Wednesday, September 13, 2006

AUNTY BELLA - PAPA DON'T PREACH

Here is another problem for ‘Aunty Bella’ to solve……in case u don’t know what I’m talking about…Aunty Bella is a little agony aunt column we have on bellanaija …anyway u can find out more HERE

Dear Aunty Bella,
My problem is very serious but on impulse I decided to send it to you. Here is my problem – my boyfriend proposed!!!!
Hardly sounds like a problem right? Wrong!
My parents have banned me from marrying him. For what reason? I am Yoruba and he is Igbo.
You see my father used say ‘do not bring any okoro guy home’ but I thought he was joking because he and my mum have many Igbo friends.
I do not want my parents to disown me because we have always been very close but I don’t know what to do!
I love my fiancé, he is the light of my life. I am 27 years old and in London. Please you know how hard it is to find a fine and responsible Nigerian guy in the UK who wants to settle down!
Please help me! Maybe I will find a solution; maybe I will get some laughs (I hardly even smile these days).

Yours Truly, Papa Don’t Preach from London
*letter summarized for length

This is serious o. I didn’t know stuff like this still happened.
Any Advice?

25 comments:

Ehi said...

Hmm na wa o...so u mean some parents are still like this??? Well, as much as I feel you on wanting ur parents blessing....I cannot NOT marry a guy simply bcos d only reason my parents have against him is his tribe.
But ok let me think if I were u,I would pray, pray and pray and maybe try using relatives or my pastor to convince them and if after that they still don't budge and I really believe he is the ONE... I will go for it....they will eventually come around.
That's my own two cents sha. But girl all the best, so sad that u r in such a dilemma; it's really not funny..

@ Bella u don fashi my side abi....I no longer want be in ur train....lol.

Mona said...

aunty bella for those of us that have been MIA, we have been seriously distracted by another blog oh...but yea sometimes parents are right cos they have foreseen our future and sometimes they can just be outright annoying wanting only their best interests.

naijagal said...

I say to for it! They will come around eventually or you will end up living in regret. Follow your heart!

buki, London said...

Sorry this has happened to you, i am 31 and have been married for 10 years, my husband is 32 and we are doing very well. From experience - don't follow your heart as everyone is saying. Since you are sure your parents love you, they dont want you to hurt. You may not understand it now, but make sure they agree, even if you have to be a pain about this issue, but dont go against them. They may come around, sometimes they will eventually tell you why they have been so adamant. My dad always made it clear - no Muslim (no Pun intended). As he says 2 religion cannot exist is a real marriage. Eventually i broke it off with my then Muslim boyfriend, because i saw that i might be able to practice christianity,but when children come he would want to raise them as muslims - can you see the start of problems...
Get your mom to talk to him, bring the guy around the house, he must be confident, let him assure your dad, he will come around - very likely. You can do this. GET THEIR BLESSING! I pray Gods' favour will give you their approval.

Dammie said...

Ohhhh you are the one that has to live with your husband your wholee life!!!.....Our parents sometimes drive us in the wrong direction {not like they mean it}, and later regret!!!

All I'll say is if you are sure he is the one!!......Go for it!!!....If he is the light of your life, i'm sure you'll get over the dilemma with your parents!!

nee yee said...

honestly i feel ur pain, but the best you can do is to pray!
Coz weda u like it or not parents consent do matter. Let the guy himself call ur parents.
my dear its all about prayer and persistency now!!

Icy said...

Aww papa don't preach in London. Pele o. Olorun a wa pelu re. I kind of agree with Buki. A marriage is the relationship for 2 families and they need to gree o. However. Times have changed unless ya about to ship ur load and live in Naija omo u'll be fine.. They will hopefully come around. Sounds like you have tough parents so I duuno. How about his family? How have they responded? cuz really Igbo families are also particular about this issue. Pray, love your man and stay true to your heart but also use your head in between. All the BEST BABZ...! IT SHALL BE WELL!

Adaure said...

Yes oh Bella 'serious distraction'... they've hijacked our 'log in counts' oh....over 100 comments in less than 24 hrs...WTF!! Hmh...i better get my J-school 'how to hook your readers manual' out.

Anyways as per the letter write...FORGET WHAT YOUR PARENTS THINK.. when you have a bouncing baby boy they'll shut up and get their senses together. Most nigerian parents are like that, in as much as some of them say they are not, they would prefer their kids marry within their own tribe.

adaure said...

hmh!!???!!! i think they've been shut down by blogger or something. Getting a 404 meesage.

Dimples said...

PRAYER is the key...It is well...God has created us to find the rib of our rib,bone of our bone..he will direct your steps to find YOUR OWN help mate...He will surely make a way...God Bless

Bella keep us posted o..on happenings.

zaiprincesa said...

hmm...Long time no blog...ok..its only been a few days...but this is a serious predicament that only PAPA GOD can solve. You know what you want deep down in your heart...and although The Bible say's its our duty to honor our parents, sometimes, we have to think of our own happiness and whats best for us too. All i can say is, you and your Boo shuld pray about it GAN!...becus if your folks r anything like mine, well, lets just say PRAYER IS THE KEY!..Good luck!

Suzy Peaches said...

Hi there,
Just read the problem and could not stop myself from commenting. When it comes to issues of marriage - the best advise is to wait. You are obviously in love and want to settle down so it follows that you would want to get married. Also coupled with the fact that you are getting on in age the feeling of urgency is much more emphasised. As every one has rightly pointed out prayer is the right approach. Does the phrase "watch and pray" mean anything to you? Well let me share a stroy with you although it is not mine to tell it happened to my sister so on some level I can tell.
About 2 yrs ago my sister approached my parents (who are yoruba and istekiri) saying that she wanted to marry her boyriend of the time who coincidentally happened to be Igbo. I wouldn't say my parents are tribalistic but they stand partisan to their belief that it is best to stick to your own kind. Probably because of the problems they encountered in their union.
Anyhow without vaccilating too much they said NO. And my sister was not happy about it - she clamied she had prayed and felt Gods release and was going to do it. Her boyfriend parents were late so his sister came to speak on his behalf my parents still did not want to know, the pastor tried, aunties, uncles all to no avail. She eventually decided to go ahead with it. As God will have it during the preparations the boy started to act up. Her circumstances changed and so preparations had to be halted - I believe this was God intervening to save her life.
To cut the story short she was forced to wait and that is the advise I have wait, wait, wait. If he is yours and that is Gods will for you life it will surely come to pass. Did I mention that my sister was 30 at the time and subconciously thought it was her last chance to tie the knot. Anyway i'll finish the story now - one day they had a serious argument and before she could say Jack Robinson! Her boyfriend had pounced on her and beaten her to a pulp. Well I guess you could say her eyes cleared and she finally say the light. Moral of the lesson parents know best - if they had not disagreed they would have married and it would have been in marriage she would have realised the real man.
Sometimes we dont really understand what obstacles signify. But with the time and the grace of god all truths would be exposed. My parents were apprehensive for reasons unrelated to the reality - they thought it was about ethnicity but it was far from that. All the same God used them to stop her. This is not to say that the devil does not contend our lessing but that if God wills it the devil cant stop you.
So sweetie take heart and wait on the Lord what would be would be. Delay is not denial...

Dammie said...

Hmmmmmmmmm @ Delay is not denial, Lovely quote Suzy!

I guess the best advice really is to WAIT!!! Time will tell.

Bella Naija said...

wow Suzie peaches..Thanks so much for sharing with us. There is a lot to be learned from your sister's experience. I know 'papa dont preach' is reading....so thanks for all the comments...everyone plese let us know what you think

Icy said...

Suzie biko open column.. That was a very good example/advice..

Abosede said...

I will say this and I believe it strongly!
My dear, you are 27 and I don't know how long you are willing to wait. You said it yourself it is not easy to find a man that wants to settle down. Your parents might mean well, but the world is constantly changing. It is not acceptable to discriminate against another human being because of their tribe or ethnicity. We are all God's children, and we should be respected equally.
Talk to your own parents, you are an adult and you can marry with or without their consent. I am sure they would like to be a part of their grandchildren's lives. If they can not put away their prejudices for your happiness, then you must make this decision yourself. Someone rightly pointed out, that you will have to live with ur husband all your life. Is it not better to live through life's ups and downs with a man you chose, not one your parents chose?

Know this, life is short. Your parents will pass on, and you will be left to handle the life that you have made for yourself. If you walk away from him, and regret it, that would be too sad because you and only you will carry that burden. Your parents will live their lives and you will be living yours.
Follow your heart, and remember his ethnicity is not his character. Marriage is a union of two not six hearts. As long as you feel secure in him, your love will overcome all things even your parents.

Goodluck and remember to live Your life.

Abosede said...

I also thought I'd add some advice to what I just said. Keep ur eyes open, be smart but be in control
The thing is when people start making your decisions, you compromise your integrity and happiness.
Please remember that.

Anonymous said...

if the only grounds my parents have made their decision on is ethnicity, then i'm sorry... but thats just not good enough. Its not biblical, and they are not the ones who will live with him etc. However, my parents opinion DO matter, so I would probably take Suzy's advice and wait a little longer.... With prayer, you might be able to get them to accept it..

-Belle

PS not sure why i'm having problems posting under my name?

Dammie said...

WoW, Suzy and Abosede have very good strong points....but i think the neutral line here and advice you should heed is Pray and Wait!

LoL, Bella....This is a record!!...Posted 3times in one day!!

XxKizzesxX

ABBEY said...

I guess I am a stubborn person, but I think you should let your parents understand that the world is changing and their ideas are fast dying out. If you are sure you are ready for whatever consequences come from marrying someone from another tribe, eg, his family dissing you in your face in their language without you having a clue, then go ahead.

Your parents aren't going to be the one living with him in the end. As per suzie's post telling you to wait, that might be a good idea for now and see how God works things out.

If it was a religious difference I will not support it but if it is just tribe I think parents are just trying to bring their own ethnocentricity into your life. Even if you were both Yoruba, they will want someone from the specific local government area they are from and no one else, they're impossible to satisfy.

All the best

Anonymous said...

@ Suzie- I am glad for peolpe like you.
Marriage is not easy!!!!! You do not want to walk into a marriage without God's approval. Girl WAIT ON GOD

TaureanMinx said...

Okay did I miss something..Which blog is taking up everyones time??? Girl if you feel he is right for you, pray on it. Suzis sister didn't get beaten up cos her bf was IGBO!!! She just put up with his character and made excuses cos no one just becomes violent all of a sudden. So please dont judge ppl on based on their tribe but each as an individual.

Aramide said...

ah taurean u have roasted...how's sweden?

Parazone Super Bleach said...

As I read your dilemma, I wondered what other reason your parents gave for not wanting to marry him. Did they see something that you didn't? Was your dating clandestine? More importantly can you bear to lose this guy? Is he really the light? Girl Marriage, aint no cake walk!Your parents have lived now it is your turn to do so, logically. You will also have to pray and think with your head and not your heart on this one....As I don't know the inside story this is the best I have to offer...Chin up and be brave!

Anonymous said...

My dear, the truth of this issue is that yes Suzy's sis did not get beaten up becos her bf was ibo. But the truth of the matter is that it is important to start a marriage with no strife. No matter how senseless the reaso parents give for not consenting it is important to wait and get that approval. First of all as a woman, no matter how westernized we have become, we still have that naija mentality, ur bf's family will always know that you married on ur own without any family backing and this can cause problems for you later in ur marriage.
If you are sure that this is the man for you, like most people have said keep praying and trusting God to turn things around. You guys should go home so ur parents can meet him and evaluate the man not his tribe. Maybe geting more familiar with him might soten their hearts. But you also be careful and make sure ur decisions are based on true feelings and not just beacuse you feel it's time to get married. I pray that God will help you make the right decision