Monday, October 29, 2007

AUNTY BELLA - MISS CONFUSED

Hey Everyone!!!
What’s good? Hope your weekend went well.
Mine was really good! I went to the spa for a facial and a massage…blissful!
Plus one of my lil’ sisters was around so that was really cool.
Anyways, I know its usually a Thursday thing but I had to make an exception and bring Aunty Bella in on a Monday.
Hope y’all are ready to unleash the advice.

Dear Aunty Bella,

Hope your readers can help out.
My boyfriend (maybe its ex-boyfriend now) and have been dating for almost a year now. We met each other last year and were casual friends (as in hi, hello friends) until he started calling more often, started saying he fancied me etc…
I thought he was a really nice guy and everything but I refused to hang out with him or go on a date with him because of a variety of reasons.
The main reason being that at that point, I had already made plans to move away from Alaska* where we both lived. I also felt that bf and I were a bit of a mismatch because he is about 8 years older than me, he is very chilled out and takes a ‘lets see how each days goes’ approach to life while I am super ambitious and have a ‘lets take the bull by the horns’ approach to everything.
Anyways, I don’t know what happened because one day I woke up and started fancying Mr. BF, as in I totally just saw him in a different light. That was how the relationship started. I have to confess that Mr. bf is a perfect gentleman. As in, a dream boyfriend - Sweet, caring, affectionate, generous and everything. Really, really, no drama. Nigerian girls, you know how rare guys like this are. Just in case you have forgotten, go to figurella’s blog to refresh your memory!
So after some months, the time came for me to move away from Alaska. It was a really difficult time because I was scared that I was not making the right decision but I really hated Alaska and got a really great job in Lagos. Mr. bf actually asked me not to move but I said that I had to. We talked about the whole thing and agreed to continue long distance even though we are both ‘against’ long distance relationships. I also agreed that I would consider moving back to Alaska after a year but gave no guarantees.
That was how the issues just escalated, as soon as the whole long distance thing started; it got really difficult with the time difference and all that. Also, we both have very demanding jobs so many times we would want to talk but would be just too exhausted to do so. We started having more and more little arguments which ended up escalating to huge ones. Being that Mr. bf is a very chilled person, he hates fighting and is very non-confrontational so this put a huge strain on things. Anyways, mr. bf came to visit and the whole trip was going well until we had another huge fight and he ended up going back to Alaska quite upset.
From that point, it was as if something was just lost. Everytime we spoke, it just wasn’t the same feeling but from my side the reason for all the fighting was the whole moving thing. It just put me on the edge and made me pick on every other thing.
We talked and mr. bf asked why I hadn’t started making plans to move back to Alaska and I said I didn’t see myself moving back there anytime soon and he made it clear that he saw Alaska as his permanent base for the next 5 years at least.
As I said, mr. bf is 8 years older than me so is looking for a relationship that has a ‘clear future’, that is why he really wants to know if and when I will move back to Alaska. I on the other hand, could see a future with mr. bf but am not in a hurry and especially do not want to go back and live in Alaska (as in the place is very boring and cold)
So my question is what should I do?
Should we just let go of the relationship because we both don’t want to move?
Should we try to make it work? How can it work?
Ladies, would you leave your successful career in a place which you love to move to a city you dislike for your man?
I love Mr. bf and really don’t want to lose him (hmmm might have already…) but its like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I want to be with bf. On the other hand, I feel this will mean letting go of a huge chunk of my aspirations and therefore will leave me bitter later.
Pleasssssssse help.

Miss Between A Rock & A Hard Place aka Ms. Confused
*Some details have been coded

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

Relocating to another city is a big move, so don't do it just to please your BF. If you dislike Alaska as much you say you do, then you'll definitely end up despising your BF for 'making' you relocate.
Think over it. Weigh the pros and cons and pray to God for guidance.

Cassie

Justme said...

im first!!!! yay!!!

Justme said...

worahell??? i thot i was first!!!
damn u anonymous!!!

Bola said...

My sistah let me profer some advice to you.
1. You both have different temperaments...he is phlegmatic and you are obviously choleric (Check out Tim Lahaye's book titled 'The 4 Basic Temperaments' for more info on this) so thats why you view life differently.
2. Long Distance relationships are never easy....a and are downright tough. You need to be xtra commited to maintain them.
3. You are both at diffrent places mentally and age wise. Are you ready to settle down to life with him in Alaska to save the relationship or you want to sample what Lagos have to offer? Note of caution, the sharks in Lagos waters are deadly...could be better to settle with Mr Alaska...but then are you ready to look back at life and wonder at what might have been? Its a tough call. Only you can make that decision for yourself. My advice is pray about it. Only God knows what the future has in store for you. But I wouldnt leave a good man for some job half way round the world...but then I would say that cos Im now older and wiser....

Ladybrille said...

Made # 5 on list! Will read again much later . . . digest it 2nd round b/4 I begin dey advice, later today.

adede said...

As I read through this I see the decision clearly but it seems no one is ready to accept it.

I had a long distance relationship with my husband before we got married and he decided to move to the States and was willing to stay for x amount of years and then we will all move back to Naija which I agreed to cos I had no problem with that.

But in your case, he is not ready to move back and you are not ready to go back too. It looks a decision has been made.

ms. confused said...

Thanks everyone!
@bola, your advice was very insightful
@adede, thanks but as you said, you and your husband agreed to stay in the states for x number of yours (I am sure you have a vague idea of an actual number as per x)
In my case, he is unwilling to give even a rough figure as to how many years he wants to stay in Alaska. I am willing to compromise but I cant imagine staying there permanently.

O.E. said...

I am not sure if he has actually asked you to marry him. I ask this because I know of a case where The girl moved to be with the boy who had not proposed marriage and they broke up after about 6 months

Talk to your parents and see what they say.

Also, I think marriage is built on two people having the same values and vision and mission. Do you guys have the same values, mission, vision and goals. If the difficulties you people are having has to do with the fact that you guys don't agree and don't see eye to eye on those important things then I think that whether you are in Alaska or Lagos you will still have problems.

Anonymous said...

i think if u really loved the guy u and he rally loves you , u would move over espiecially if he is going to pop the question. i understand how u feel about living in a town u dont really like. i once met someone in new jersey and i was in london i wanted to get married but i hated the place and did not really like the guy so it was easier to make the decision. at the end of the day it is left 4 you to decide as long as u dont regret it, very decent nigerian men are hard to find and u can always find another job.

Icy said...

hmmmm... Aiight. I am all for independence and career and all that but we gotta be clear. Where is home for you? Home should not necessarily be a place. Home can be someone. So even if Alaska is not home(physically. Heck nowhere is as per Africans. We travel everywhere and we can live anywhere) is the man you seem to have a thing for home? But he's gotta be compromising too so work it out. Give it one more shot. if it isn’t working YOU BOTH NEED TO MOVE ON.

Anonymous said...

eight years is a big age difference sha.

Anonymous said...

hmmm chances are you that u would be miserable if you move back to Alaska. Miserable gf + miserable man = miserable relationship. From look of things he's probably at the age where he needs to settle down and he really cannot move to start again.Can you guys compromise.Can you move to another US state (I'll prolly be miserable in Alaska too). If he's not willing to co-operate with you then its best to end the rel. Nothing worse than living in place you hate. You will hate urself and hate him too...nobody wins. But if u really really really love him then u could sacriface ur happiness and pray and hope one day he will move :)

Kpakpando said...

Miss Rock,

I truly hope you haven't fallen for the hype that good men don't exist, so the first one that it kinda works with, is do or die! Good men exist, so don't be moving up and down in the name of a so called drama free man.

If the man wants a clear future [b]WITH YOU[/b] he'll find a way to make it work. I don't know if its wise to uproot yourself and your life to go to somewhere you absolutely HATE for someone you haven't even mentioned that you love. Abi is your existence in life solely for his benefit? The dude hasn't even talked about marriage, but he wants you to give up so much to be doing girlfriend/boyfriend, E ga sikwa... you berra just stay where you are, and only consider moving if the stakes are increased.

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss GF, I truly will go along with what Kpakpando said. A lot of us ladies have been fed the lies that no good man exists. The last relationship I was in mirrored yours. I am very ambitious and he was not. For grad school he wanted to go to a school where he needn't even take the GRE. So I began to wonder how much less he would settle for. If your priorities in life and your ambition levels are totally opposite, then let's draw the line now. I would suggest you aplogize to him, end the relationship and move on because it may become worse in the future. What if you end up earning more or become more successful et. al., how will he handle that? Also, I dread people who are totally non-confrontational. They keep record of all your evil and will someday soon erupt...and do so badly. Further, you mentioned that you weren't ready to settle down too, so please release the man from his misery and let him go. You'll be doing yourself a favor too. All the very best!

Temi said...

I would say in two words -- MOVE ON.. Marriage is not something that you want to compromise on. You will always wonder what life could have been in Lagos if u end up moving back to Alaska for him. You will meet someone else you will fall in love with. Dont compromise your needs or aspirations

YankeeNaija said...

Confused: Don't you dare give up on YOUR dreams and aspirations. Do what you need to do for yourself. He is not and will not be the last man to care for you the way you deserve to be loved. Like my mom always tells me, "the beautiful ones are not born yet" and besides, we are not meant to love only one person. Do for you because if you give up what makes you happy, you'll grow to hate Mr. BF. When all else fails, put it in prayer.

sasha said...

Ms. Confused,
i have two words for you. FREE HIM. Let the man go. You are wasting precious time. Though they say, opposites attract, in this case, this relationship is doomed for failure. I don't mean to sound harsh but the truth is bitter. He hasn't even popped the question so why are u worrying your pretty head. When he does pop the question, then call us for advice. On the other hand, u havn't claimed undying love for the man so what is the argument here?...There is another man out there for you but Mr. Alaska most definitely ain't the one.

Unbiased said...

There has to be a way to keep your dreams and your man. Do you want both enough?
Long distance aint easy. Been there. Done that and it didnt work cause of a lack of commitment on someone's part.
If you guys are serious enough to be talking marriage then thinking of moving is okay. But just dating? My dear forget. If you move and things dont work out you will hate yourself big time. You have gotta win somehow in this.
So choose. A steady man and a career that will take longer to build or a fast growing career. Choose babes. Choose.

Ms. Confused said...

Thanks everyone!
More details, as per the marriage issue, we have talked about it.
No we arent engaged but I am confident if we continue the relationship, its heading in that direction.
As per the moving, I guess it has a dual purpose, I am due for my US citizenship and if I move back, I will have it in about 2 years so even if the relationship doesnt work, I will have my passport.

You guys have very valid points and I appreciate it that u guys r being honest but mennnnn it aint easy to let go of someone u love especially when they havent done anything wrong. :(

Thoughts Aloud said...

U say u love him but yet you don't want to compromise for him.Right, love shouldn't have to hurt but then again it's not always that easy. U kinda sound nonchalant about it.U know best, read all the advice but pick one that makes the most sense to you bearing in mind the fact that whatever decision u make now, will either hunt u o leave you happy.U'll be fine girlie:)

Ladybrille said...

Ms. Confused, I like your interactiveness. My thoughts are that irrespective of whether you move to Lagos or New York,for example, I doubt very much that this relationship will work-- especially from your end. I say this looking primarily at your description of your personalities, desires and location. Mr. Bf is comfortable being an Alaskan, appears like down the line if he tied the knot with you, he would want to remain in Alaska. You on the other, my dear, are more like a free spirit that feels trapped in "boring" Alaska. You have a very exciting strong personality that is the opposite of his "non-confrontational" one. You are also a go getter who seeks the chaotic life a city like Lagos offers:)I think this will create a MAJOR issue down the line. To him, Alaska is probably calm, serene and beautiful. To you, it is "boring." You will always want to go, to move to the excitement. I think you need to spread your wings, fly and get to a point where you do not want the hustle and bustle of Lagos/New York or any other big city life; or if you do, it is to go work and return home to the calmness of Alaska for this relationship to work. I think you should move on. You will be doing him a favor.

Anonymous said...

just pray about it the bible says the steps of a good man are ordered by God .ask God what your will in my life ask Him for directions .you are positioned to be somewhere on purpose so ask God where am i positioned to be in life.dont rush to make decisions in life it may cause u grief and sorrow .let God take ABSOLUTE CONTROL over ur life.what do u really want for urself and out of dat relationship ?ask him what he wants for himself and the relationship.i once moved to london cos of a guy and later he started behaving funny thank God i noticed immediately so i backed my bags back to lagos though am single but very happy with my family friends and my job.we should seek GOD first then every other things will be added on to us .happiness is what i seek most in life cos when am down i hate it .just seek the face of GOD.may God help u and guide u thru amen.

Tomtom said...

My dear you are in a situation I see that there is a clear answer. For me, I love home and regardless of any guy I go out with Ive made up my mind that either he comes with me( white black chinese etc..lol) or it aint gonna work out. Now my question to you is How much do u love home? What are your plans in Lagos? Is he financially comfortable in Alaska? If you do let go of Lagos i believe that later in life you will want to go back because you will have that 'what if' thing on your mind. Also if you do get married and have children do u want your children as Alaskans????(think about that carefully! lol). He seems like hes not willing to give up anything for u so ask yourself, what happened to the equality in the relationship if there was any?
Plus there is no rush at all you can still do the long distance thing and see how that works out but if you have to be there for the love to reach him then i dont think its worth it cos i believe couples should feel their love werever they go. Anyways the real answer is with God :-)

Waffarian said...

Abeg don't do anything for any penis. They are unpredictable! Your happiness is what matters jare. Good man? hisssssssss where dem dey?

Thinker said...

I think you've got nothing to lose. As you said you'll get your US citizenship in two years so u might as well move. You can always go back to Lagos. Getting back into your career in Lagos after two years should not be that difficult (judging by your level of education in the states). Two years together in the same place should give the relationship quality time to grow. You shouldn't have to wait till he pops the question before you move because you can always tell his intentions. And anyways guys have been known to call off engagements. So my dear I would move but let him know my fears and that you are willing to hang in there for two years. Talk to him about meeting you half way. Is there any strong reason why he must remain in Alaska? Why is he anti-Nigeria at his age? Personally I'm not so into guys who don't have a move-back to nij plan. Anyways goodluck. Remember in the long run it's your decision. And never let yourself be a push over.

Nyemoni said...

This is a tough call dear. I'm wondering if you can put your feelings into perspective enough to find out if giving up your job and moving to Alaska (a place you do not really like)to be with Mr. BF will make you happy in the long run? You may be bitter in the long run if being Mrs bf isnt all you wished for and more...
And why oh why doesn't bf want to relocate for you? Coulnn't he do that if he loved you as much as you love him? Love is about compromise and that compromise should be by both parties... Give this a lot of thought before you make your final decision and good luck!

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

Mba, I am ot relocating anywhere. All of you asking her to move, k, so she does so and she is misreable freezing her yansh off in Alaska, will you come and make her hot cocoa.
If a place does not agree with you, pretty much everything else will do the same...
You need to weigh this relationship gidi-gan

eida said...

First of all, you contradicted yourself in 2 places in the story.
You initially said you liked to take the bull by the horns and then later, when he asked you to move, you said you were not in a hurry.
So, it seems like you don't really know what you want.I am just like that. I want one thing today and the exact opposite tomorrow.
There's no right or wrong answer to this puzzle. Either could backfire and we are not prophets.
My mum moved all over Nigeria with my dad and her career suffered.But hey, it was a price she paid for love and to make her kids what we are today.
Her sisters are the opposite. Today, they are very successful career women but still single. And one of then is loving it.
My point, decide what is more important to YOU!
and not what someone else says is important.

Shaywun said...

Hey girl! Thanks for stopping by my blog, you RAWK!!!

IntellectualDiva said...

My dear, I hope you're not just gonna take advice from random bloggers! You will have only yourself to blame if anything goes wrong so I think you should consider things that are important and not just let people spoon-feed you with their views that come from their experiences!

Anyhow, look into things that are important to you. Like I would consider things like:
1. What is God saying?
2. Is this relationship serious? As in serious about marriage/settling down, etc.?
3. What impact does Alaska have on my career, family, or w/e is importnt to me?

And just on the side, I like what someone said about holding on to one good man because we think he's the only one... Might just be too blind to see others afterall.

Anonymous said...

It is your decision to make, you decide what is important. Career or a Loving man, we all know they are hard to find. I am in the same dilema myself, I am based in London and he his in Lagos.

I have a fantastic job am doing quite well in London, but I cant stand Lagos, the traffc, the constant NEPA issue ''Lights not to mention ''Water'' etc. The man in question is just starting out in his career and I earn way more than him, am a bit confused my self, but if I love him, I will move for love, cos Love is the greatest thing. So am definitely considering moving, but I asked him to give me 3 years, we can get married in London and I will come and see him every now and again before I finally move by the end of 2009. He has yet to agree, but I told him he has to compromise as well, if am gonna be moving to Nigeria as well he has to compromise. I have left the ball in his court.
I have comitted it also to Gods hands.
The only thing I ask of u is to ensure you seek Gods face, and then go with your first instinct.

Like Eida said, do you want to pay a price for a happy life or be a high flier and single...u never know u might just meet a nice single man in Lagos.
I dont have or see a problem with the fact that you are two different
people, am sure u've heard the saying opposite attracts, you can bring out the fighting spirit in him and he will help you to be much calmer as well.
Please Pray about it, speak to your parents about.

Remember, more often than not its a woman that moves.

shola pacheco said...

mr confused,in life we disagree to agree,for two to work together they have to agree,a liitle compromise,i believe a woman should be on top of her career and do whats best for herself at the same time, when a man really loves a woman he will strive to make her happy,a man can be unhappy and still endure an unhappy woman means an unhappy world lol!!! well give it time if u guys cant come to an agreement then u guys need to both move on,trust me its hard but with little stuffs like this if u guys cant agree at this point then are u sure ur ready for marriages big issues,nyway follow ur heart we all can say alot on blogville wat u feel in ur heart is wat trully matters

Belema said...

If he hasnt proposed to you then stay wherever you want.With the age difference he should know if you will be the mother of his kids.

I believe it is better for the man to love you more than you love him.


Also your 8 yrs age difference is PERFECT ! People forget men have a better life span -you dont want to look older than your husband many years later.

Follow you heart dont move becos of him.There are no guarantees in life oooh. Too many men leave women heartlessly without thinking twice.Trust me if you are living under a rock like the flintstones your divine husband will locate you.
Good luck :)

TaureanMinx said...

Depending on your age right now, 8 years might seem like a lot to you but its really not that bad.

As for advice on wether you should move or not, I agree that it really is your decision to ponder upon based on bits of info we may not be privvy to. If it were me, I wouldn't move based on 'seeing how things go'. It would be a whole different thing if he had proposed to you... as long as there is no ring on your finger, you are not obliged to consider doing anything you have a strong adversion to. Who knows, you may wake up one morning and be in love with Alaska, but until then, I would stay put.

Good luck and may God give you direction.

Zahratique said...

everything has been said really.

Aijay said...

Oh dear!... Well, I think you both need to have a serious conversation about this. What's the plan for your relationship? Tell him what your fears are (Alaska & your career).
Love & relationships are about sacrifice & compromise which, ofcourse should be a two-way stream.

Personally, I don't think distance should be a ground to end a great relationship which, you say you've got. If you guys love each other and are commited to the course, you'll make it work.
Hope you guys get this sorted. All the best babes!

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

abeg i say free the man, let him go, he hasnt even asked u to marry hime an du want to uprrot urself and go and do boyfriend/girlfriend?? what happens when u get there and thigs dont work out??? there r still good men in lagos o hell ill hook u up if u want. abge if the guy really likes u he would support ur decisions to further ur career and wait till u r ready sef.

t said...

It seems almost inevitable that you'll break up and very soon start feeling much better. Good luck - I feel your pain.

tatafo! said...

Is he your soulmate??
If yes...then pack your bags and move to Alaska, the very fact that you sacrificed that much will spur him into moving to a location of your choice two years from now.

And you know Lagos boys na wa!! So don't expect to find something wonderful from Lagos boys.

If he is not your soulmate....then you might want to wait for the next bus!

Anonymous said...

its amazing how sistahs like to help each other in times of need. reading thru the thread, everyone seems to have your interest at heart. but someone did say we arent prophets. you will look back several years on and wonder what would have happened if you had decided otherwise. for now get a sheet of paper and write down clearly the pros and cons of each possible scenario. and these have to be extremly personal. dont be vague about your needs and dont be shy either. something like getting your US citizenship is a definite pro for moving back to alaska for example. and following your dreams and hearts desire is a pro for staying in lagos. be honest with yourself also. do you really truly love this guy. after all you did say you just woke up one day and decided that you dug him. was it a conscious decision to love a good catch? is he someone you would like to be stuck with in a log cabin on a cold alaskan night and still feel really warm? alaska not so bad...great cost of living, nice skiing and excellent hiking in the summer. i imagine it would be a nice place to raise kids. lagos certainly isnt! those are some pros and cons i just suggested there.
i get the feeling you are in your early 20s, i am not. so our priorities are different. i didnt want to leave the states in my 20s but moved back to nigeria because of the guy i married. 14 yrs on and many 'why did i' moments later, i know for certain i made the right decision not because of the country but because of the person. good luck. you could have worse problems to deal with. this aint so bad!

LASGIDI/ NY said...

Hmm, my sister after all is said and done u are the only one that can determine what will make you happy, individuals are different and everyone says what they think , either from real life or theory. I could give u an advise that i think is right but when faced with the same problem i might do things differently. U are the only one who knows how you would feel in each of the differet scenarios. U could move to alaska and he might marry u and u guys would live happily ever after, or it could take yrs before u start resenting him for giving up ur dreams , or he might just fuck up and it could have been a waste of time. Like i said only u can determine that, there comes a time in life that u are the only one who has the answers to your own problems. Pray about it and search deep i am sure you will come to the right decision.

Adaure said...

This sort of happened to someone in my family recently. In this persons case they were ENGAGED and had a home together. One person wanted to move, the other didn't. One wanted to compromise by doing the long distance thing but the other didn't. It was clear both had strong reasons for their stance and there was no woring this one out so both called it quits. Now knowing what I know usually happens when it's obvious that one party made the mistake of picking career over relationship they usually regret it and wish the hands of time could be changed. BUT IT WILL BE TOO LATE. If you think you can live with your decision to not move back to Alaska with ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS i'ld say move on, I'm sure God has prepared something better for you and you just need to be well positioned to recieve it. BUT if you will brood about it 5 years down the line when you are still single, boyfriendless, lonely and the only thing you are happy about is a great job, nice pad and plenty of money and find yourself wishing ALASKA was around to share all that with you or that you could give up all the material things for Alaska; perhaps compromise may not be such a BAD THING afterall

G.nie said...

I totally agree with intellectualdiva. read her comment again!!!

Anonymous said...

I imagine that all these varying comments could only have left Ms confused even all the more confused.

No matter what anyone says, you make the decision yourself at the end of the day. And if you take anyone's advice it will be the one that most resembles your opinion.

It would be interesting to know what happens in the end though. So please keep us posted.

||..KinG's DaughteR..|| said...

soo your Mr.Bf is hooked on Alaska uhh...

You know what? being able to give and take in a relationship is very key...he needs to learn to compromise and so do you. If you both cant talk it out and reach a decent agreement then let that relationship die out..

If you relocated and something happens that causes yall to break-up, you will foever blame him and yourself. Know what you want and go after it..prioritize my dear. If your relationship is your priority then go after it, if your career is your priority for now then do what you gotta do hun.

Making decisions under pressure can be very dangerous (sometimes).
good luck sha.