Wednesday, June 06, 2007

AUNTY BELLA - MS. FADING SELF-ESTEEM

I know Aunty Bella is usually up on Thurdays but I felt the need to put this up ASAP as I had initially promised to put it up last week. I feel her pain as we all have insecurities especially we, Young Women. I hope she can overcome this and move on. Please offer her some advice.
___________________________________________________________________
Hi Bella,

I'm a single (and yes, I’m searching) 25-year-old lady. I've always loved my body, and thanked God whenever a compliment is passed to me; I’m on the fair side and quite voluptuous.

I can’t really place blame on anything, but ever since I broke up with boyfriend last year, I noticed I’ve gained quite a lot of weight, say 20 pounds (I'm presently weighing in at 192lbs) and I’m really working hard at loosing it, only that it's been so so difficult for me to loose. In addition to the weight, three months ago, I noticed some stretch marks on my arms, and it's becoming more and more obvious.
It's almost summertime now, and I can't even wear either short sleeves, or sleeveless dresses. Imagine, wearing dresses or tops that would be long-sleeved all through the summer? It is killing me and because of my insecurities, I have been declining to go out with friends and family members. I've had four wedding invitations and 6 graduation parties this month, and I haven’t been able to go to any except one, because it was chilly that day, which accounted for me wearing an elbow length sleeved gown. I know, it sounds crazy but that’s how bad it's affecting me.

Bella, the truth is that I’m loosing my self-esteem! I feel my weight may have been putting off guys. Also, I am afraid that even if I start dating again and this new guy sees my stretch marks, How will he react? I don't know what to do, I’ve prayed to God and it seems like the stretch marks are even more obvious on my right arm now. Please, I need help and advice. I have tried several remedies and they don’t seem to work, I'm on a diet now and trying to work out as much as I can. But I would appreciate if you would post out this message and ask for anything I can do. To all the readers please I’m so desperate as in, it's affecting my psyche and like I said my self-esteem is slowly crumbling down. I NEED HELP. Thank u.

Ms. Fading Self-Esteem

~ Personally, I think this is deeper than the stretch mark issue. Perhaps it’s the weight gain but I think Ms. Fading Self Esteem might be carrying some baggage from her previous relationship. Please offer her some advice.

So Ms. Fading sent in an update but it’s quite long so I summarized it, if you want to read the full update, email me - bellanaija@gmail.com
UPDATE SUMMARY:
She and her bf broke up because he said they were both AS, but he knew that in the past and had promised that despite them both being AS he would stay.
She has never been a skinny girl and is not trying to become skinny
She is 5’7
The stretch marks is her major physical issue
Most of her friends are in Nigeria while she is in the US, so she feels isolated
Her closest friend in the US just got married so she has to give her space
Has already lost 3.5lbs and is working on losing more (it’s a start)
Thanks for the advice and she’s glad people kept it real and not as a ‘pity party’

49 comments:

Kpakpando said...

first... I hate moderation

Shewun said...

Second - yes! I'll be back...

Anonymous said...

When a person gets those marks, it is almost impossible to lose them. I will say, focus more on losing the weight because the marks are not going to leave. Once the skin is stretched, the epidermis is stretched causing a deep scarring. Even skinny people have these marks and people who gain muscle mass beyond their skin magnitude. You can use fading creams but this is just chemical litening and eventually makes the marks darker after a while. Good luck on more answers that come your way.

Kpakpando said...

Ms. Fading, you just described a depressed person. Fluctuating weight, unwillingness to socialize, feeling down, these are all symptoms of depression and I hope you come out of it, because it can be debilitating. As far as stretch marks, many people have them, skinny people, fatty bom boms, even men have stretch marks, it's sometimes a part of growing, so please know that you're not the only one with them, try not to let it keep you down.

I doubt that most people who will come across you will notice your stretch marks first, are you not more than your skin? If you meet a new man and he harps on your stretch marks, walahi he better be Adonis himself. As far as your weight putting off guys, I doubt it. It might be the fact that your confidence is not there, or hell you're in seclusion so they can't even see you to be put on or off by you. I suggest you keep on track with your exercise regimen and surround yourself around good/true friends and family who can bring your spirits up in general.

Anonymous said...

Nwanne... I'm about ur age and dare I say dat I luv a sista with some 'junk in the trunk' in a manner of speaking...lol just chill!
I bet u some dude out there dey die to ask u out... Just stay healthy babe... Peace

Smoothvibes said...

Hmm.. Ms Fading self esteem. I feel your pain and I understand wat you mean by struggling to loose them pounds.

But first things first... I think You should know that, you need to love yourself for who you are. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. Fat or not fat.

No guy will like a woman who is insecure about herself.

That being said, you need to go out more. You need not let the weight bother you. Enjoy your body, take care of yourself... and of course keep eating healthy. Before you know it they'll come rolling off. You just stay focused.

A friend also once said, a guy should like you for who you are... I'm sure there's one out there who will see you as the most beautiful person he ever set eyes on.

All the best ...

Anonymous said...

pls my sista , i beg u in the name of God if u are acting like this what do u expect me a 215lb sista to do, pls its all in the mind, i have strech marks on my arms but do i send , trust me if not u even mentioned it 2day i would have even forgotten i had them , gal no matter what ure weigh is, skinny or big boned as i choose ta call it, its all about the person inside , i am not sayin you should be obese but you have got to luv that little gal inside. another thing is pls drop the baggage from the old relationship cos i have a feelin the guy used ta put u down and that has kinda affected you, my advise nuture that little gal inside cos even if u shed the weight and find somethin to clear the strech mark u will still find somethin wrong with u. i am a size 16 and people i am so proud of it , its all about carriage and poise ok darling. ( being confident in ur self).

Thoughts said...

Maybe a lil' baggage from her past relationship.But this is all about her weight gain, that in itself is a depressing thought.192 pounds is a helluva lot of pounds to weigh.
And that in turn is what brings about depression and unwillingless to socialise.
Get into a good gym and be committed- stay with the program, even when u feel like not, be disciplined and still go.By the time u drop some pounds and ur clothes fit u more, the former and perhaps even better personality would come because of the weight change.You just have to get up and do it, don't sit on ur tail and whine.Self-pity never took anybody no where.If you'd like encouragement or someone to talk you thru, just let me know.But you've got to take that first step!

Thoughts said...

@ first anon, what kind of comments are those?You like a"sister with junk in her trunk", like you'd have one for keeps.Tell her the truth.
@2nd anon, that u've come to terms with ur weight, doesn't mean u would't do anything to change it if you could.It just simply means that u have given up trying, maybe.
@Smoothvibes,the physical is what first attracts before the inner, as much as we may deny it.So if she's not confident with her weight gain to the point that it's crippling her social life, wouldn't u advice her to loose the excess weight.It's not gonna be easy, granted but it's worth a shot.Let her try.

mochafella said...

Err, dating or stretch marks are the least of your issues. 192lbs is unhealthy except you are 6'2" and taller. Your body is not superhuman. Stay on your diet, change your eating habits and keep working out. If you aren't healthy you are in no condition to date or worry about stretch marks.

Anonymous said...

Hello,
You sound like a pretty smart person, but i understand that sometimes, in today's society, it is very hard to keep on the track of loving yourself. However, i will have to agree with the others and say i think you are carrying the scars from your last relationship. You have to reach a point when you say to yourself, it didn't work out, but i'm going to find the one for me, and move on. Your stretchmarks and weight will always bug you, whether you are over 190 or 120lbs, its what the society does to you. Once you keep yourself in shape and have the attitude of confidence, you will definately attract men like flies. Like the previous comments said, hang out with true friends and family, enjoy yourself and be happy to be alive and well, bcos God definitely has a man he made just for you dear!

Anonymous said...

@ Thoughts, Baby I'll have a fat woman for keeps if she makes me happy 4 sure...
evryone has got baggages, I don't care how rich or beautiful they are, we all got baggages and i'd much rather be with sumone whose baggages are physical as opposed to spiritual... I hope say i dey make sense...
and i don notice say bigger women are usually a lot nicer than skinny babes...lol (not a fact, just an observation)

Kpakpando said...

nekwa... thoughts biko how do you know he truly doesn't like girls with "junk in their trunk" has it occurred to you that perhaps some men just like bigger women? or just like 2nd anon who is comfortable in her size 16 skin, might be just fine with being a size 16 and not be yearning or killing herself to be smaller?

mochafella, 192lbs doesn't automatically equals unhealthy... neither does 130lbs = healthy. Besides I'm sure you can't even tell what 192lbs looks like.


sometimes the dust yarned by folks make me laugh.

tatafo! said...

On the weight issue, do a google search for calculating your BMI depending on your height and weight you may actually be healthy.
Commit 20 mins of your day each day to losing weight, alternate between jogging outdoors, kickboxing and FIT t.v has great workout sessions if you get it on your cable. And just good old going to the gym.

But honestly, commit to waking up 15 mins earlier and doing a little stretching/workout routine. And when you return from work commit to 15 minutes of excersise-like I said earlier jogging, kickboxing etc.

On the stretch marks, you don't have to wear spaghetti strap dresses and co that may cause you to feel like you are revealing your stretch marks. If you want to look stylish for the summer, invest in a shirt dress and a jersey dress. Wear summer skirts with short sleeve tops.

Accessorize so that attention is taken away from places you don't want it going to. There are so many options out there. check out stealstyle.blogspot.com and pinkmascara.com for some style inspirations. You don't have to overexposed to be summer stylish.

Check out www.donotgiveup.net and sign up for inspirational emails. There was a time in my life when I was going through low self-esteem and depression and surrounding myself with positive quotes helped lift me out of the depression. Everytime I came across an inspiring/affirming quote, I wrote it on a post it and I had post it plastered on my car's steering wheel, my bathroom mirror, my workspace. Also there is power in the Word, so open up your Bible my sister, don't leave it for only Sunday mornings.

And please please my sister, always remember, no one else but you is responsible for your happiness.

mochafella said...

@kpakpa: true it doesn't, hence the qualification of her height. Its a translation of BMI, being overweight/obese is not the best thing for your arteries. And yes I do know what 192lbs looks like.

misstimi said...

I kinda agree with bella...maybi there are other issues that have led to these sudden self esteem and weight issues....i suggest that you look within and find the root of the problem otherwise no amount of dieting, fade creaming or dating will fix the problem.
Best of luck!

Onyinye said...

Bella, I will like to apologize in advance for this long post.

hello Ms. Fading, like someone said above and from your description, it is safe to conclude that you are in a depression. Now with that said, the next and probably the biggest step for you is to figure out what is responsible for this depression and tackle it. The reason why it is imperative that you figure this out is because

(1) to solve a problem, you need to know the source so that you will know how to appropriately deal with it(so find out what is responsible for your depression, this is the KEY)

(2)without knowing why you are depressed (your primary state) you are going to be stressing and worrying about your secondary state (the symptoms of the depression) ex. the weight gain issue and truthfully there isn't much you can do about the weight until the depression is resolved (this seems to be the case right now, since you've been trying to loose the weight to no avail). b/c even if you do lose some wt, you'll gain right back since the main problem, depression, is not yet resolved.

(3)the depression can and will keep you from performing at your highest potential in other aspects of your life because it messes with your self-esteem and self efficacy (believe me I know, I have been there). In the case of you trying to lose weight, it will have you sitting in front of the TV eating all the uneatable when you know you need to be in the Gym.

So basically the depression is the king and queen of all these other problems you are having. fix it and you are good to go.

If you ask me I'm gonna have to say that this has to do with your ex-boyfriend (this is just a guess, i could be wrong). So that breakup (and maybe in conjuction with other things) could have triggered this depression. Now what you need to do is to sit down and figure out why the breakup affected you so much (be honest with your self) and find a way to deal with it. you can try simply talking about it (talking helps a lot) with a confidant or a psychologist (not psychaitrist, unless you are looking for medication). A good Psychologist knows how to get you to talk about things and help you solve some of this problems without doping you up. And when the whole depression thing is figured out, and you start felling better about yourself, you won't even have to remind yourself to go to the gym. or better yet the whole emotional eating thing will be gone and you will be back to your original size. Oh and about the stretch marks, girl don't even stress about it, if you have good skin integrity, when you lose weight alot of it will shrink. if not your demermologist can give you something for it.

So my sister, biko find out what is it that changed you from the confident, happy, beautiful, social you to this new person whom to my understanding you don't like very much. Find out, take care of it and stop letting it cripple your life socially and otherwise.

PS: you DO NOT have to accept your 192lb self. Since you don't like it fix it, but know how to fix it. You have to be active about it, set specific goals. I wish you the best of Luck my sister.

Waffarian said...

Okay, my dear, I am going to give you some "temporary" and "permanent" remedies. First, the permanent: My dear, being overweight is not the end of the world, it is a bit overwhelming right now, because summer is fast approaching and you suddenly realize how much you are missing out on. Its okay, its okay to feel sad sometimes, but you also have to do something about it. Try and start working out everyday, it is going to take time but it will work. Avoid carbs, stick to vegetables and fish, remove all sodas, sugar, etc. Start today. When you start feeling better again, I promise you the stretch marks will not look like such a problem anymore. Just try, and talk to someone about your problems, don't bottle it all up. It will be okay.

Now to the temporary, have you tried "palmers"? They have a cream for stretch marks and while it does not take it away, it does reduce the appearance. Try it. Also, you can buy a good foundation, and try and cover it up a bit if it is really disturbing you. Since you are fair, you can try a "gradual tan" cream (nivea, dove, it just makes you a bit browner without the sun) the stretch marks will not be so visible.

I really wish you well, I know you will feel better once you start doing something about your weight. Good luck!

Ehi said...

i understand that you are feeling a little depressed about ur situation, but you are the only one who can solve ur problem.

Join a gym, eat healthy foods, in time, you will start to feel better about urself.

Everyone Loves a Naija Girl said...

First thing you need to do is learn to love yourself. You said that you always loved your body, and like Bella said, it's less about the weight and more about the end of your last relationship. Whatever happened in that relationship or how it ended, you shouldn't let that become your defining point. You shouldn't need to have a romantic relationship to feel good about yourself.

Make a list of things that you like about yourself. Personality qualities, or physical traits. And focus on that and when you look in the mirror, don't always pick on the negative aspects of yourself, but look at the good. Maybe you have a great smile, nice eyes...something.

As far as the weight. You should learn to eat more balanced and healthy foods. Think back to how you ate, and how you exercised before you put on all of that weight and try to change back. Maybe you've become more sedentary...then try to go for walks more. If you can walk somewhere instead of driving, then do that. Walk up the stairs instead of going up the elevator or escalator. Start lifting weights or just do some muscle building exercises because muscle burns a lot (I believe around 30) more calories per pound than fat. Change your eating habits. Don't always eat large quantities of food at one time, and try to limit snacking as well. If you can, try to eat more food that you have cooked yourself rather than eating out. But if you do eat out, watch what you eat and make sure it's not too high in fat (things like fried foods, sweets, breads) should be eaten in moderation. If you really want something, then have it, but just remember to take a little and not a lot. Don't ever get to the point where you are starving before you decide to eat. First...starving is not a good method to loosing weight, because when you do eat, you will end up eating a lot more food than you need (and your body also goes into starvation mode at that time, so you start burning muscle and retaining fat). And don't eat less than 3 hours before going to bed...you'll end up storing the food as fat.

Stretch marks, I really don't know what gets rid of them. I have a few myself. I have heard though, that if they are new, you should scrub the area daily with a loofah (or some similar item) and then afterwards rub cocoa butter or shea butter on it. If can be the lotion or Palmers is good for that. Supposedly makes them disappear or at least less apparent. Another thing is to wear sunscreen (you might ask why...I'm black, I don't need it). Truth is, everybody needs sunscreen. If you can keep the area around your stretch marks form tanning too much, then you can control how noticeable your stretch marks are by lessening the contrast in skin colors. Hope it works for you.

***But please do not think that losing weight and getting rid of the stretch marks will be the magic cure all for your self esteem. Because you can get rid of the symptoms, but you may not have gotten rid of the underlying problem.

******One last thing, one way to grow confidence quickly...is to just fake it! Seriously. If you act confident (don't walk with your head down, always looking forward...and don't shy away from looking at people in the street, you can think about something else if you want...just no heads down).

And in terms of the clothing, you should wear what will make you feel good. Don't feel like you have to wear certain things to hide stretch marks on your arms. I have seen other people with far worse problems, but they don't feel the need to hide things on their body like that. If you don't make it into a big deal, then nobody else will. And besides...stretch marks aren't really BLATANTLY noticeable.

AbujaBabe said...

Dear Ms Fading Self Esteem,

My dear take heart believe it or not all though it may feel like it right NOW! But it is not the end of the world... You may say "you can talk, it aint that easy you know" I Know!

My dear lets address the issues!
You have just come out of a relationship and you feel you have added a few pounds you have also discovered stretch marks, your currently feeling shitty about your body coupled with the unwillingness to socialise..

Babes please dont let this get to you. I dont want to sound unsympathetic oh! I have been there everyone has some confidence/ isecurity issues at one point in there life!..

If you dont love your self who is going to love you. you still may say " aint so easy" but the reality is that it IS!..
YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU FOR OTHERS TO LOVE YOU!!!..

I know how you feel you may not want to accept your bigger you but you have to work with it for now!
I'm a big girl and trust me ! you can wear sleveless dresses, tops, shirts vest. without looking any how but fabulous TRUST ME!!! you got to work with you babes you dont have to rock what the skinny bitches are ;) ( i love ya'll really :) ) but get whats in fashion and in stlye and looks classy and looks good on you boo!! trust me it will make you feel good. Go get your hair done your nails if thats your thing take care of you skin an gwaaan!! Trust me you'll feel better look at the good parts about you and there must be some cos everyone has got good bits , features and body parts that others desire and you dont even know!!

Dont let your self wallow in self pity and these insecurites cos it gets deeper and harder to come out of!
Your on the right track you realise you have some isues girl DEAL WITH THEM!! I dont want to sound harsh in anyway i want you to read this and feel motivated go and feel like the world is yours and you can do this!

Now althogh i said work with it and accept you , it will help but by no means if you want to loose this weight to feel even more better as an added extra to make you feel on top of the world, BOO!! do the damn thing have courage and do it try and loose the weight, i aint ven gonna trip and go on like say it's easy cos it aint but babes you got to do this.. FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE!!

Look my sister i have been your weight before and i am now down to 16lbs and still dropping the weight! I have a mental note of how i want to look on my wedding day and i am GONNA LOOK LIKE THAT TRUUST ME!!!!

As for not socialising! girl forget that hiding away rubbish you have to go out how else you wan find da man huh! na wow for you sef..lol:)

You got to go out there and mingle B, when i broke up with my ex of 5yrs i was reluctant to go out at first still had some ex relationship fat,GIIIRL!! the day i took the plunge that was it i was on FIYA!!
I discovered a new me and men discovered me too!!
Girl please dont let this ISH knock you take it from me! take all this advice given here today and make steps towards,embracing.accepting. lovig just being you B!

If the stretch marks are really disturbing you! TRUTH!! there is no quick fix! i am a regular user of Plamer Cocoa butter the lotion, it does not in no way work over night but constat use you will definitly see a difference and thats for sure!

Excuse the long post, i hope i have touched you in some way only you can make it happen!!

So make it happen B!

Bee said...

My sister, try the master cleanse diet, it worked for me and my friends, you can google it. it's kind of hard, but it's commitment, commitment, commitment. and once you are done with the diet, try to join a fitness club and invest in a personal trainer if you can, bally has a good program; and try to eat healthy, preferably 5 small meals a day compare to big meals. goodluck.

Bee said...

something you can use for the stretch marks is pure cocoa butter, you can get it from those jamaican store and trust me, the smell is not that great, try using a body spray after using and it does work, i used it after i had my baby (so think of those stubborn pregnancy stretch marks) and it's barely visible now. you can also try strivectin (i don't know if that's the right spelling) but someone told me it does work but it's a bit expensive. try snacking on fruits instead of candy, drink lots of water, and try making your own smoohtie from the scratch with low fat yogurt.
about the depression, mental health is a taboo to our people, but see your doctor, zoloft or any other anti-depressant won't kill you but make you feel better.
been there, done that.
good luck, and much love.

catwalq said...

Decide what you want to look like...for yourself and yourself alone

Cut out sodas and replace with water. it helps to regulate your system and to clear your skin

Walk if the distance anywhere is walkable. If u are embarassed to go out, walk about your compound.

Eat portions that sate your hunger and not ones that empty the pot.

Or you can do what I do: buy a dress two sizes smaller and work your but off till you fit into it properly

Oh and pray too. With God, all things are possible. Also, it helps to build a strength in yourself.

Flygurle said...

WOW!! i must say this sounded like me about a year and a half ago.. was dating, got comfortable and added mad weight... then my boyfriend of 5 yrs dumped me and i thot i was gonna die. I was fat and my self-esteem was at an all time low... didn't wanna go out, meet pple.. nothing.. just wanted to disapper.

But this year(yes it took a whole year to realize that life does go on)i decided to get a hold of my self. I hit the gym big time and i started watching what i ate seriously.

(Now i did the slim fast diet, i've heard a lot about it, good and bad but it has worked 4 me so far, i am not suggesting it, just find a diet that works 4 u).

My friend's wedding was 2wknds ago and i was her maid of honor.. and boy was i looking hella foine if i may say so myelf.

My point to u is, u gotta love urself. If something bothers u, and u have the power to change it then do so.. cos my dear pity parties don't last 4ever.

Take control now... and when the guy comes, he would love u regardless, stretch marks or no stretch marks.. i have it too and i use palmers and call it a day.. i don't even let it bother me.

If you don't love u, no one else will. My confidence is at an all time high now.. and no i am not dating but i do know that when i get back into dating,my man will be a compliment and not a supplement for any insecurities.

You have the power on the inside of u, u just gotta tap into it and u will start seeing the changes but u have to be determined to make the change ist

All the best!!!

funod said...

First of all!!!! Leave the stretch mark alone. They never go. They fade but dont totally disappear. Try palmers stretch mark cream. It will at least prevent more from coming and it is inexpensive.
You are a pretty girl i am sure. Look in reality you are only as pretty as you think you are. So get your phsyke right. My bf lately made a comment bout my mark and he wont make it again. Learn to love it we all have it. Models are airbrushed to remove theirs

Adaure said...

Where are your GURLS!!! This is when you need the company of your girlfriends (preferably single girlfriends) A good positive (even shallow) circle will help you through this one. I doubt it is really the weight because there are many big girls out there who exude so much admirable confidence. They never let their size weigh them down and neither should you (look at Teiko in the post below...what man will say no to her). The first solution to your problems is SELF-LOVE and FEELING BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT(Lose the weight because you want to be healthy or fit into a hot pair of jeans....not because of MAN. I say that because when the man's gone the JEANS will still be there) Get some positive vibes around you to spark some flames up. That's my 2 pounds, hope it helps. GOODLUCK!!

LondonBuki said...

You sound like a very normal woman. I will freak out too if I put on 20 pounds if I've always been smaller.

It's frustrating when you can't get the annoying weight off, I can relate to that. (I was once more than 40 pounds overweight)

Some people have given good advise - if it's not something you're happy with, ofcourse you'll want to get the weight off.

There are so many ways to lose weight but the best is this(sure you've heard a million times) - good eating habits and exercise. You have to re-learn how to eat right, when to treat yourself and when to hold back. You also have to find an exercise routine that will suit you.
You could join a diet and/or exercise group or forum - It's really motivating to have people with similar goals to compare your progress with and to give and recieve advise.

I've read what everyone has said but it's hard to love your body if you don't like how it looks.

Stretch marks - I have them and I have accepted them but I read what Waffarian said - maybe you should try them out? Maybe I will too :-)

Ok, I have written an epistle here... I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us updated ok? :-)

Fulani- UNINHIBITED AND UNCENSORED said...

oh my dont worry girl!! but yes i am well aware how annoying those things are.my mother used to burn alm oil until it went hite and then give it to me to oil my skin. to be honest it did work but the idea of me walking around smelling of chicken grease haunts me. Listen, im sure the guys wnt even notice a little stretch mark and if they do who cares. the weight issue also.thats killin me too.. thanks for challenging that issue everyone i know at the moment is so 'content' with their weight.......i seem to be the only one who wants to lose weigh!

yankeenaijachick said...

Storie is sad and the sad face is that a lot of women are going through this. Eh yah!!! Sign up at a gym, not too late to work out. Sometimes, it's u that perceives yourself as fat, stretch mark. You gotta be like Ticara in Topmodel and flaunt what you got. Stay blessed.

Anonymous said...

Kpakpie... you try today...... no wahala i'll be on your tail ....'NEW GUY'is still here...

ok i have been reading the lines and comments about MS ading self esteem... so now am going to speak from a guys point of view....

first if you DONT feelgood with your size/weight then i surgest u take the hardest but most worthwhile route.... excercise..! it works.... but please i beg you dont do it cos of MAN or because u are looking for man.... truth is if you do and u become all slim and hot you'd feel worse if you get a man that cheats on you with a big chick that was the size you came down from.....

its always funny how women complain about stuff that guys dont bother with(stretch marks) girlfriend if your man wants to touch your ..... he wont change his mind because it has stretch marks... girl... i know what i speak..... my advice is that first you ask your self what YOU want and will be connfortable with... then chase for it.... men will be attracted to many things but a woman that shows confidence , ability to try and a character of a virtuous woman.. they will love.... and thats all ya need.

in conclussion you need people that know how to make you laugh around you, well unfortunately i cant reveal my identity here only to bella....... have a lovely day.....

'NEW GUY'.

Anonymous said...

My dear, you need to focus on your inner self and find you .It seem to me that you have lost yourself .And there is no better way to do that than by having a personal relationship with God. That is what I think you are missing once you find that all other things like self esteem and weight will be added on to you.True beauty lies within not out . Please get to know God and you will see the results There is nothing impossible for him to do.

Uzo said...

This hit so so close to home for me. I agree with Bella because these self esteem issues go a lot deeper than outward experiences. The seeming physical imperfections just provide a distraction - something to blame to avoid getting to heart of whatever the real issue is.

Weight loss tips are all well and good but seeing as that's not the main issue, i doubt that will help. I am also willing to bet that this young lady knows everything there is to know about losing weight.

I am sure some people dont realise that your state of mind can affect weight loss as well....

I really wish her well as i battle these issues everyday. I have good days and bad days. But the ultimate good i have done for myself is to focus on looking good and appreciating me. The moment i did that, my confidence levels increased and i was getting so much attention - male and female. I ooze sass and people are attracted to that. There are of course the men that have a type but here's the thing, just by being me i have gotten comments like "we could be good together but ur not my type" and i respect that.

I realise that my battle with weight will be a lifelong thing so i wont allow that be the end of life as i know it.

Its hard and as much as i appreciate this post Bella, this is such a heavy issue that will require a complete overhaul of her thinking and trying to figure out what the real issue is....

~Mimi~ said...

as people have said, babe it goes much deeper than the stretch marks..if those get cleared away and you lose your weight, then your focus might change to something else like your complexion or the way your buttocks look or something silly like that...
you need to deal with the you that is inside and telling you the lies that you're not already fabulous. I dont know how tall you are but if your weight is unhealthy, you might wanna do something about that. Work on loving you!!BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER LIKE U!
p.s for the stretch marks try Bio-Oil,it works..but more importantly,work on your inner-self hun!

Anonymous said...

i am in my late 20's...
i used to have high self esteem, until i met a man who broke me down. he got me good.
of course, that makes me wonder if my self esteem was ever there to begin with.
weight gain is something that can be remedied. join a gym, and commit to healthy eating and the weight will fall off.
its the thoughts of inadequacy that constantly plague the mind that are harder to rectify. those stay much longer after the weight has fallen off.
i have no advice for you... since i am still trying to build myself back up. i'm even considering seeing a therapist.
Good luck!

Anonymous said...

@Thoughts
"@2nd anon, that u've come to terms with ur weight, doesn't mean u would't do anything to change it if you could.It just simply means that u have given up trying, maybe."

pls since when did it become a sin to be a thick/ big boned sista, must every one be skinny? pls some peeps should know that everyone is not meant to be skinny / not everyone is born skinny and that there is nothing to come to terms with about it. I love my self and my body and pls i ain't sorry if i offend anyone in sayin i am so so not trying to change it, it's a matter of preference .
she has self esteem issues darling , the weight is just the tip of the iceberg, and as for the anon who says he loves a woman with junk in her trunk ride on darling.

Nigerican said...

3 words- stretch Mark cream, seriously it helps luv.Next i just wanna say no one can luv u, until u luv and apperciate u dear. So get active, dress up and get out there because it's time for u to bring sexy back ( it's 2007 there is no room for depression).

Anonymous said...

This blog is the pits.. Oh did you take off moderation? Still, BOOOO!
Brought it on yourself

My 2 cents said...

Nice post as always. I think your girl should accept herself regardless. I know people who will take a big girl over a lepa anyday..

Anonymous said...

hey girl, it is all in your mind, no not the stretch marks, those are real but your attitude towards them is all in your mind cos trust me when i say they do not determine who you are as a person, and it seems to me you are comparing yourself to the magazines/tv type of beauty, those r airbrushed to look 'perfect' embrace your flaws whatever they may be, go out there and enjoy socializing.

koshie said...

Anonymous 9:49pm, can i ask what you've done to inspire or make people around you happy? jealousy is what is killing us. restructure ur thoughts.

FSE, id say you should jogg outside as opposed to the gym. you tend to cover more distance as well as burned more calories.

Ama Shorty said...

You have to love yourself first...otherwise any other thing would not work...feel good or look good?which is more important to you?...you need to pull urself out of this depression, i tink its just a reaction to ur last breakup..ur not eatin bcoz u love food, u r eating becoz u r depressed...close friends and family is wat u shd surround urself with..goodluck

NappyHeadedMo said...

Put down the pork chop, stop your whining and get on that tread mill. Its a tough world..people judge each other by appearance all the time (as much as we hate to admit it, its true). If you feel bad because of how you look then do your best to change it since this is something that YOU have control over. In the words of Nike "Just Do It".

Abi said...

Wow!! I think most people have hit the nail on the head already....that Ms FDE needs to love herself 1st...just read the update abt the stretch marks being her major physical issue....emm they r bound to come one day...u plan on havin kids eventually don't u? plus as New Guy said before, guys don't focus on such anyways. I too used to be really insecure about my stretch marks and also a particular part of my body for years....I eventually just had to ask the lad and the way he reacted to me made me feel so silly..he had never even noticed my so-called flaws....so dear the one who loves u will love u totally..also abt ur weight, exercise it really works plus what r u eating?? change ur diet....but most importantly u need to work on ursef dear if not even when u lose the weight u still won't b happy...rem. one of the previous aunty bella cases who thot a boob job will improve her esteem?? well, she got it and well, in case u ddn't read her story, she's still depressed....so girl pls love YOU..all the best :o)

t04051 said...

Has anyone suggested Stri-vectin for stretch marks? It is expensive but it works! Go to sephora.com for more info. Also switch your daily moisturizer to cocoa butter. Focus on losing the weight steadily and remember you have to work on your insecutrities from the inside out!
Good luck

vivi said...

Best way to beat the dip in self esteem:
Fancy up with ViVi Cosmetics International, get dressed, get out for a chat or a dance.
my motto is - when you look good you feel good.

Did you know that - ViVi Cosmetics International - has been voted the best FOUNDATION for the Afro Cosmpolitan skin: Natural,last all day, covers most facial imperfection, non transfer.

Anonymous said...

Tips On Getting Rid of Stretch Marks

1. Use Strivectin. Its $135, but you can probably get it cheaper online. It fades old and new stretch marks.
2. Exfoliate. Use St. Ives Apricot scrub daily or as much as your skin can tolerate. Concentrate on the stretch marks.
3. Moisturize with an intense hydrating cream. Try grade A shea butter.

Tips for WeightLoss

1. Weight Watchers...I dropped 40 pounds on this program. Do the points system. Its realistic.
2. Drink water. Add those flavorings from Crystal Light if you have a hard time drinking water.
3. Workout. Do the Shape Bikini Bootcamp videos. They are about $14 at Target and only 30 minutes long per workout.

Good Luck. Luv yourself, but I know that one's appearance can affect their self esteem. So do those things that will improve your appearance.

Angela said...

Ms. Fading. Learn to love yourself with or without a man. Now i am not saying love yourself by inducing a cholestrol attack on yourself. Nah! My point is if u want to be fat, be fat because you want to and not becuase you think some guy will like you that way. I am a size 4 babe (yeah and i mean babe in every sense of the word) but i am still single. I know a lot of apati friends who are married too. If the right one (a serious guy i mean) finds you and is ready, your strech marks will be the least of his problems. Embrace your self and of course try and eat right for health purposes.

Anonymous said...

When a lady is depressed she can never look happy,have a high self esteem, and I'm sure that ur stretch marks are not the issue the issue is u as a person, how you feel inside. How you feel inside will reflect how u feel outside. Ur depression or unhappiness prolly shows on your face and no one wants to be around a moody preson. Secondly you need to love yourself enuff to know that that weight you are carrying around can lead to heart attack, high cholesterol etc. Also you need to get closer to God talk to him if you have no one to talk to, dnt feel that your closest friend is ignoring you cause she got married( I'm not saying that you said that but i dnt want that thought to cross your mind) she has a life apart from you and you also need to get a new life of loving yourself no matter what, taking care of you. You need to heal and treat yourself better before others can ,