Tuesday, January 15, 2008

WOULD YOU CONFESS?

Hi Everyone,
How is your week going?
Mine is going ok so far, its such a pain working again after such a long break!
Here I've come again with my questions.
I cant go into too much detail about the background of this but here goes.
Someone I know cheated while dating her bf, long story about the circumstances of the cheating. Anyways, her bf was very angry and even broke up with her.
Then he thought about it and prayed about it (according to him...)
He then forgave her and some years later got married.
The thing is now that they are married, he brings up what she did all the time. As in he uses it to justify everything that he does wrong and obviously that is putting a huge strain on the relationship.

So....

Ladies, would you confess to your boyfriend/fiance/husband if you cheated?

Fine, I know many might say 'hell no' but what if there was a chance that he could find out. Would you not prefer for him to hear it from you? Perhaps, it happened when you were dating, wouldn't you like to know his reaction then when a breakup is easier as opposed to when you guys get married?
Or do you subscribe to the philosophy of 'what you dont know, wont hurt you'?

Guys also let us know what you would do if you found out your girl cheated. Is there any possibility that you would forgive her?

Looking forward to your responses!!!!

47 comments:

Indigenous Productions said...

If there was a chance that he could find out then I would probably confess

bleue said...

OMG.
2nd.

afunto` baby™ said...

i really doubt that i wud...

Inuke Omotola Davis said...

Fourth!

I would rather confess before he finds out from another source.

Anonymous said...

I dunno if I would....esp if it was just a one time thing...but hmm there's always a but..

Toks said...

I might confess AFTER he finds out and not before, and he must find out from the other guy for me to confess. If it was meant for him to know then it wouldn't be called cheating shei.

Fausset said...

I Like your blog...its funny..its depends on many things tho. if our relationship is based on trust and i know he tells me everything then maybe ill tell him...i mean ill give him in small doses tho..lol and why is he still accusing her....when did they get married and when did she cheat...

Ladybrille said...

I really don't know. I hope not to be in that situation. Most likely yes b/c it would be hard 4 me to live a lie, which our relatioship would turn into that b/c the trust is broken. . .

onydchic said...

Yeah... i really have no idea. I have a very heavy conscience... It would probably haunt me. I think ill be too much of a coward to tell him, and might end up just ending it...
but then the likelihodd of me ceating is too low... i dont have the heart!

Areagal said...

Its very easy for a woman to forgive a man who has confessed to cheating but VERY rare for a man to do the the same. I know of many instances where its the case. Trust is very important to have in a relationship. I wouldnt cheat on anybody because I woul dnot want them cheating on me but if some I know wanted to confess to their man about their infidelity, I would advise them against it. JUUST friggin pray about it and dont do it again because the minute you tell the person, u have killed the realtionship. When you are caught and even if the man claims to forgive you the realationship is just as good as over. Men just cant deal with that sh@#. Its something thats always at the back of their minds ALWAYS!

Tux said...

"Then he thought about it and prayed about it (according to him...)
He then forgave her and some years later got married.
The thing is now that they are married, he brings up what she did all the time. As in he uses it to justify everything that he does wrong and obviously that is putting a huge strain on the relationship."

me-thinks: both the prayer and forgiveness are not genuine. It twas genuine, I believe, once forgiven should be all-forgiven.

And yes, I believe its best to confess to one another if things go wrong - at least, first, before he/she finds out somewhere else.

Anonymous said...

Bella in my own opinion. I just don't think the guy likes the girl. Hear me ... i did not say love ... i said like. He married in my own opinion (i would use that word again) ... out of his duty to her.

If not, why bring up sthg that happened years back. Is that genuine, maturity on his part? But then again it takes two to tango. Maybe he was "convinced" by "who knows" to marry the girl. You know ... in life there are three version's of a story. His, Her's and God's.

Thanks. Bella, have a nice week.

Anonymous said...

All this happened before they were married? and he is still using it as a weapon? he is an olodo. Perhaps he forgave her to play "matyr", "the good guy". He should chop shit, either you forgive or you don't.

As for your question, I will not confess, if he finds out, na im luck be dat. Men are assholes, do not pity them.

Aussie gal said...

I'll not tell him b4 he finds out but even if he finds out the truth I'll deny it.

The guy must be silly to bring up old gist. The babe cheated when they were dating not married so what's the big deal.

Ooh well, this one na lesson to babes. U don't tell or agree to cheating on a guy u want to spend the rest of ur life wth.

Bella, i want to say thank u for taking the time to keep informed.
I'm a naija babe in Australia.

Zena said...

Well, like the second anonymous said, I really don't think he likes her that much, If I was her, I'd put a lot of salt in his food, or burn it a couple of times, I mean that's utter rubbish. What's in the past is in the bloody past.

I dunno mehn, I guess it depends on the guy and the circumstance...you know how ppl say they'd do something and when it comes to the situation, it's entirely diff....I dunno

neffywalker said...

before i step out ... it would have to be an extreme circumstance.... i would honestly tell him BEFORE im about to cheat..
i have cheated ONCE on a boyfriend... and when i came home i couldnt sleep in the bed... cos i thought it to be disrespectful... lol... (as if cheating wasnt) but as he laid there...and tears were streaming down my eyes... i said... i just came back from being with "_" and one thing lead to where i wanted it to lead to...and i cheated on you tonight. needless to say we didnt work out.... but he respects me for telling the truth ... and im one of his most cherished friends.

i dont know about this situation.. him using it as an excuse to do wrong is childish.... if i were her i would simply tell him to shut the hell up... no one wants to hear that.... she isnt there to be a slave to his emotional bullshit feelings.. get over it be a man and deal with it.. period
i dont know.. now im mad... lol.... give me his number... let me talk to him ... he needs some balls

neffywalker said...

lol @ zena with the salt and burnt food... he would just complain about that... cos he is emotional.

Anonymous said...

I would not confess unless I find out he cheated on me before I cheatd on him. I would rub it in his face.

Men do not typically confess about cheating. They will lie, dodge, and play hide-and-seek. I discovered my bf having inappropriate telephone conversations with a woman he met at a store. The conversations were not sexual in nature, but was too casual for two people that had known each other for less than a week.

When I confronted him with it he denied that he was intimate with her and said she was a crackhead and that he met her at a gas station. She sounded perfectly sane to me. I do not believe him. I seriously think he slept with her,but I have no proof.

Since then, I have not felt the need to be honest with him about things and I no longer trust him 100%. I have not physically cheated with another man, but I have gone out with other men. The reason I have not had sex with other men is b/c I do not believe in sex with more than one person. Its too risky even with protection and the idea of multiple sex partners sickens me.

Anonymous said...

I'm a man; and if I am caught cheating on top of woman, I will swear my head off that that's not me cheating, but a cousin or twin broda of mine...truth hurts; mostly infidelity....it's good to be honest in a relationship, but cheating is just one thing I'll never be honest about; and I think women should do d same.
if my woman cheats on me; please dont tell me...bcos' i'm 'bout to kill somebody!!!
A man will try to do anything to know d truth 'bout his woman cheating; but trust me, once he finds out, he will hold that shit against you 4 life; prayer ko, forgive ni!
It's a man's thing; once his woman cheats, he feels betrayed, less of a man, worthless and denigrated. a man can't stand thinking that another man has been through his dearly beloved. it's a fucking mental thingy!
Advice to all women: if you cheat on your man; just call the relationship quit...he doesn't deserve to be with you anywayz!
And for d men; just get da stepping...dat shit hurts & u will never forgive her!!!

Bella Naija said...

lol...I am lovin the responses so far. the last anonymous..u made me lawl so much. I feel u tho.

Let me give you my honest 2 cents.
I have never cheated on a bf (physically....mentally...i dont know lol)
but seriously, I would NEVER confess.

I would keep my mouth shut...I woudnt even tell any of my friends...I would just keep the info restricted to me and my partner in crime.

That said, to be very honest, if I was in a relationship and still felt compelled to cheat for whatever reason. I would seriously reevaluate whether I should be in that relationship and the answer will probably be NO!

Anonymous said...

I will never confess unless there is a chance that he will find out. Men cannot deal with things like that and as a result they will keep bringing it up

JuiceeFrute said...

Confess ke? Lai lai. The thing is we girls like to think that if our men were in the same shoes, they'll confess too. But I have asked this question to many of my guy friends and they always say they will NEVER confess. Even if the girl came and said so and so happened. As in the truth might be glaring right at them and they'd still deny it. A guy I was seeing, cheated on me and till tomorrow he will keep denying it.
Wrong move on the part of ur friend mehn!! Cause her husband will never forget it. The only thing that I can hope happens is that her guy mans up and stops bringing up old shit. God knows, he's probably done worse.

purefiyah! said...

the dude is a mess. when God forgives us of our sins he said he throws it into the sea of forgetfulness which means even though we mess up again and again he is not going to keep bringing up what we did before.. We should really learn the concept of forgiveness! It is not something you say it is something you do.. I pray he changes and that the lord intervenes. only the love of God can save this marriage.. when God gets on the inside anything is possible.. without that the marriage is heading down divorcelane!

Anonymous said...

No I will NEVER confess, if it does come up, I will THOROUGHLY deny it

Olu said...

I doubt if i wud eva cheat...and if i do cheat, it depends on ow much i like d pellzin...
if i rily lyk d guy, i'll tell im..if not..worreva mehn..u dnt need to know!what u dont know rily wont kill u

Kpakpando said...

She herself did she really think she married Jesus? Because that's the only man I know who truly forgives, the rest of them are something else. He will keep bringing it up until he feels he has gotten even with her or God removes that memory from him. They should consider counseling otherwise they might end up calling it quits.

If I cheated I would sha confess and leave him alone. I hate the burden that guilt brings. But at the same time I'm not going to sit there and endure him lashing out his hurt and disappointment on me, that ish is for the birds.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bella,

Let's say it was the other way around:
Gents, would you confess to your girlfriend/fiance/wife if you cheated? and let's hear the response from the men.

If her husband is still behaving like a wounded saint, that's his choice, what does he want, a chance for revenge or blooooood He should stop acting mr"WONDERFOOOOOOOOOOOL", cos he said"I DO". WOULD MEN CONFESS???,

THEY ARE NOTORIOUS LIARS B4 AND AFTER MARRIAGE.

GOD HAVE MERCY.

guerreiranigeriana said...

interesting...hope i am never in the situation...i used to say honesty at all costs...

...then a good friend of mine told me about how she cheated on her boyfriend and father of her children...she had no intentions of doing such again and was actually more in love and appreciative of her boyfriend...telling her boyfriend would have only been a selfish act to alleviate the burden of harboring a secret, but would have been damaging to his self-esteem and trust in the relationship...she didn't see the need especially since she was not interested in leaving him...it was an interesting and new take on the situation...

...i just pray i never have to deal with that...just end the relationship and then go have a romp or two;)...

Undressed said...

miss bella...hows it going?? havent been on ur blog for a while, now this...loll..interesting stuff!

I think the "right" thing is confess, but I'd probably just shut my mouth and leave the relationship 'cause like you said, whatever will lead me to cheat will also make me re-evaluate the relationship...

Dammie said...

Well, since u will not be confessing bella!...there goes me ever proposing to u!!

Anonymous said...

I will only confess if it was not a mistake and I cheated to spit my partner. Men cheat all the time and it is taken as common place, it is only a big deal when a woman does it. I don't think I will ever cheat, but if I do it is becos I decided to get back at a BF or Hubby and I will definitely confess cos I did it to spite him and then I will be leaving the relationship after that, cos if I can get to that point of spite then I don't need to be with that person

Anonymous said...

I could not & would never cheat in the first place. but if i were to, i would tell him just because it'll be to much for me to handle and if it were the other way around i would hope thathe would respect me enough to tell me.

Anonymous said...

Heck no. I don't see myself cheating cos i am very conscientious but even if i did, ya girl ain't telling.....even if the partner in crime stood right in front of me. Men are unforgiving and will always bring your cheating nature up....no matter what.

Anonymous said...

i digress but i have to say this...i relate this question to a friend who confessed to her hubby all the men she dated and slept with b4 she married and i am like "what for?"...."what is the point" and her answer was "just so that he knows".....i found that strange and uncalled for. Why bring the past up.....it doesn't make sense.
So to answer this question, i won't tell. If it was that bad that i had to cheat then i need to leave the relationship. Let sleeping dogs lie....

Some guy said...

Well,

I think this kind of thing is pretty heavy to contemplate; I'd hate to be cheated on by a girlfriend but definitely the earlier I knew, the better it would be.

And as for that guy, if I planned on forgiving my lady, I'd forgive completely. No sense bringing it up again over and over years later.

And even if after you forgive, you have to recognize whether you can still stay with the lady afterwards because it seems like this fella is having issues with that.

Anonymous said...

Me Abeke! Confess never that even if he finds out and there was witnesses I will not adimit it... Cause guys are so soft they can't take the shit they dish out...so me I say deny deny deny. LOL I have done it before... Besides if I cheat on ur ass it means my heart ain't there anymore....

tatafo! said...

well your story is one reason why it's a no-no! he obviously has not completely forgiven her and to be honest if the shoe was on the other foot, I don't think she'd let him off the hook either!

Naija Chickito said...

NO no NEVER, will never tell my bf I cheated. How could I? Maybe if I was being blackmailed by my fellow 'cheater', yes, but under any other circumstance....never, ever

RJ said...

HELL NO....I wouldn't tell. A few months back I kinda cheated and I havent fessed up to it because it would create unnecessary wahala. It was better for me to just move on with my life and pretend it never happened. But if he cheats, should he tell me? HELL YEAH...he better - whatever! we all love double standards ;-)

the guy with the story said...

when a man forgives his woman who cheated on him.....he never brings it up ever again....unless he has lost his self esteem..and believes all his wrong dids will bring that back....

but quit the bullshit.... the only time a man makes it a point is only when she makes him feel....LIKE THE OTHER PARTNER IN CRIME was more.....

should she confess before marriage??? yes..... if he will find out....cos finding out in marriage.....scatters every thing... plus....everytime he has ever suspected her acts in marriage becomes... oh so that was why...she..oh..ok.. i see...

you dig....!

God is the only Healer....! cos the healing ribs was taken to create woman! so dont have thatanymore... thats why it hurts when the woman(the ribs) cheats

ababoypart2 said...

I have always lived my life in a simple fashion. Things happen, we are all human, we can all make mistakes, we only live once, and sometimes we drift. It doesn’t always make us bad, just human. So yes, I can easily forgive.

Iyaeto said...

Jerry Springeress!! asko lobito

adaa said...

D guy is an ass!!!! Coz u don't go back to a dog's vomit after u claim to have 'forgiven'.

totally agree with anon 6.44, it is the norm to accept that a man 'cheats', but as a woman, u r doomed.

Experiences....ve shown, NEVER to tell coz you as d woman will NEVER be forgiven!

Anonymous said...

my dear,even if he hears it from the guy i cheated with him on...id still deny it. He loves me right? If i say i didnt,he might not believe me,but he'll always wonder if its possible that i truly didnt....there's no budging on that one except there is a video of me and this other guy of which...if i was even going to cheat,knowing how perverted guys are these days,id insist the lights are off,lol!

pamelastitch said...

Can I simply say "hell no".


Pls, can you put the ifunanya track back...pls, pls,pls....


:-)

thank you o!!!

Favoured Girl said...

How sad that the husband that claimed he had forgiven her is now bringing up her past deeds and using it as a weapon to blackmail her. I think they both need counselling, the guy has not really gotten over it. If he wants to keep the marriage then he has to reevaluate his feelings and trust issues.
On the other note, I don't think I have the liver to cheat on my hubby, but if it happened, I would confess and let him decide what he wants to do. Otherwise the guilt will eat me up.

Oluwayemisi B said...

@anon- 2.24-guy u are damn funny and then u are a crook but all the same I think I respect ur opinion.

@Bella-2.32-have u ever tot of the conscience?tink about it.

and to the question,I'll confess and I wont mind if the relationship leads to a break-up,I wud prefer that to marrying the guy and he in turn torments me.In the first place,I dont deserve him by cheating on him and vice-versa.So ,I will prefer calling a spade a spade.