Thursday, September 28, 2006

AUNTY BELLA - MR TORN

Here is another edition of ‘Aunty Bella’
If you don’t know what it’s about read HERE
Miss M who shared her issue the last time says a huge ‘Thanks’ to everyone who advised her.
She said she has decided to go ahead with her wedding. I wish her all the best!
Now to today’s edition -

Dear Aunty Bella,

Here is my story. I just moved to the states some months ago. I recently started my MBA but moved here some months early to settle down. I have a girlfriend back in Nigeria and we dated for about 7 years. I met her during my 100 level at university and we have been together since then. Before I left Nigeria, I proposed to her, introduced myself to her parents and made it known that I will be back next year to marry her. I even told my parents and they are making preparations. My fiancée is a sweet girl, I was her first boyfriend and I know she will make a good wife.
Bella, here is my problem; I met this other girl when I arrived in Boston. At first I thought we could be just friends – that did not work. I thought it was just a fling – it is deeper than that. I am in love with her. I no longer answer my fiancée’s calls or emails. I heard from some friends that she is quite depressed due to my new attitude but I can’t help myself, I have never felt the way I feel about my new girlfriend.
I am wondering, what do I do now?
How do I break this news to my fiancée? She stuck by me for 7 years.
How do I tell our parents?
I am very confused. This situation is even distracting me from my MBA studies.
I know I am partially at fault but please help me.

‘Mr Torn’ from Boston

I totally am very unimpressed with ‘Mr Torn’. Honestly, this makes me angry.
On the bright side, I think its better that he tells his Nigerian fiancée now instead of wasting her time!

Anyway, what do you guys think? Do you have any advise for ‘Mr Torn’?

34 comments:

Icy said...

Is a lie.. hahah I'm first to read and post? let me get over this shock lol~

Adaure said...

lol @ICY... what are you doing up at such an ungodly hour? Oya fly to bed quick.

To the topic...OOOOHHHHH GOD!!!! Let me just lay my hand on this Mr. Torn it's gonna be 'weta k'egbuo'. HOw can you do this girl like this. If you knew you were not serious when you were proposing why even proprose in the firts place. Anyways If you are having doubts now and loving up on another chick, whom I am sure you didn't tell you were engaged back home, please tell the 'chichi' that you left in Naija that you no dey do again os that she will find somebody else rather than agonize over you. But bros why now...

Icy said...

hmmm.. First Mr. T I hope you learned your lesson. NEVER MAKE PROMISES since your can't seem to keep them. But then again. this Boston thing could be just a huge distraction.. do the practical thing. Make a list of what you like and don't like of each babe!lol! Hey it works more times than you can imagine. I say give naija babe a chance there was a reason you proposed remember why and follow your heart but use your head to some degree. You must have professed love to naija babe as well so how do you know which feels more real? I don't mean to be skeptical but you seem undecided .. I say take some time off and take things slow on both ends till you're compleeeeeetly sure of who you want to be with... ALL THE BEST..on a side note... and you guys wonder why we no trust una.. NONSENSE LOL~ YES I'm upset at you for her sake... Omo no let American fool you o lol!

chioma said...

@ Icy and Adaure...lmao.This one na Jonny just come.America over sweet am...I hope this is some huge joke 'cos I can barely contain my anger.O boy,you are a sorry excuse for a man.Anyway,I don't have any advice for fools like him,afterall,he is the one enjoying both bounties...

Anonymous said...

Well, Mr.T..all i can say is for you to be able to eat your cake and still have it,...simply change your religious faith,..to Islam,.incase you are not one!!
This is the only way you can have both girls,..plus you even can still go two more...
Also get a second phone, give the naija babe the new number and other girls,..this new number will be switched on ONLY when u are out,..and OFF,.the moment you get back home..make ur Boston babe believe it's a business line,..and make the others that calls it think, while the phone is unavailable you simply was attending classes and or working..
Simple...More grease to your elbow,..Playa player,.step up the game.

Angie said...

i support wat icy said. Mr.T, this thing u have wit the boston babe may not be luv...its probably LUST/INFATUATION in the highest proportion. I think you should critically decide wat u want in a future partner..frm there u can make u r next move.I can imagine the confusion u r going thru. Abeg try and read oh cos if u fail and then in the end boston babe leaves u, u will be angry wit ur self!!!
Meanwhile did u tell boston babe that u already have a babe for 7yrs..(mayb its also becos its the first time u r leaving ur naija babe 4 the first time!!!)
I think u need to pray seriously abt this..the ans is starring at u in the face.
u need a break from the two girls to clear ur head and think straight..
@Icy wat were u doing up at that ungodly hour....lol

Angie said...

@anony...lol.
Wat kind of advice is dat. U want Mr. T to ave hypertension b4 he is 40yrs. Dont u knw being a playa requires serious LIVER and HEART...

Anonymous said...

..lets face it Mr.Thorn, you stayed 7yrs with a girl..how long do u think u will live for?..300yrs?..i dont think so.
You cant be proposing to all girls you meet any longer now that u r in the US, unless u want a bullet in ur head one day,. i understand that if u dont tell naija babes u want to marry them, u dont get to taste the P*,..i quite agree with anonymous,..plus u have not Tasted the asian P yet,..those are far "wicked",.
Dont drop the naija babe ooh,..u need her when u are there,.. that na sure bankah,.if u did. she will playa hate!!and u dont need that with ur new yankee status.
Just play the waiting game,..like u need to settle in boston b4 u guys can think of the M word.,.Marry means starting a family,..so there is no quid for that now!! u know, those kind of short simple stories, she will fail u later sleeping with another guy,.. so with that..she shot herself in the foot..all the best though,.relax ur mind,. u may still wanna visit London,those grind and wind like hell, i'm afraid they wont do u if u r married.so,dont rush now and get married ooh..

K.O. said...

recall or hold your stones peeps! haba! all ye who are not humans should cast their stones!

Obviously this brotha has some serious issue here. The pain and joy the mind cooks up can only be felt by those it feeds.

All I can say young man (you fit old pass me sha.LOL) is, weigh your options man. Smell your food before you eat! Understand the recipe! You never know what is cooking.

Earth is the only place you get this kind of drama.LOL! So son, see the small print in every contract you're signing. You never know!

GoodLuck!

nosa101 said...

You why I say marriage aint worth it. See what the bitch has done to the girl even before they got married.

Omolabake said...

"out of sight, out of mind"
@ Mr. T.....,I have couple of questions to ask...
Where u having problems with ur naija gal b4 u left naija?
Did u feel pushed to propose to her b4 u left Naija?
How long into the relationship did u propose to her?
It is obvious that in many instances that distance test the strenght of ur relationship and it is only left to u to decide to remain faithful.
...I personally have a close friend in Naija whose BF dumped her after 7yrs of dating to marry a chik he met in London just a little over a yr after he left Naija....he even now has a child....sef(yeah.. almost the same scenario abi..?) And u know what his excuses were....?He said that they were having prob.... and that she treated him bad in some instances....(y'all know typical stuff that happens in r'ship now). My friend even got a VISA to go to Jand b4 the guy did.o...but she did not use it until it expired becos she did not want to leave her BF to live in Jand.(Can u imagine)
SO T...be real to urself...no matter the kind of feelings u have for this new chik.....u'll be CONDEMN for leading ur Naija chik on for so long....Can u imagine if the naija chik has already start planning the wedding sef....God is in CONTROL...

Everchange said...

I think Mr. Torn should be commended for wanting to do the right thing.

My advice to him, is that he shouldn't marry someone just because the person "stood by him for 7 years." Unless, of course, his concept of marriage is based solely on longevity and not longevity plus companionship. If you really feel that you have outgrown the first woman, then it may be good to take a step back and assess what it is you want in a marriage.

There is nothing wrong with change. A lot of ppl say that you shouldn't change because you've travelled abroad, but quite frankly, they are deluding themselves. Change is a part of life. You are in a new world, learning new things, interacting and meeting people who are different, OF COURSE you are going to change!! Just don't rush into proposing to this second girl like a buffoon. Your life is not about which girl to marry. I say take a step back, give yourself some time. Don't string along the poor woman in naija because everyone else tells you you should marry her. Marry her because she reflects the qualities you appreciate and desire, not because other ppl expect you to.

And if you decide to stick with her, you need to drop that second woman fast. No cheating.

I also think you need to grow up a bit -- it is ridiculous for a grown man to be debating over which one of two women to marry/date. You shouldn't break up with your fiancee bcuz you've found someone "better." If you decide to break up with her, it should be because you are honest enough to admit that the two of you aren't compatible anymore. Regardless, you cannot have two women. One will kill you, or they will kill each other.

Anonymous said...

Let the Naija Chick know what has happened and also let the Bean Town Chick in on what is going on. There is nothing worse than deception on both sides...then slap your self ten times for being a cheat!

K.O. said...

@Nosa101: easy with the words bro. is she your sister? or have you been jilted before? hold your cain punisher! Marriage is not for everyone. coolu tempa... :-D

abbi said...

Mr.Torn, really i consider this issue, girl thing!!..because deep in ur heart, u know wat u had with the naija babe,..and only can know whom u really love, and loves u equally..
Besides, u just entered town, i believe u need more time to cool off, atleast integrate with the new enviroment...(abi na green card issue?).Marriage is not a thing to hurry into,.statistics has shown that almost 75% of western marriages cratches b4 yr4.
..Ppl can advice u, but only u know deep down there whom and why she's right for u..but get ur degree first and set ur self up..all the best tho.

abbi said...

abbi said...
Mr.Torn, .. deep in ur heart, u know wat u had with the naija babe,..and only u know whom u really love, and loves u back equally..
Besides, u just entered town, i believe u need more time to cool off, atleast integrate with the system...(abi na green card issue?).Marriage is not a thing to hurry into,.statistics has shown that almost 75% of western marriages cratches b4 yr4.
..Ppl can advice u, but only u know deep down there whom and why she's right for u..but get ur degree first and set ur self up, that i believe is more crucial now....all the best tho.

Life through rose-tinted glasses said...

i know they usually say we cant help who we fall in love with but Mr Torn knowing that he had a fiancee back in nigeria should have steered clear of anything that might lead to what is happening now. the only thing i can think of is he should think deeply within himself who he really should be with and not who he feels like being with and do the right thing based on his answers.

Anonymous said...

Mr Torn.. omo don't worry too much about ya situation.. there are probably many reasons for your relationship with this new chick ; maybe it's love, maybe infatuation, maybe nah oppurtunity ... whatever it is... follow your heart...
so what you proposed to a girl...it's not the first time that a man develops love interest in another woman... just be bold about it - be honest to both girls.. really evaluate yourself,.. and make the best decision...
there is too much stress in this yankee - to be sending emails to 9ja or buying phone cards daily... and i know too many 9ja men who brought their spouses to america only to be disappointed in divorce saga due to their spouses' new found life... am just saying men... maybe this new girl is ur rib... but then you gotta really think about it... Fast and pray ... follow ur head and ur heart...

mona said...

ah men this one is deep o.....life, can be a bitch sha

ABBEY said...

dang why is everyone mad at poor Mr.Torn...geeeez. Stuff happens men! but Mr.Torn on the real though, you really have to make sure it's not the distance that is making you confused about how u really feel about ur girl back home. I feel you really need to take a trip home, visit your real woman and make sure you're not abandoning a sure thing for a fling. All this "I've never felt this way before...blah, blah" you might just be needing a little loving in ur life that's all.

By the way, Pick up her calls nooow...at least be polite, who knows you might run back to her and start begging so don't just cut her off like that. A good "business man" tries to never burn any bridges cus u just never know.

Icy said...

hahaha ABBEY.. I like the way you think totally my style.

A good "business man" tries to never burn any bridges cus u just never know.

Mr. T... visit your chic one more time give her a good long kiss and if you feel anything omo stick to the proposal. If not move on heck Boston chic might not even be it so chillax and get to know yourself before you start committing to people. We can not deal with 2 more bitter black women we already deal with enough shit. Biko don't compound it!

p.s Adaure and Angie.. I was working on a billboard o see me see work! Till 3am!

TaureanMinx said...

Everchange gave very good advise..I second her.

Parazone super Bleach said...

Wow seems dude is in a little bit of a pickle!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Torn:
I know of someone who was in ur situation about a year ago. He soon realized the folly of his ways and went back to his fiancee in naija, now they're happily married.
You'll have to remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. It seems to me that you're just infatuated with the new girl here and due to loneliness and all other factors, you think you're in love. I'll advise you to be careful and pray seriously. Don't let the devil mislead you....there was a reason you stayed with your fiancee in naija for so long and just 'cos you're experiencing something new, you want to forget where you came from. I pray you woon't make that mistake. My advise is to take time away from both women (no phone calls) and pray seriously for God to guide you, then you can make a decision. Remember too, that the new and exciting feeling you have now with the new woman will also fade. What happens if you get married to her and you end up being separated for some reason(job, etc)? Will you "fall in love with someone else then too?" If you cannot exercise some form of self-control now and resist temptation, what will happen when you find yourself in a similar situation( long distance relationship) while married? U REALLY NEED TO PRAY!! however, if you still insist on staying with the new woman, make sure you end your first relationship properly and respectfully.

NaijaBloke said...

I am going to go with Everexchange on this issue o.Everybody is subject to change even with the distance and everything.

naijagal said...

what kind of talk is he yarning???
abeg he should not leave his wife back home
what he has in boston is infatuation a girl who stood by him deserves the decency to know what is going on.
My 2 cents or 200kobo whatever

Anonymous said...

MR TORN
Get your fling on with the new woman in your life
but when it comes to settling down you should stick to the lady you have known for 7 years

Biodun said...

The guy deserves a slap for wasting the chick in naija's time, but when it comes to the matter of the heart, its always a good thing not to settle for less, I just hope this new love is not more of an infatuation, who knows.

Maurine said...

He shoujld be slapped.

Any man who has a relationship w/ a woman for 7 years is grown enough to resist falling in love w/ another woman!

And grown enough to know whether he is or is not in love or content w/ his financee.

Whether this man is "Mr. Torn" I know there are many, many "Mr. Torns" out there & after 2+ yrs. in a relationship they should be slapped.

Chic said...

He needs to do everyone a favor and be by himself for a bit. His fiancee has probably already guessed what happened, and I doubt if she'll ever be able to forgive Mr. Liar, especially after throwing away7 years with him. The basis of his relationship with beantown girl is sha based on lies (or truths even scarier because that kind of chick who can be with soemone else's man and still let stuff happen na real wa)
in the meantime Mr. T face your books, don't go and waste tuition money.

Anonymous said...

hmmm..the ans to very question lies within our heart.....well think carefully..cos its easier said than done...memories can never fade.....its really painful..

Mo said...

What!? To anon who suggests that he gets his fling on with the Boston chic and settle with the naija chic...WTH!?

I say follow your heart. Just because you've been with this lady for 7 years and you've proposed to her and had introductions,etc....so what!? People are entitled to change their mind. It's best that you realize you don't want to be with her now before you're already married to her. I definitely don't think you should marry someone out of a sense of obligation. If you love the Boston lady, then I say go for it. But, don't waste either one of their times. Be up front! If not, the end consequences could be more than you've bargained for.

BTW...is the Boston lady Nigerian also?

Bella Naija said...

@Mo - Boston chick is half-Nigerian but was born and bred in the states

Tee said...

A broken relationsip is better than a broken marriage. Dont marry the Niger chick bcos u ve been w her for 7 years, marry her because she ticks all ur boxes...think long and hard about both relationships, d grass is not always greener, trust me I should know. Good luck and i hope u make d best decision.