. Men are no fools. They just play stupid to avoid confrontation and will drop hints to let you know that you are not the one they want. Just accept it and move on. Unless of course you want him to tell you the truth to your face.

Anonymous said...

anonymous 10:48 you are just an ignorant fool and a total waste of space!!!so i wont waste my time on you or coming back to see ur response!!ode oponu!!

MarianO said...

Girl, pls leave. Waiting 5 years for him would be even more painful when he turns around and marries someone else, cos believe me, when guys see what they want, they go for it and don't 'wait 5 yrs'.
I would would have said stay with him and make it an open relationship as he's clearly doing, but from one sister to another, we know how the heart gets involved and u ain't really gonna be making urself available for anyone else. Whatever hurt u feel by ending this NOW will be magnified 5 yrs down the line o! So i repeat, PLS LEAVE HIM ALONE! HE IS NOT INTO U! Someone who is will come along!

Anonymous said...

@2:50 lmao why is it paining you so much? all these insults? why u dey chop panadol for another man headache? lol. Girl whisperer sucks, girl whisperer sucks, girl whisperer sucks. If the thing pain u reach, go and jump.LOL.

Anonymous said...

I say move on. He is one of those guys that just stand in the doorway, they dont want to come in and they dont want to get out. In other words, they want to eat their cake and have it. Enjoy the benefits of a relationship with no commitment. You must not let him. Pls. my dear kick him out so Mr Right can step on in. Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

Of course this is your life and the choice is yours... but having been there I wish someone would have given me this advice:
Act like everything is normal next time u see him, even give him a good 'session' since that is obviously what he wants, then totally x him off (easier said than done, I know...). Dont call, nada!!! If u see him, wassup- wassup...Whether he responds or not, that is not the issue but x him and forget him. Loser, can u imagine saying that to someone's daughter and then making it a mantra, squeezing the future out of your relationship!! Hmmm, would u invest knowing that there is no return? 'if no' so why invest with ur time which is priceless. Tchew, men really are cheeky sometimes.. but only if u let them....good luck. xx

Anonymous said...

PLEASE, PEOPLE STOP ABUSING THE MAN. HE TOLD HER HIS TRUTH THE WAY HE KNOWS HOW! He is not that into her, finish.It would be really cruel of him to tell her, "I can date you but I can not marry you".At least he let her know from jump, so she would not get her hopes up. There is nothing wrong with her. As a girl you meet guys that seem to be the complete package but deep down you know you do not see yourself spending the rest of your life with them, what do you tell them, "I am not ready".
My advice to her, let him know you are looking to settle down and even though he has not asked you, you do not see yourself waiting for the next five years on what may or may not be - walk away without bitterness in your heart, cos at the end of the day, if you want to be bitter, it will only affect you, not him. Goodluck oh, Ms. Time.

Anonymous said...

LOLOL rofl sorry I know this is taking us back but I just read the last line in Miss Time's letter where she says something like apart from that, everything is alright in her relationship.
Mehn, women sha. WE believe what we want to...I mean talk about delusions (not even illusions) of grandeur on a gargantuan scale...
Girl let the scales fall off your eyes and I hope it does soon before you put in five years. Everything is NOT alright in your relationship, infact nothing is right if he is telling you to your very face that he is only planning to use you till he is ready and let's just hope he does not find someone else in the interim...
Awon girls have told you, carry your manolos and run's fast's u can...

Cougar gal said...

Yup everyone is right ....dont go there cooking and playing wifey ...this man is turning u into his "Bust it baby" ...You can let him poke ur whiskers behind closed doors ...but from today dont go out in public with him ...dont meet his friends and family and vice versa. You need to be out there and available to potential long term partners. Infact when he sees ur lack of interest two things would happen he would either commit or exit !

Anonymous said...

Power and Dominion is at work here.This is similar to the man that would make his girlfriend give him Fellatio but refuses to go down on her -Cullinglingus.

Go to you tube and watch AlexykTylor videos.
Watch
"ASK ALEXYSS When Should I Let GO of A MAN"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aN7WFUiFCY


Also read this book "Dont Call that man" by Rhonda Findling.

Sasha said...

my friend, don't even wait five years or a single day, pick up your bag and step. A man who wants you will beg for you hand in marriage. Obviously, you are good enough for a gfriend but not good enough for a wife. If he is commitment phobic, it is not your job to fix him. Let him fix himself elsewhere.
I dated a guy like that for 4 years becos i was scared of the unknown. But eventually i left him. Within 2 weeks of meeting my hubby, he proposed and we are happily married with2 kids. My ex is still unmarried and tells me he regrets not settling down with me. Bullshit!!!!. I regret being in the relatioship for 4 years. What a waste of time. I learnt alot from that expereience. So my girl, from me to you, please free the guy and bail.

Anonymous said...

HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU. FORGET ALL THAT RUBBISH THAT HE IS TALKING, HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU!

IDE.

In my head and around me said...

You should be grateful that he has told you who he is. Others make you find out the hard way. I actually applaud him for being so candid.

Can't agree with the mantra.

I believe he is saying to you: This is what I am about. If it is not in keeping with what you about, you need to know so that you can make an informed decision about this relationship.

Don't be mad at him, be grateful.

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, what you going to read is going to be painful, but i bet you follow people's advice than to regret it later.
please deary you've got to leave the relationship ASAP. you can tell me thatis easy to say,but you have to, and thank God that this guy make it clear to you. i like is courage and his honesty, unlike other guys that will keep lying to you ( his decision might be due to something that happen in his family, e.g his parents). Lovely if you decide to wait for him, and he decide it won't be you, he'll tell you he told you so.
Girlfriend, i was in a messy relationship like you for 6years ( all crazy things happen in that relationship)form punching to cheating & family affairs,it is a long story, but i get fed up and quit (thank God he was away at the time, because i might be tempted to take him back).
Babe yoy have to call this guy and explain to him that you've think about the fact that he is not ready to settle down in 5 years, that your own plan is completely different from that. (let him realise that you're not trying to test him or something, your just talking about your own happiness and moving on.
NOTE: you have to stay far away from this guy if you make your decision, if not you'll end all trap in the relationship.
Goodluck my dear.

Ebere said...

Sis,

Move on.

Unless you're happy to stick around until he's ready...