Thursday, April 19, 2007

AUNTY BELLA - MRS. TRAPPED

Hi Everyone,
Its been a while the last Aunty Bella so here is a new 'case'.
Please offer her some advice.
I really feel her pain.
Also, RIP to the victims at V-Tech. My heart goes out to their families.
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Aunty Bella,
I am a young married lady and I have a problem that I hope your audience can help me with. I attended a higher institution in the East and during one of my Christmas holidays in my hometown, I met my husband.
Any Igbo person will relate to the Xmas trips, all the guys from overseas arrive and during this time many people meet their future spouses. That was how I met my husband, he saw me at a cousin’s house and didn’t say much but the next day, my cousin told me that he had asked her all sorts of questions about me.
I saw him again at a wedding and we got talking and things blossomed from there.
He seemed gentle and intelligent, not like some of the other guys that arrive and think they are the best thing to land of earth.
Before he left, he made his intentions known to my parents and they approved. We kept in touch through email for some months. Immediately I finished my course, he started making plans for me to move over.
Bella, he couldn’t make it to our wedding but they did the marriage without him (his people were there and his picture was in his place). He sponsored the whole thing and kept calling and emailing as usual. After about a year, my visa was processed and I finally arrived.
I had heard some bad stories about women arriving and meeting a bad situation but I did not experience any of that, we have a nice house, he has a good job (engineer), responsible friends and every other thing a woman could want but Bella I am not happy at all.
From the very day I arrived, I realized that I do not love him and he does not love me. We do not kiss or hug each other, I just feel like I am a housegirl who sleeps with her oga. He does not abuse me but he talks down at me as though I am dumb. He has told me not to speak Igbo when I talk to my friends on the phone and that I need to refine my accent because I sound local. He said the way I dress is poor and took me shopping but all the things he picked were so old fashioned. When his friends come (his friends are all white), they do not talk to me, they just talk and laugh among themselves. These things hurt so much and I am losing so much faith in myself. We live in a town without many Africans so I do not have any friends here. I am about to start a course in nursing but so far I just stay at home from morning to night. I feel like going back Bella but I cant. I have told my mother and she has asked if he beats me, I said no. If he denies me food, I said no. So she said I should stop complaining, that many girls will kill to be in my shoes. I am ashamed to tell my friends because most of them were already jealous about my marriage to such a sought-after guy.
Please what should I do? Can I get him to change? Should I just escape back to Nigeria and face the taunts?

Mrs. Trapped

113 comments:

ada said...

yay... I am first

ada said...

ok... I dont know what to say...This is a sad situation.

Anonymous said...

hi,
i can understand how u feel and what i can advise u is that right now, you have entered this so u have to make the best of it.
1st step, make sure he gets to pay for your courses,all of them.
2nd step, make sure u read hard and pray had so he will be motivated to continue paying.
3rd step, make sue he processes you get your indefinite stay.
4th step, make sure you dont get a job till u finish all your exams and become a registered nurse.
5th step, make sure that he doesnt force u to work whil estudying , tell him you dont know how to do it, ask him if he wants u to fail?
6th step, make sure that you dont let him know that you are smart and that you know your rights when eventually you do.
7th step, you can never tell, after all these he could end up falling in love with you and vice versa......above all pray and i wish u all the best

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous>>>> wat an awful comment!!!!!!!!!!
Newaiz, from the start u should have known things were gonna go down the drain. He neva showed up for his wedding (dats REALLY strange to me tho). You rushed into dat marriage(considering the fact he was only in 9ja for a couple of months). You're already in d marriage, all I can say is talk about it with him. Set him straight and let him know that u'll be okay if you eva leave him, even if it means going back to 9ja. He's like ever other guy, the slightest chance of dominance they have they wanna use it to d max. He thinks you're depending on him and he believes he can do anything he wants. This is really sad but really if you're not happy in this wedding, pls don't lets deceive ourselves it won't work out until he changes his attitude of inferiority complex. If he doesn't, leave him and disregard what ur mom says 'cos its ur marriage and u're not happy.

BabaAlaye said...

I hate to say this but i do not feel any sympathy for Mrs.Trapped.

You cannot always have your Akara and eat it.I'm sure there's some young fine dude in Naija that loves her so much, and she's got feelings for. But of course "foreign Based Player" reported to camp, asked her hand in Marriage, and we know the rest of the Story.

We see this happen everyday Bella, and it's sad. Money should not control you.She was the envy of her friends but what happens after that? Is that the essense of marriage?

In the Estate where i live i see lot's of this Blinged, rich, trophy wives. Bored outta their minds, neglected for the most part until a social function beckons. Then it's "Oya, go wear cloth we dey go Obioma Chieftaincy and make sure you wear that Gold i bought you in New york."
And these women will open their mouths and say Dude doesn't show affection. Where is it gonna come from now? You didn't make the money together, didn't suffer together, no highs, no lows, no real connection, the guy just shows up and tells your mom "Mama i like your daughter"(Sounds like a badly written home video but it's so true). Wo, make i stop before i get into trouble.

Bella, sorry for taking so much space.

Modupe said...

You need to tryand get a mental picture of what he wants and needs in a wife, and try to be that. I don't think it should be so difficult to dispose of your naija accent and get his own etc. Just try to know what he admires in a woman and make yourself that way. The fact that he didn't lie to you at any point during your relationship means that he's a decent guy, who really wants to make this relationship work. He wants to be proud of you in any gathering and I don't think that's too much to ask.
It's just like having a bf in secondary school. Years after, he comes back to redeem hi pledge of marrying you.Prob is, he now has a PHD, while you stayed put with SSCE ( now this might not be a verygood example but you get my drift?). He's a decent guy, he keeps his word, but you don't move in the same crowd, intellectual circles etc. Unlike many men who wouldn't want you to measure up to them just so they can intimidate you, he wants you to blend into his circle. I think you should make efforts to do that otherwise you two would grow apart and that will crack the marriage. Give it a shot, and enlist his help; it may turn out to be fun..... all the best!

tatafo! said...

oh wow! this is so sad! What you need is friends! Maybe when you start your nursing program, things will get better for you and you can make some friends. Depending on what school you go to find an African Students Association and attend the meetings. I wish I knew where you lived, because I have friends just about everywhere.

Inuke Omotola Davis said...

I think Baabalaye hit the nail on the head jare. Mrs Trapped saw "an already cooked meal" and went for it immediately. She didnt even bother to find out what went into the "making of the meal".
So now she is complaining she does know her husband very well, igba, awo. "a servant sleeping with her master" You no no b4 that level pass level;.
Mrs trapped is very lucky that she is going for a nursing degree. It is not a ticket out of the marriage but a ticket to making herself better, more acceptable to her husband's social circle and perhaps more level ground with her husband.

Toni Payne said...

lol@ anonymous 1... sorry but that was kinda funny.

My advice is, do what makes you happy. Life is too short suffering because you care what other people will say or think. then again, you never know, you may grow to love him, maybe you should have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel, maybe he is not doing things to hurt you on purpose. Some men can be insensitive but with good intentions and you just have to speak up, and if he doesnt change then maybe you should follow your heart and most importantly pray..

didi said...

There may yet be light at the end of the tunnel.Do u even discuss ur concerns with him?U never know what could come out of a long discussion with oga.Maybe he wants u to be better but is doing it de wrong and childish way.Obviously he has a complex if he cant let u speak igbo with ur frinds but then maybe he wants ur english to be better.Its too late to start scolding u for de stupid way u entered marriage.Maybe making friends in nursing skl will help ease ur boredom.Prayer changes things my sister

Dimples said...

PRAY PRAY...And don't stop until u get an answer...i'd back let me call my friend that was in a similar situation...

E ya sorry o!!!

Evagorgeous said...

(MY BAD, I TYPE LIKE IM TEXTING) Hmnnn...i can relate to ur situation as my mums sister is having the same experience. Just keep in mind b4 u make any decision that all u need is BALANCE & INDEPENDENCE! these 2 wo words becos if u leave him and return to nigeria, it wont make any thing better.Ur family will make u look like crap, i swear!
Try to get into ur nursing program, be serious, live like u are an independent struggler and hope for the future(this will make u serious, i promise).One of my cousins asking for a visa help to the US said that "OUTSIDE THE SHORES OF NAIJA, IS AN OPPRTUNITY!WORTH HIS MASTERS DEGREE!"i donno if u b'liv.(LOL).
BUT TRUTHFULLY,study ur husband to see if he is a fashion concious person(LIke me..hmnnnnn).HE may want u to be able to mix with his "click", look nice, speak standard english and stuff.(im happy good food aint the problem this time wit a naija man).
Aunty BELLA, i hope when i marry, i dont come asking for help with my hubby not liking ma food!(LOL)Advice me now pls, im 20!

RJ said...

LOL, anonymous has listed all the steps u need to take...what more could u possibly ask for. I kind of see where he/she is coming from though, get that education (let him pay for it), then get a good paying job and split.
If its pity u are looking for, you sure as hell won’t get any from me. How long have u two been married? Didn't u realize before u got to the U.S. that u were not in love with him? Or was it the trip u were really after? Why does it always take one to be married for u to realize u don’t love the person, surely u must have known that before u exchanged vows with his picture.
Wish u the best though, normally when people have situations like this they already have a solution close by, so I reckon u do whatever it is that u think would be more beneficial to you and don’t care what the in laws would say ‘cos trust me they would have their opinions.

p.s. Hey bella, u think u can find the track "Nigerian girl" by seven and upload it? I just heard that song and me like ;-)

omo-obanta said...

top 20...let me go and read it now.

truth said...

Interesting. I wonder how long you've been married but you know you shd never marry a man you don't know well. However, I won't advice you to split cos you don't seem to have made enough effort at finding the root of the problem. If you split without identifying it you are definitely in for a re-run soon.
Verbally relay your feelings to him. Nothing beats clear-cut communication. Now don't expect him to deliver a sermon of "things I dislike about you". Discuss everything that bothers you.
Your man seems like a some-what ok guy, though impatient. I think he was hoping you'd adapt to the behaviorial differences etc faster.Best way to get this done, is interact with people;make friends in church or whichever social events you to go to. I hope you get into the nursing program soon cos that'l help you build some self-esteem, interpersonal skills and convey a sense of your independence to your man.
In all, changes in your positive changes in your outlook and intellect will lure him to pay you more attention.
Good luck ok.

Kpakpando said...

naija people wicked sha no be small...I feel bad for Ms. Trapped because she's not happy and everybody in life at least deserves that. It's a bit unfair to automatically assign the "greedy girl seeking readymade+visa" label to her aside from the distraction of less than ideal marriage, she sounds lonely and homesick.

My suggestion to the girl is to find herself. Thinking about school is the right track, maybe study soemthing you always wanted to do while you still can (before kids) not just nursing and start some sort of career. Maybe then he'll at least see you as a contemporary not some village ghel he went and carried to cook him fresh nsala every friday. In the course of futhering her education, she'll get to create her own social circle and find a place in this society. I can imagine how our people here look down on and ostracize her because of the way she came into the marriage (y'all don't front you know how your people are)

As far as marriage, as per I'm still single, the only advice I can give her is to pray about her marriage. She doesn't describe an asshole or monster as her husband, so I'm sure whatever they saw in each other in the hot december sun in awka 2 years ago can be somehow rekindled.

Im A Babe said...

AUNTY N....AUNTY N...IS THAT YOU?? its ur niece im a babe!!! well if its u or not, all i gotta say is that i DETEST it when a woman thinks gettin married 2 some yankee based guy is the all and all even w/o knowin who d fucka is. her story is just 1 of the many. she should even be thankin God he has not started beatin d hell out of her and sleepin with different women under her nose. and y did she say she cant leave him again? cos she didnt mention that she has a kid with him or sumtn. she had beta pack her stuff, leave that man 4 good and stop worrying about what people would say before she ends up as 1 of the statistics...DEAD!!!

Adenike said...

I certainly agree with baba alaye and inuke. Mrs trapped saw a cooked meal and brought out a fork. What do you expect. You practically married a stranger who probably married you not because he was in love but because he got to a stage in life where he thought marriage was the next thing to do. And your incentive was probably the fact that he came from abroad. But there's no use crying over spilt milk. Pray that God should make your husband your lover. You also should try talking to him. And also make sure you gain as much independe as you can through your nursing career. I hope it all works out. But if all else fails there's no point beating a dead horse. I wish you all the best but I have little sympathy for you and women like you.

BrightEyed Chick said...

This must be very difficult for you to handle but the first thing I will advise you to do is pray, prayer is the key in any situation. Now what you need is a boost of CONFIDENCE in yourself, I have learned a while ago that men think it's very sexy for a woman to be confident, it doesn't matter if you don't have the 'accent' down make your accent sound like it's the best. You also need to know what your man finds attractive, invest in yourself, work out, make the effort to look put together, look through magazines you can find alot of resources on style from them. Don't give up, giving up is for losers so prove to him that you are not a loser. He seems like a pretty reasonable guy so try harder. Nothing worth having is ever easy.

omohemi Benson said...

Trapped get real!
I am so sorry if I sound harsh but I can't help myself.
In this day and age,you don't know a dude well, and you go ahead and marry his picture?duh!
There is more to this story, abi I am missing something.
Why did you agree to marry him?
Even if everyone in ur family was tripping for him, what happened to your feelings? please tell me.
Ok,now fast forward.
What are your skills? What is your educational background?
Do you have a job?
If you wanna leave the man, there better be some way you are gonna support yourself, since your family are not behind you.
Even if they are get a job,learn something. The choice of remaining unhappy is all up to you.
Have you talked to him about your feelings?
If he changed will you be happy?
Do you know yourself? What do you want trapped?

My 2 cents.

Kpakpando said...

are people unaware that people still sell their children into slavery uh I mean marriage just so they can better their situations? Its not just a plot for a nollywood movie you know. Doesn't seem like she had much say in picking the man or marrying him or she has support from her parents as long as he's bankrolling them, just another side effect of poverty in Nigeria

NAIJAAMERICANBABE said...

my dear mrs trapped: Please take it easy it will be well

here is what you should do if you are not happy. Forget Naija for at least 2 years get you papers first and foremost! before doing anything rash.

Once you get it. Let him know you are not happy and you wanna move on ok!

Then bring the guy you know who he is that you love so very much! from Naija and get him his papers too! it is a win win situation

Your guy can go meet another girl who he can talk down to.

So my dear stay calm go through the motions and get you PAPERS FIRST! I GET AM BEFORE NO BE PROPERTY OH!

ladybrille said...

It was not very smart to not do the research b/4 you married him. However, it is what it is. Now, some suggested solutions. ATTITUDE is everything. It makes sense his friends are mostly white because, like you said, he is in a place with minimal Africans/Blacks. Chat with his friends when they visit. It will help you know him even more. Plus, you’d be surprised when they tell you they LOVE your accent. This might affect how your guy perceives your “local” accent. Sometimes it takes others to appreciate what we have before we value it. Sad but c’est la vie. Compromise on clothes or things that do not change the essence of who you are, especially if he finds it sexy. DO NOT change your accent. Once, you do, you lose YOU. If enunciation is an issue, then learn to enunciate well. Join the nursing program. It makes sense. God forbid if he loses his job e.t.c. you want to be able to provide, if only for a minute. Try not to use work or school as an escape route. Commit yourself to cultivating a relationship with him. Most importantly, DO NOT discuss your relationship with third parties. It is between you and your guy. Once others get into it, it becomes a mess. He sounds like a good guy. Take the time to know him and you just might spiral out of control with love for him. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Mrs Trapped, i really feel for you. I met a girl who was in the same situation 7 yrs ago. I remember helping her apply for her 1st job at Subway after dude sent her packing; knowing she didnt know anyone in that state. Today she's a nurse and drives a 2006 Honda. In short sha, anonymous said it all. but it doesnt mean you have to split from him. However,if you try and it doesnt work out, at least you will leave the relationship a more accomplished person. And pls start saving money for a rainy day. Good luck with it. @ Omotola-davis, which one is level pass level? totally uncalled for. Becos the dude is an engineer abi becos he resides in yankee? u people sef. Since when did yankee make anyone on a higher level.
Sorry jare Ms. Bella.

BabsBETA said...

BabaAlaye and Omohemi, 1Million hi5 for both of you.

I've heard a few stories like this and I must say Mrs trapped is lucky the situatuin isnt worse. Like Omohemi says, its 200x, who still marries the pix of a lad they know lil about.

@Mrs Trapped
If your guy is the type that can be talked to attempt it but DO NOT consider pregnancy for now no matter what your parents think.

That's my non sentimental 2 cents

Anonymous said...

I am not tryn to knock u or n e thing, but this story needs to be published in every glossy naija magazine so that other young naija-based girls can read.....this is what i keep telling them all the time but it just sounds like i'm farting thru my mouth.

Every naija girl's dream is to land an "away" based husband....even Congo based husband is better than a "common" naija based man. They don't think deep enoff...the saddest thing is how their parentts are so so quick to give away their daughter's due to their distorted imagination of life abroad. Just last christmas wen i went home to naija with my whole family this girl (former friend) was pissing me da hell off so much following and leeching onto my brother bcos he lives in NY....the sadder thing is her parents puching her to my house to go and spend time and i guess "mark her territory"...these pple cooked the uncookable for us o...i mean it was a feast, and mind u it wasn't like we were close to them b4 so it was evident that they were just tryn to get us to accept them. It's so sad bcos there are so many naija men in naija that are so well to do even more than the ones here. Last year a friend of my friend came over for the summer and bought a $1,500 LV bag, two $500 jimmy choo shoes, and other expensive stuff for his wife in naija...and the only reason why he came last yr w/o her was bcos she was pregnant and was advised to stay on bed rest or else meeeen....d boy was telln us of all d exotic places they've been to and he had me askn him to make me his second wife....(jokn)...its not just about the money either, my friend was later telln me that he spoils the hell out of his wife...he is so sweet to her, cooks for her...i mean..i salivate tire. Also, one of my mom's best friends and his wife are just international tourists..hehe...those ones take honeymoon every summer...i mean trips around the world....their kids live in canada and london but they are based in naija...or is it my aunt and her husband dat's been married for about 13yrs not but still act so inlove like they two lovey-dovey teenagers.....

Meen...the moral of my story is for our naija girls to think DEEP....things arent always what they seem....America/Europe isn't everything they dream of...just cos we come home for xmas and look all fly and whipped don't mean we look and live like that 24/7...some of us dey borrow money!....some of us dey take students loan sef...ehem....some of us dey borrow pose sef...as in use credit card buy jimmy shoes and coach bags, but as soon as we land bak for jand/yankee....na so we go carry our receipt ruuuun (no be walk sef) bak to d store and return everything b4 the return date expire. hahaha....ofcourse it doesn't apply to all...but i just wanna let y'all know dat all dat flaunting and maga maga na just to live up to expectation...some pple sef did countless overtime to save d money sef...hehehe..(jand/yankeeiers shey una feel me)...please...marraigae is not a contract...it is not a matter of looking for whom to upgrade u...its all about seeking that person to make u HAPPY, and that person that u are compatible with...simple!...

Mrs. Trapped....GO BACK HOME. PERIOD. no "buts", "ifs" or "maybes"....he imported a house girl...and i bet he was the one who suggested for u to do nursing....bcos he wants u to b his ATM.....hopefully after u bcome a nurse, he won't seize ur checks and give u just $10 like my aunt's ex-husband did to her!...i hope u don't stay wit him long enoff to verify dat...point blank even u werent honest from the get go...a great %age of u marrying him was bcos of his "away" status...so dis is wot u got girl...but u lucky u not pregnant yet, so u can still break free

NAIJAAMERICANBABE said...

MRS TRAPPED DO NOT LISTEN TO ALL THESE FOLKS SAYING GO HOME! TAKE MY ADVICE AND HOLD YOURSELF TILL YOU GET YOUR PAPERS!

THEN GBAM! LEAVE HIM AND GET YOUR TRUE LOVE BACK HOME OVER TO THE US TO BE WITH YOU!

PAPERS WILL BE WORTH MORE THAN GOLD TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!

elai said...

hello

ask ur hubby why he asked u to marry him in the first instance with accent et al then ask ur self why u agreed to if deep inside u its to get to the us den make the most of it get ur degree b4 dat continue ur life as u would have lived it without him if its marriage get to know him better since u guys neva had d chance to do dat but pls neva change ur identity for anyone goggle nigerians in d state u re u ll definenty see maybe an old frind sef

Anonymous said...

Personally, I think this is a future " Another Naija Nurse Killed by her Husband Story"

1st of all, the chik is a royal idiot for marrying someone she barely knew... the lure of marrying a well-to-do man who lives is yankee was too hard to resist.... notice sef how she did not mention the word love or anything when she was describing their meeting and their marriage... it was only after she got where she was that shes all of a sudden realizing that she didn't "love" him..before nko?
Anyway,
I would advise mrs. Trapped, to try to talk to ur husbad 1st and foremost and see what happens....if nothing changes within a time set period, u should leave.. even if u have to go back home and have pple talk about u and ur failed marriage.....
I would also advise u under no circumstances should u have children for this man until all is well between ya'll because if u do, and the man's behavior continues, u are in effect trapping urself further in this marriage.....

America is not by force and the sooner pple realize this, the better. I'm sure it would be nice to have him fund ur schooling so u can better urslef but at what cost? talk to the man and give the situation 6 mnths ... if he does not change or gets worse, u need to leave him. in the meantime, I suggest u start squirreling away whatever money u have. cuz u will need it if worse comes to worse..... open a savings account that only you have access to and do not tell the guy..... so u can have something to help u if u have to be on ur own. I always say the best present anyone can give themselves is the powe to be independent. That way if u are in a bind, u do not have to rely on anyone else....

I don't know why pple pray and ask God for the spirit of discermnet yet refuse to see the signs in front of them....this is how situations escalate and it will go from emotional abuse to verbal and end in physical abuse..... bottomline is if dude does not change, if the dude refuses to change or the situation gets worse, u need to pick ur slippers nad find the nearest exit.....

Anonymous said...

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!!!!!!! it wasn't love in the first place it was just a physical attraction! Nothing will work out my dear.....go!You only live once!
Dont make a mistake that you will regret for the rest of your life....well you already made it but dont bury yourself in it! Life is too short to live life unhappily!

9jamommy said...

There's no use crying over spilled milk, I can only imagine how you feel. Like many posters above said, you need to be independent and have lots of self confidence, these two things are paramount to making any relationship work. I get the feeling though that your husband just doesn't know how to express himself properly, so try and take a positive outlook on whatever he says and improve in areas you know you genuinely need to. Marriage is not easy even for people who love each other. Good luck.

Abj said...

hey dear. dont leave u cant leave marriage divorce is a sin and living outside divorce is like commiting adultery. i say PRAY PRAY PRAY theres nothign God cannot change. Pray for God to change the situation, pray for God to teach u what to do and most of all pray for patience. Be strong. Pray that God should give u the eords to say to him, because u need to talk to him lkllet him know how u feel. Dont be mean to him to retaliate be the best u can be to him. I wish i could reach out to u more than this. But just stay strong and pray i promise u God is real, if u havent, give ur life to Christ and watch ur life transform. Dont ever loose ur self esteem or looose faith in urself and dont tell everyone whats goin on in ur family. The bible says a wise woman keeps her home, in ur situation love is not automatic, its learnt and God will teach both of u. Just put God first and see what happens. Call me Abj, and illl try as much as possible to help u thru bellas page ok. Z Takecare and i really wish u all the best. Ill pray for u

OmoJesu said...

You are already in it all you have to do is make the best of it, God frowns at divorce. First things first take it to God in prayer and you have to communicate with him, let him know how you feel about what is going on, it takes two. It is a good thing abuse is not involved and so therefore I would not suggest you rush out of it. I do believe u guys can start things over and make it work but again communication is the key. Learn to know what he likes, loves to do and vice versa. Do things together as a couple. As a woman, you do have sort of a stronger hold, make use of it, do womanly things to him that would make him weak to his knees and that might mean changes to some things you are already doing, remember you are his wife and there is no limit. Try to do things that will make YOU happy around the house since you are a stay at home wife and that way you do not get bored or feel neglected. I do believe any marriage can work regardless of how it started, concentrate on the future but of course, it would take the help of God and the both of you to be determined to make it work. I wish you luck and I hope your marriage changes for the best.

Abj said...

and like 9jamommy said, marriage takes work since u gys are from different backgrounds u also have to try and brush ur self up, improve in areas he complains about, even if he might be exaggerating somethings but just try and improve urself so u feel better and no one looks down on u. but most of all like i said pray for wisdom and then speak to him about how u feel, he's ur husband, just try he might not listen immediately but u can plant a seed in his heart and dont nag or sulk or shout or be rude

Moose said...

interesting and sad! life is too long. pick up the fragments and start afresh!

Areagal said...

@anon.7:56Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarap and your long long story. 9jamommy and the 1st anoymous said it better. All this Jimmy Choo stories and LV bag NONSENSE are rubbish, stories for another day another blog.. ok! Whats your objective. If you have nothing to say ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZIPP it. I am talking to all u negative people. No need to kick a dying horse, Mrs Trapped needs encouragement right now so her question is NOW WHAT? And thats that. Y'all never know u might be in a predicament 2morrow and need help. You wont be expecting "i told you so" song. AH AH! My people, let learn to be more supportive, NOBODY IS PERFECT shhhhhhhhuo! Mrs trapped is looking for encouragement /advice not sympathy. I always notice how EVERYONE is so quick to give advice on other peoples problems. If u have nothing positive to say. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZIPPP it ziiiiiiiiipidy zip it.

Folabi Ogunkoya said...

Don't normally answer this type question but I read all the comments and for me none dealt with the issue.
Some comments condemned this woman for trying to eat a "ready cooked meal". Have we forgotten where we came from, not evryone is so privileged in the world we live today to marry the one we fall for. Some have to make do, thats the situation take it or leave it

My advice for this woman is simple - have his baby, for one thing he might love you from there on and he might not, but you will love and cherish that kid whichever way. You can process you papers from there (cynical or not). Having a baby will change a lot of things and its the only solution short of leaving this man

bibi said...

this is crazy...i feel bad for u...all u can do is pray...and be patient...may God see u thru..

Areagal said...

Folabi- zzzzzzzzzzzzzip it! Sha-sharrap (lol) Heii! Have his baby? Are u kidding me? Someone who is clearly in an unhappy situation.. what are they going to offer a baby? A single mom u want her to be now? U think its easy to raise a baby??? some of u are just evil I swear. U wan make this woman life more complicated eh?
Mrs Trapped, my prayers are with you and like I said b4 the 1st anon and 9jamommy couldnt have said it any better. Keep your head up ma.

Moose said...

@ fola, the last thing i'd suggest to this chica is to bear children for someone that barely acknowledges you now (although i may be in the minority here).

not sure if a child will make things better in this situation, probably will complicate things.

what is stronger than pride?

Anonymous said...

Na wa for my ppl o! How about we give Mrs. Trapped the benefit of the doubt?

For one, it sounds like she may have been genuinely interested in this man in the beginning (their love blossomed!). Also, their long distance relationship developed over a period of time (they kept in touch via email for some months; it took about a year after she finished her course for her to eventually be reunited with him).
Rather than knocking her down, I think we should be offering her some constructive advice. How many of us have been in relationships that lasted months, even years, only to find out the other person was not who we thot they were and we hadn't really been in love?

For Mrs. Trapped, it appears that what may be going on here is that you may be feeling a sense of inadequacy and insecurity that your husband in his haste to bring you up to speed ("buying you clothes", urging you to improve your accent - tho i doubt if your accent was french, he'd want you to loose it that quickly - but i digress) may be aggravating the problem.

Constant communication without indictment is one of the keys to the success of any relationship - discuss your feelings with him (eg., darling, i know you want me to look good and i want to, but so much is changing in my life right now that i'd like to make a gradual transition in areas i can control. How about we alter the trips to the mall for clothes - you choose clothes on one trip and i'll choose my clothes on the subsequent one?). Talk to him openly and honestly about your feelings and misgivings. Listen carefully to what he has to say. Please do not get caught up in the westernized notion of love and romance. My grandparents who met and were married while in school in Naija in 1940s were the most in love ppl i've ever known - they were married for over half a century and while they never kissed and hugged each other in our presence, no one could deny their love.

It's not all about hitting him up for his money (get ur education and leave him!). What if he truly loves you? Karma is a b**ch and what goes around always comes around, so be careful before using him. If you have to go, go and take pride in doing something for yourself.

Lastly, if he really is abusive to you, you do not have to remain in that situation. PERIOD. Please do not let culture trap you in an unhealthy situation. Reach out for help - church, police, yellow pages. Half the ppl advising you stay in an unhealthy relationship will turn around and blame you for not seeing the signs and leaving when the man kills you.

I wish you all the best and keep us posted on your decision.

ifie said...

My dear,
I 'd like to assure that there is nothing unusual in the way you met your husband. A lot of girls from the eastern part of Nigeria have met their spouses in similar ways and are living happily with them.
I have friends(who are very enlightened,infact some are doctors and pharmacists)who met their hubbys and got married before you could say "Cho Seung Hui" and they are living in the same way i live with my husband of 8 years whom dated for 5 years!!
Marriage is very compicated and I doubt if any one can claim to know their partner very well because a lot of things change the minute you get married.
You have to be very prayerful,able to communicate and compromise.Sometimes ,you even have to be the fool.
Like some one said, maybe your hubby wants to include you in his clique but is not expressing himself properly. you alone can tell yourself the truth-have you got an Igbotic accent? what can you do to improve it?How about your dressing? and your use of tenses in English(perhaps your husband wants you to speaak in English cos practice makes perfect).
Like your mom said,you have a lot to be happy for.Find ways of communicating with Mr hubby.Do not be intimidated by him.Tell him you do not like the way he talks to you. mind you,you can tell him these things when both of you are in good mood.If you want to be kissed and hugged,teach him by example - you will be surprised that a lot of men do not know what to do!!
I have a very happy marriage because I try to be open with my husband and i am oppourted to know about some of my friends' marriages and we all have similar problems(it doesn't matter how long you knew your hubby before marriage or not)
Now, common, go to work ang Good luk. God bless

Moi.... said...

To Abj and co...abeg wat do you mean by God frowns at divorce...divorce is a sin et al??? Listen, it is in the bible, if u spouse should cheat on you i.e. commit adultry, then you have the right to divorce and if you do,you would have to remain single or somethng along that line. Please stop mis-yearning abeg. *hiss*

Anyway, mrs trapped...my 2cents? Listen, it takes two to tango. You are already in the marriage and there is no need crying over spilt milk. So woman, talk to your husband. Speak to him kindly and honestly. Relationship/mariage is not easy to build believe me. Also, pray and ask God for help, ok.
However, after all said and done and still no change. Then you have to start thinking of exit option. The worst thing in a marriage is an angry and bitter woman. Cos if you end up angry and bitter, not only will you destroy yourself, you will also push your husband to wall...to the point of him becoming violent. Cos you we women can TALK when we get angry. By talk, I mean NAG!! And men hate nags!!!

All the best!!!

Pink-satin said...

Men u are already in the situattionmake the best of it..i second anonymous 4:11pm well well o...if u can get a degree withhim paying for it,a definte stay ...then u can opt out of the marriage fine fine

Anonymous said...

areagal dat ur name fit u well well...see as u dey yapp dat ya mouth like market woman. hisss

But seriously, it's not like i meant to torment the poor girl...cos i know dat we all make mistakes...but i couldn't help but to get passionate about the matter bcos i know countless pple dat have been forwarned about dis, yet they proceeded and at the end it mostlty ended baad...another case in point: Stephanie Okereke...tho she's visited here b4 wit other actor b4 gettn married, but y rush into marriage so quickly w/o really knowing a person bcos of "away" stats...biko, u can't deny dat i spoke the correct truth in my last post...

biko Mrs Trapped my dear..i really feel bad for u my ddear but i advise u leave the marriage....the longer u stay might result to a pregnancy and then the situation will get further complicated....DO NOT USE HIM FOR PAPERS or EDUCATION oooo...e go back faya.trust. karma is a biyachhh

Abj said...

to Moi...i understand ur correction it is true that u can divorce if ur spouse cheats...the situation at hand is not about cheating is it? if it were i'd say she should make her own mind up and know she has a get out of jail free card but thats nott he case here like she said her husband is not mean to her, they just need work innit.

Areagal said...

@anon 12:56 Just zzzzip that ya mouth u self righteous yipidy yapper. hissssss. Who asked u to explain urself? Being the areagal market gal loud mouth that I am I wanted to have the last WOD.Ifie very well said. Mrs Trapped, It shall be well, like the other blogger said dont be bitter but communicate, no relationship is easy, if it does not work then make a decision u will be happy with a decision that u can sleep very peacefully with at night. With thats said, I appreciate all the beautiful women that have given Mrs
Trapped some solid advice. I applaud you ladies. Lets continue to be each others strength instead of pulling each other down my sisters. peace and love

Areagal said...

*correction*I actually meant anon. 12:46 am

Anonymous said...

Awoof dey run belle. LOL. I aint sorry for ms. trapped jor. I bet she was sitting in the village laughing at single women in America saying their puzzi is cold that's why Emeka come fly across atlantic ocean to nabb her hot puzzi. (kidding) yeye girl, abi u bin wan talk say some fine boyz no dey toast you for Lagos? Like yoroba people say "o befon labata, o yo ada ti". Trust me, your husband, Emeka, is still shagging his akata ex. He just married you to shut his parents up.
Imagine the ewu openning her mouth calling herself "envy" of her friends? chei? No wonder they say women are our own worst enemies. so marriage nah competition of who nabs the enviable bachelor ba? it's not your fault now? I swear i don't blame you, i blame the guy that left pounded yam for house, come dey go trouble stale eba from yesterday.
Greedy chic that's what you are. Why would you marry someone you don't love? ooops ma bad...he got dollars. before nko? You seriously mean you never even serached if u loved him until after marriage? what were you doing during courtship? oh i get it, your trips to the bank to receive his Western union money transfer didn't give u enough time to ask yourself if you love him or to even look for signs that he loves you. You come call osadebe and aiyefele , cake by tosan, block muson center and celebrate marriage finish, you come dey find love. that's why i will never envy anyone in my life. lai lai. Those envying you have not clue that you are now a piece of furniture in your husband's house. they are there in lagos looking for ur husband's clone to fedex them to america. chei? see suffer ahead for some girls.

and to Folabi, hmmm so having a baby to secure a man's love is a good idea shey? bwhhahahahha mo gbe o. orisirisi on this our blogsville sef.. Man no love you right? but if u spread leg, born pickin, he got start to love you ? get the facts straight, he still won't love you, he will only love his child. Clear difference. Some women have use that trap and it boomeranged on them. don't ever make that mistake of carry the child of a man who doesn't love you. that's tying yourself down.

Miss better life said...

my dear, i come from an ibo family as well and although i havent experienced what you are going through, i understand how the pressures on a young girl to get married are. love can't be faked and although some people believe it can grow if it isnt already there, i beg to differ.
At the end of the day, its your choice to make, you can either [a] stay with a man you do not love, who is also your ticket to a good career or [b] leave for the sake of your happiness. Neither is an easy choice but whatever you decide, do because you want to, and not because you were pressured to.
All the best love.X

Kettle said...

Jesus take the wheeell!!

Anonymous said...

MRS. TRAPPED... What u are experiencing at the moment is rather unfortunate. Let me assure u that this situation is by no means ur fault and that you have done nothing to deserve the husband you have right now.
I hear this rubbish always and everywhere about young ladies being married off to men who live outside naija when there are able bodied and fat walleted guys back home... true... I agree.. but can we beat our chests and say that those men in naija are any better than the guys in yankee... absolutely not.
Yours is simply a bad situation and it can happen anywhere, be it naija, yankee, jand... anywhere...
all this ppl wey dey scatter yarn about yankee guys.. i just wonder, obviously yankee guys are no saints, but you no fit compare the kind of abuse women go through in the hands of naija men living in naija to those in yankee... no way!
I see nothing wrong in a girl getting married to someone in yankee.
Thing is, guys everywhere should learn to treat their women right...
Mrs Trapped, wipe ur tears... things are not the way you woulda hoped... but nothing never spoil... relax u dey yankee... guys fit mess up for naija go free but for here na woman dey marry man... try and be straight with your man... tell him how u feel and what you feel... if him still no gree...chill... enter plan B(hardball)... get ur RN license get urself straight... then tell him that it is either ur way or no way...
On the other hand, if u want to go back to naija then u have to be sure that u have something worthwhile that will earn you a living there...
Anyway Goodluck! It sure sucks to be in your shoes right now... but just remember that IT IS NOT UR FAULT... C'est la vie... na life.
Just pray.. I go pray for u too.

PAPA OUT!

Tutsy said...

@Areagal....ROTFLMAO!!!!.....LOL...Chineke! we have a serious "correctional officer" on duty here....good job o jare...keep me entertained.

Okay on some real "ish" though, this is a sad story right here...very sad. To an extent i feel like lashing out on Ms Trapped...telling her "You deserved what she got you money hungry skank"...i mean she did agree to marry a guy she barely knew....but then again i feel that would be extremely judgmental..its so much easier to point out other's errors and criticize.... but yet we fall short of doing the same to ourselves. Granted she made a mistake, but she doesn't deserve to be crucified for it. If anything, Ms Trapped needs love and support right now, 'cuz i bet she's extremely vulnerable ...i can just imagine what the poor girl's life is like not having friends, adjusting to a new life and having an asshole for a husband. But not to worry darling its all a phase....keep your head up, this too shall pass.

Now i wouldn't adivse you head to a divorce court nor will i tell you to change yourself to suit your man....that's a decision you have to make....but i would tell you this, whatever choice you settle for, make sure its worth it.....the worst that could happen is looking back thirty years from now, wishing you could undo your past....i have been there, its not a good feeling.

If you decide to stay, then i applaud you for your courage and determination to make your marriage work. Focus on that nursing program and i am sure God will see you through. On the other hand, if you decide to board the next flight to Nigeria, you still have my respect....it takes a lot of guts to walk away from a relationship; Good or Bad...and it takes a lot more guts to face your folks back home....A failed marriage isn't the end of the world....When we make major blunders like this, sometimes it helps to retrace one's step and start all over again. Like earlier stated, either way you go, you are still a champ with me....in the meantime, keep that chin up dear, there is still a silver lining in the cloud.

Waffarian said...

Dearie, you already know what to do, you said yourself that you do not love him. Matter closed. Now I believe the question you are asking us all is "should I stay, get an education and sort out my papers?" or "should I leave now, while I am still sane?" That's what you want to know, my dear.Now to answer these questions: How much is it worth to you? Do you plan on living in the states? Do you want to make your future there? If the answer is yes, then, get on it. You are already there, no wahala, start building your future, bite your lips, do your stuff, basically, make the best of the situation. If the answer is no, then no use wasting your time, go home and leave that miserable life you are living.

Anonymous said...

Mrs trapped, i dont really think you are trapped at all, i think you had this notion that living in the oyinbo land will bring you fulfilment, but when you got here, you found out its not all its cut out to be. From what a few of the commenter have said, you lack communication in your marriage! Abeg all these commenters chatting crap, abeg, advising her to leave her husband, abi you no take vows, for better or worse! You need to sit down with him and let him know your mind, you need to work it out, abi at the first sign of trouble you dey run? If he talks to you that way its the way you represent yourself! Someone said here, its confidence, you need loads of it and selfworth, once you start loving yourself then you can love him!Get yourself an education, a source of income and make yourself independent! You need to make HIM see you for who you are and your worth, he will forever think your the girl he "brought from the village" to marry! Change his perpective of you, make him see that you are not bush and please dont loose your identity because of him, you are who you are, you are unique, dont let no one in this world convince you otherwise.
Abeg no leave am, if you think there is a small chance of you loving him and being with him then stick it out and dont let anyone's opinion affect your decisions. People are always going to give you their 2cents in life, you are in it, na only you know wetin you dey face, so you deal with it as you see fit
You made your bed, now lie in it!

bella fan no.1 said...

Come on people, let's not be so negative. Yes, Mrs. Trapped made a huge mistake, but it's not like we are all perfect. We all make mistakes sometimes - all she did was fall for 'glitter', not knowing it's not always gold. She made a mistake, she didn't commit a crime! She has come here looking for help, not judgment.

Mrs. Trapped, hubby does not sound so bad - that you don't love him today doesn't mean you won't love him tomorrow, contrary to what people like Waffarian obviously think, love has been known to grow between people (just like it has been known to diminish!) So don't think that the lack of love now signifies the end of your marriage.

Be sincere with him, open up and try to get him to open up. Study him and try to understand him, but do not take crap from him. When he talks to you anyhow, tell him you don't appreciate it.

Try to find a common ground with him, don't allow the communication gap between you to widen. Think of what you want out of this, then talk to him. Tell him you are not there as a trophy wife or sex-partner, but as a real 50/50 partner, and that he needs to change his view of you. Talk to him, and make it clear to him WHAT YOU WANT - because like Omohemi said, you don't seem too sure of what you want out of this. What are your hopes and expectations? Think it through, then call hubby and talk to him one-on-one.

I agree whole-heartedly with Anon 11.03.

Adaure said...

Madam, like others have said you need to communicate with your man (or is it that you cannot verbally express yourself in english? Speak igbo then) There's nothing worse that not talking about a problem and bottling it up, EVEN if it takes you guys having a shouting match, at least you get to voice out your frustration. BUT you will have to sit down (lie down:)) and TALK. Some of the advice given are great depending on how the pendullum swings, but you can only find that out AFTER COMMUNICATING and having a HEART-TO-HEART with OGA. My 2 kobo.

ExcitedJade said...

Madam, this is 200x... how could you be lured into marriage with a man u barely know, haba.. u r a woman of substance. My dear, right now, u only need prayers cos u're in it already.... didnt u for once think what took the man so long to get married and above all he didnt come for the wedding but sent enough money for preparations.. haba, now.. thats rubbish.

I feel u sha but make i no lie u, its hard, cos no one can force a man to like her.. these guys( na only God can arrest them).

RedZiya said...

You've got 1-life to live girl!!!

I'm going to offer you my opions...remember they're just my opinions so you're in NO WAY obliged to heed them.

1)Be selfish about your happiness!

See I like to think I am the center of my world, therefore if I cannot locate myself locating others is a hideous task.

2)Love yourself more.

If you treat and carry yourself with confidence and respect then the people around have no choice but to treat you the same way.

ULTIMATELY remember that yourself est-eem is all you've got! When that goes it can take almost your whole life trying to get it back intact. No relationship is worth losing yourself to.

You can make this marriage work. But the work starts with YOU!

Remember God is a good God.

All the best

RedZiya

Anonymous said...

Sebi she wanted to marry "abroad guy" now...so really she should just face the shit or poison him.

Mona said...

eeya :-/

Chai!! said...

@anonymous 11.00AM - Poison him ke????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will u visit her in prison? LMAO

pam said...

Kudos for taking a step to improve yourself and your relationship. Thinking of both shows youre in the right space for new beginnings.
As many have said it all starts with developing you as you and not the you, you imagine your husband wants. (a lot of yous!) The man still CHOSE YOU!
Who are you? What do you like? What are your strengths? Let that be the larger part in the rest of your actions and choices. Are you even sure you want to be a nurse?
Well I saw this online and thought to share it

Willard F. Harley Jr. - relationship qualities that are highly important to a man:

Recreational Companionship
An Attractive Partner
Sexual Fulfillment
Domestic Support
Admiration
Loyalty
Respect
Love

Of course you are doing this backwards but since I come across MANY people who after dating someone for years marry them and realise they are strangers, you are not alone.
for more talk send a message through my blog at www.pdbraide.blogspot.com
Good luck babe

Ms Practical said...

Mrs Trapped

1. Communication. Talk, talk and talk and be honest. If you have to cry in front of this man....do. Tell him honestly how he makes you feel etc. Maybe he is not even aware of your feelings and the hurt he is causing you. Men are not known for their mind reading skills. I bet you always tell him you are fine and cater to all his needs without a whim.

2. Do not wait for this man to initiate the romantic moments. Why don't you do it? You are married for God's sake. Kiss him first, hold his hands when you are out walking, Candle lit dinners, picnics etc If you have to, be a whore in the bedroom...mehnnn it works. He will look at you differently.

3. Start making some decisions on your home life or your life together. Is it your decision or is it his decision that you go to nursing school?

4. Don't sit at home 24/7. Join a gym, go jogging, join a book club, go to a library, do some voluntary work. Do not sit at home just thinking. You will go mad......occupy your mind.

5. Evoke Plan B - Just in case he turns violent.... make sure you have numbers and addressess for local women's refuges (seriously)

6. Plan C - save, save, save... if he gives you shopping money for households.... save some of it

7. Wishing you all the best.
Remember
LIFE IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

KEEPING IT REAL said...

DEAR MRS TRAPPED:

DONT LEAVE YET!

(1) BE NICE AND DONT FIGHT UNTIL YOU FINISH NURSING SCHOOL

(2) DONT HAVE ANY KIDS YET, UNTIL YOU ARE VERY SURE ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE (I HOPE YOU ARE STILL RELATIVELY YOUNG)

(3) IF YOU LEAVE HIM, DONT GO BACK TO NAIJA - YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIND SOMETHING HERE (GET YOUR PAPERS RIGHT)

(4) IN THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES YOU TO FINISH SCHOOL AND GET YOUR PAPERS, YOU GUYS MAY HAVE GROWN TO LOVE EACH OTHER...

IF NOT - THEN YOU WILL BE WELL-EQUIPPED TO LEAVE

CIAO

Thoughts said...

Based on the comments I've read, some of y'all have nicely stated things out for her.I guess it's not up to Mrs. Trapped to decipher and make the right decision.Prayer is key though so I say you prayer even whilst making the decision.Y'll be just fine.

anijawife said...

What she need is our advice not to condemn her as the did have been done.She need to wake him up midnight and tell him how she care about him and will need time to adjust and she can be the woman he want with his care and understanding.She should now take time to study him though its not going to be easy but both of them can grow to love each other,afterall some mama are married to their husband by their inlaw without knowing the man and today,they are happy together.The guys in the house should stop the idea of making girls look as if they only run after money and comfort in a relationship and in anycase who wan be mrs sufferness,afterall its been proven that women who suffer with men ended up regretting it.

Chameleon said...

abeg lets be real here. she's out of the village and u want her to return? purlease. she's already in this situation so she should stay there and make the most of it.

1. go to nursing school
2. take birth control pills
3. get your papers
4. get some elocution lessons.

when all those have been ticked off,

5. take your things and start life afresh.

goodluck

bimbylads said...

u married a picture?? please can i LOL!!!...

my sister, u don enter. sit there and make it work. did they not warn u that marriage is a life sentence? pray about it and improve ur marketability- no man likes a liability. besides, THE MAN DOESNT SOUND TOO BAD, IMPROVE UR SELF JARE..

Anonymous said...

Well i think in every relationship communication matters. So Mrs Trapped i think you should get the courage and talk to him. Let him know how you feel and also let him tell you want he wants. I think you guys should start your relationship over because you are missing those baby steps of a relationship.
And also pray about it

Kpakpando said...

areagal wants me to die oh!!! Zipppit, sha-sharrao lmao. Bella I hope Ms. Trapped is taking all this advice/criticism/encouragement with a grain of salt. I've read many of these replies, and I see some downright bad advice, promoting selfishness and nastiness; some Deeper life like overtones; some lazy advice; some oversensationalized advice and what I think is solid advice. The truth is nobody is exactly in her situation or knows what her motivation was for the marriage, nor do they know the husband's mind either. She has to decide what's best for her, and realize she's the only one who will have to live with the decision even if the end result is endless regret or unrivaled happiness.
Good luck Ms. Trapped, you might not be as trapped as you think.

TaureanMinx said...

Wow I can't believe all these comments. Some are downright USELESS if I may say so myself. She tried to be as honest as possible. Jeez can't someone make a mistake? She and her parents prob thought it was a great idea, and even if we know better, some others aren't as exposed. The presures from their families can also be a lot. Lets not sit on our high horses and yarn trash.

Shes in it now, what should she do is the question she asked not what you think about what she did. I am happy she brought this up, maybe the next unsuspecting girl will learn from it.

Mrs trapped, first stop thinking that you are trapped, you are married and I don't know what you think marriage is supposed to be like but it needs work. Its not a fairytale. What have you done to try and make this marriage work? You did not mention. Really all you have talked about is you.

Love is not always instant, it needs to grow, where do you want the affection to come from when you don't know each other.

How about you try communicating, try loving him, try showing some affection. He sounds like a good guy. If he talks down at you, you need to tell him directly that you do not like the way he talks to you. Don't cower, don't be quiet only to come and vent later. He needs to know if not he will keep taking tiny steps till maybe he slaps you one day. Dramtic but very possible. You need to curb that habit of his PRONTO. Don't mince your words, don't be rude but don't keep it inside either.

Things will prob get better once you start nursing school, you will have a life, you will have your own friends too. Don't be over dependent on him and his friends, make a life for yourself too.

Things could really get better Mrs Nottrapped. Give your marriage a good try, you just never know.

Anonymous said...

Tminx has spoken!

Areagal said...

TMINX sweeery you could not have said it any better, thank you for wrapping this one up. Its a wrap! The party is over lets go home now. I dont think we need anymore comments after this.. IZZZZ enuff ok. Have a lovely weekend people.

Anonymous said...

i was in a situation v similar. went out with my bf for abt one and a half years, he was relocating abroad for a better life, he wanted committment, i did'nt.i knew he was the type i'd marry anyway but 1 was not planning long distance relationship. got married on a wednesday he travelled on a friday, did not see him for the next 4yrs....lived apart on and off for the next 2yrs. i then joined him abroad, we lived together for 6mnths and then he relocated back home. lived on and off again for the next year & a half....then i moved back home we were together for next yr & a half i got pregnant have been abroad for abt 6mnths.....we r celebrating our 10th yr anniversary this year. d point is do not if you cannot,if you do do it, make the v best of it you can........mrs bush

Beyond said...

i think you really need to pray about it, because it seems very difficult to tell you exactly what to do.
Anyways, i wish you best of luck.

ajiri said...

the root of the problem is that you were too interested in the fact that this was an opportunity that you didn't see the man you were dealng with. be that as it may, you still have the power to come out of this a winner.
you need to ask yourself if you are still interested in this man. you aregoing to have to meditate on this for a while because you are going to have to be real with yourself. if you decide you want something else for yourself, sister you are going to be strong and step out in faith knowing that God is with you.
if however you decide that you want your man back then you will need to dothe work to get him back. remember you are the one who wants him so realise that it will take a long time for him to start responding positively to your seduction.
it is important that you realise that what you need to do is seduce him.you need to stop focusing on what he does wrong and focus on how being with you will become more of a pleasure to him

Anonymous said...

Whoa, some harsh people on here...

I don't think Mrs. Trapped should be condemned. What did she do wrong? She thought she loved the guy and now she knows differnt. Many people have made that mistake before and many people will make it again.

My advice: try to talk to him. Let him know where he's being unreasonable like not letting you speak Igbo (that's ridiculous...). Also, ask him to include you when his friends are over. And *very imporant* make friends! I think when you start your program you'll make Nigerian/African friends. At this point, I can't imagine where you live in the US that doesn't have Nigerian or Igbo people... y'all know we're everywhere. Don't be afraid to make friends w/ non-Afr/Nigerian/Igbos either.

Oh and study, study, study! If you do go back to Naija, make sure you return as a nurse! And that's real.

Maurine said...

Ok, I had to get on here to say that most of y'all need to quit trying to front. Y'all know how Nigeria is & how a *vast majority* of NIgerian parents are. Don't FRONT!

Your parents or aunties see a "nice young man" they want you to marry him. They tell you to forget about a "long engagement" (ie, dating) and that "you'll love him" and swear he'll be great for you. "What more do you want?"

If you still insist that you don't know him well, they insult you. I know; me, my sibs & cousins are going t/o the same thing. We're stateside and everyone wants us to marry a men we've never even met yet.

So QUIT FRONTIN! Quit condemning her...like your parents or grandparents "knew each other well" when they got married... hate ppl who talk shiit...sorry Bella but I had to go there.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry, but there's not point trying to make any naija man love u..i thot we have all learned? if a man dnt love u, leave it..move on..i think you should move back to naija..weigh ur options,living with a rich bastard and being d slave or goin back home and being happy..i think u need to set ur priorities str8

Anonymous said...

plssssssssss........dont start having children..i beg u. children shld not b brought 2 suffer..suffer wateva wit him but pls dont dont bring a child into dis until u settle ur issues.with a child in d picture its hard to make decisions and dere r so many sacrifices involved.

Anonymous said...

hi
ok oruka ti dowo na..you already know the consequences of rushing into something as serious as marriage,other comments have nailed so it is done,lets move fwd with a solution
my advice: concentrate on the nursing,develop urself,dont have kids yet or at all,pray and try to see if love can still develop,on the side,finish ur school and make friends there,create ur own social network so u wont feel somehow when his white friends come,stay married until ur status is established,finish ur school so u can start making ur money,when u start work or b4 see if u can work on the marriage and love each other , if it absolutely doesnt work at this stage,i hate to say ,u have to start a new life not necessarily go back to naija but like i said establish your independency first ( esp financially) cos that is one of the main reasons you are mrs trapped.

teekay said...

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY...thats my advice...also ask yourself do u really love this man, if not do u think he is someone u can grow to love, if the answer to these questions are no, then there's really not point...the issue is really not about him alone, u guys shuld talk about it and take the next step from there. GOOD LUCK

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Trapped
I have sooo much to say that I dont even know where to start, so bear with me through the typos and all. I know I wont get to say everything, but I'll try to get out as much as I can.
First and foremost, keep your faith in God. He is the ONLY one that can get you through this situation or any situation for that matter.
I would comment on the wedding situation and how emailing someone is hardly getting to know them, but that is the past. We have to try to work on getting you out of this situation.
Let's start with this. You are Nigerian. You should be proud to be Nigerian. What comes with being Nigerian is your language. Any "Nigerian" who is ashamed of that (your "husband") should be ashamed of themselves. Please don't let his insecurities about his culture (probably enforced by the very white people that he calls his "friends") poison your security in your culture. Keep speaking your language and he can speak theirs if he wants to. It has been said that birds of a feather flock together meaning that people interact with others like them. Everyone needs to be around people who can relate to them on many different and deep levels (culturally, racially, spiritually, educationally, emotionally, etc) Not to say that people only surround themselves with one type of person, however, if you have no one around you who is like you, what kind of support do you have? This is in reference to both you and your husband, but primarily him. You live in a place with NO Africans, he has NO African friends, or at least Black friends. If you ask me, he's lost. He has no sense of identity and the one person close enough to be his source of stability in life (you) he is trying his hardest to destroy. Whether it is intentional or not, he is destroying you. It's a shame that you and your husband cannot share friends, but you need support so since he wont be there for you and his friends sure as hell wont, don't be afraid to venture out and find people to lean on. Research some African organizations that you can join, or go to certain areas of town that is known for diversity.
Next thing- if you are not happy, you are wasting your life away! I definitely do agree with respecting your elders, I love that our culture emphasizes that, but your mother is completely wrong and misguiding you. The bad thing about our culture is that we tend to marry for material things- be it cars, money, attractiveness, jobs and security, whatever(not all the time, but it happens). Not to say that it is not important to have stability, it is very important, but if you are not marrying for happiness and love (unconditional love-language, clothes and all), then all of the material things DO NOT MATTER AT ALL! Just because he isn't physically beating you, does not mean that your spirit isn't being torn apart every moment that you are with him. And just because he isn't starving you, does not mean that your not being emotionally mal-nurished. Yeah your friends are envying you, but they do not know the true story from your point of view. And if they do and they are still supporting an unhealthy marriage, then why are you keeping them around and furthermore calling them your friends? I, as well as our culture, does not support divorces, but I say, if you are trying your hardest (you spoke to him extensively, sincerely, and productively about your relationship), maybe even counseling (even though that is not in our culture either, but why not try if it could help) if all else fails, maybe you should go home. God will forgive you. Yeah your parents and friends will be disappointed, maybe they'll be pissed the hell off, but guess what? THEY'LL GET OVER IT! And if they don't, unfortunately they'll be loosing sleep and not you because YOU'LL GET OVER IT! NOBODY should have control over your happiness but YOU. They are not living your life, so they do not control you happiness either.
You are young! you have the rest of your life to live! Do you want to live it happily or do you want everyone around you living it for you? I am not at all trying to say that you should never listen to anyone ever again, but you should definitely follow your heart. And PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT bring a beautiful child into an unstable marriage. If you're dealing with typical Africans, then they are expecting a baby soon. Personally I think you should make things between you and your husband right before you involve a third innocent party. In addition to the child being negatively affected by the instability, it would just make the situation even more difficult.
I can write for hours, but I'll leave it here. Just have faith in yourself, you are sooo worth that, and most importantly have faith in God......and getting your papers first isn't such a bad idea (wink wink)
Take care, good luck and God bless!

Abi said...

Anon. 11:33pm u ve spoken very well....I totally agree with you. Mrs Trapped I really pray everything works out for you..

Favoured Girl said...

I agree with a lot of what T-Minx said. You were probably expecting life after marriage to be nothing but absolute bliss. But now reality has set in and it's not quite met your expectations. I suspect that you are feeling homesick too, missing your family and friends back in Nigeria. The fact is now that you are now married, your life has changed and you have to make the most of it. Please commit your life and your marriage everyday in prayers. Talk to your husband about your concerns and your expectations. He seems like a reasonable guy. Try to meet his expectations too, if he wants you to improve your English, dress differently etc. I'm not sure about stopping you from speaking your language though. Above all, keep yourself happy because your happiness does not necessarily come from anyone else but from within you. Go for your Nursing course, get a job, make friends outside the home. All the best.

Scarl3tVix3n said...

i actually like the first anons comment. follow those steps they'll work.

chidi said...

i think that you should escape back to nigeria. h e has not started hitting you yet but i thinnk he will later as time goes on. Don't accept being talked down to like that. Its not acceptable at all. If he did not want you, why marry you? Did he just want a wife for mouth or what? leave him. he's not worth it

racquelle-cutie said...

i think its part of your fault cos you didn't get to know him before rushing into marriage and now you are paying the price .i think the best thing to do is to run back home cos what he is doing to you is just the beginning so run b4 it gets too late

Folabi Ogunkoya said...

I still stick to my opinion there's only 2 paths in the situation. Break up or have that baby. Am not ibo but i've heard of stories lke these how long do u think its gonna be anyways b4 the man family start asking for pikin. She got married to a picture so its not hard to figure out all she wanted was to get out of naija, if the guy was based in naija would she marriy him ... probably not. So why leave the job uncompleted

tEEpEE said...

STICK IT OUT GET YOUR DEGREE AND GET THE HELL OUT! IF IT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU FORMULATE A PLAN WHERE YOU CAN ESCAPE TO THE PROMISED LAND (WHEREVER) BUT GET SOMETHING OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP, BOO. DONT LEAVE EMPTY HANDED. GOD HAS HANDED YOU LEMONS, MAGE LEMONADE GIRL, MAKE SO DAMN LEMONADE!!!!!

GOOD LUCK!!!

Mincer said...

Best advice is from Chameleon...Go and get some BC get your GC, and getyour BS(nursing degree) and the get O-U-T !!!

chicala said...

update o, bella.
miss trapped, as most pple hav said, get sth out of it and leave. Prove to him that u'r better than all that crap he's giving you.

Jummy said...

WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE TELLING HER TO GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE? DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER MAN TO GIVE HER? WILL YOU BE THE ONE TO MEET HER NEEDS? PLEASE, MRS "NOT-TRAPPED", LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. YOU ARE NOW MARRIED AND YOU ARE NOW IN THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITIES. INSTEAD OF MOANING AND GRUMBLING, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. YOU ARE HEALTHY, YOU ARE EDUCATED AND YOU ARE IN AMERICA. START YOUR COURSE, RESEARCH INTO BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES AROUND YOU, MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR NEIGHBOURS, USE THE INTERNET ETC AND BETTER YOURSELF. INSTEAD OF SITTING AROUND AT HOME DOING NOTHING ALL DAY, WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HANDS? CAN YOU SEW? BAKE? WRITE? KNIT? PAINT? DRAW? FIND SOMETHING DOING. There are many women who will kill to get to where you are now. Why is it that we don't recognise our blessings but we always complain that things are not fine with us. YOU better stop complaining that he doesn't love you and you don't love him. Was that a determining factor in the marriage? Love can grow and no marriage is terrible beyond repair. START MAKING YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY and you will find that you are happy too.

Kpakpando said...

was bella kidnapped by the yar'adua camp to ensure his victory abi na wetin? update biko... I'm getting carpal tunnel by clicking so much on this here blog address

Anonymous said...

ignore those that mentioned pregnancy. they are crazy. if you think you are trapped now, try having a kid in this horrible situation.

best thing you can do is get yourself together with the nursing program, get a job then leave. maybe things will change before then and you wouldnt have to leave however they might not so its best that you are prepared.

and what is with igbo people and their disdain for their language? it's so pathetic.

anyway its a shame you placed yourself into this but hopefully you will get yourself together.

-M.

Anonymous said...

Ms Bella

Can you now remove this please? Am worried her hubby through some rumour mill may get to see this and Mrs Trapped life will not be worth living.

Many blessings All

Anonymous said...

comment 98

Anonymous said...

comment 99

Omosefe said...

My sister, you are in America - YOU GET HALF OF ALL HE OWNS! If you leave, Half. Even a $300 lawyer can get you half! But get your stay first o! Becos America go deport you without stay. Remember - Get your stay and then get half! And let all these people who thot you were in it for the money know that they no be liars. HALF! HALF! HALF!!!!

Anonymous said...

comment 100!!
oya bella a new post we don tire for mrs. trapped

Queen Idia said...

It has nothing to do with love. The only difference with the love matter is that after he has humiliated you with his words and actions, he will come back later and say "Honey I am sorry, you know I love you".

Abuse is not just about physical beating. It is about control. There is nothing YOU can do to stop the abuse. HE has to stop abusing you. It is not about you being a "good wife" - He is an abusive man. Period! You will bring heaven and earth and he will say it is not enough. HE has the problem not you.

Do something o! Protect yourself, build your mind and know you are being abused and do not let him isolate you, don't let him beat you and don't let him control you. Because he will harm you and no one will know. When he completely strips you of your self-esteem, he will start to beat you and you will be like zombie as he calls the shots on your life.

True story in America - this happened in a Nigerian family. A man isolated his wife, and told her people not to call them. They called the police, Police said they saw her and asked if she was ok, she said yes (control). He contacted her family to tell them she was in a coma, they went to see her and she died a few days later. The woman's family till today has not been allowed to see autopsy. So they don't know cause of death Note: he never beat her, she was well educated but he was mentally abusing her.

My sister PRAY, PRAY HARD, FAST and watch out. Do not let this escalate . No form of abuse is acceptable. No one should be made to feel they are inferior - there is no reason for this.

flash naija said...

Was just reading bella naija's blog and i noticed mrs trapped's story. i feel her pain but i cant help but wonder why in igboland, parents give away their children to the highest bidder. And most of these girls are soo materialistic its mindboggling. No offense but i am sick and tired of hearing all these stories about how marriages dont work out because most times the couple barely know each other. Most of these men are looking for trophy wives. They feel that Nigerian girls in the western world are "too exposed" to be their wives. That is just crap. And i think most of these men have complexes with themselves and they feel they need to have women that they can dominate. Well i really wish her all the best but i would recommend if there are no kids involved and if it seems they are not making head way in terms of communicating, no be by force to stay married. Maybe by coming to ogbodo oyingbo she is going to meet her real life partner.

Ladybrille said...

Bella-wetin nah? Biko waterkiri. Oginni? I no be Ibo but I go manage. Nne weterem [give me] update! A ti pari advice. Ati ge, dissect, subdissect, o ti tan o! Life is hectic n I don't feel like hitting the gym today. I want my Bella fix now now!

Surviving with Truth said...

whatever you do, make sure you go to school AND get the right credentials (diploma, degree, whatever) BEFORE you take any major steps. The real reason (it seems to me) that your hubby is acting so inhuman is because he knows he has something over you. If you leave now, you'll be screwed (sorry, bu tyou will be,) so finish ur schooling (which is sure to increase your esteem anyway,) and then make your decision.
good luck, and do pray

Anonymous said...

mrs trapped -so much advice for u already,look at the most similar of the majority of these advice and go with it..which is develop urself and pray,finish school,get ur status,work on ur marriage then if it still doesnt work-ja!

anna karenina said...

Wow, lady you surely are in a pickle. Most people would kill to come to America but on the other hand living life like you are is simply cruel and unusual punishment and a perfect environment for you to develop severe depression. I agree with all the bright women who are telling you to hightail out of your cold marriage BUT before you pack yr bags this is what you do;
1. See a doctor and get some fool proof birthcontrol, you do not want to raise no kid in such an environment, hell you do not want to be a single parent in the United Stress of America, paying for child care alone will make you bankrupt !!
2 Finish your nursing degree, nursing is a highly profitable in the states and with an RN certification you will be able to support yourself just fine and get to work wherever you please in any of the 50 states. Also with RN certification your future employer can file papers for you to get a greencard easily(if you dont have one already).
3. Do not, i repeat DO NOT suffer in silence...thats the fastest way for you to get depression/psycho/mental illness. Try and get out of the house, make friends doesnt matter with who (ok doesnt mean you become friends with the crack hoe down the street i mean get a support network).
4. Get a job, it will keep you occupied and out of the house.
5. Always remember you can file for divorce and get half, google divorce laws in your state. Educate yourself on your rights (you do have right in America) dont just sit there idly & remember if he lays a hand on you you can always call 911.
6. Remember God helps only those who help themselves, millions of pple would like a chance to be in America, you have that chance so make the most of it.
7. Remember you can always go back home, you are Nigerian not Iraqi so when worse comes to worst and you cant take it anymore shiett..just leave, dont suffer...your parents will get over it after all YOU have only one life to live...they will be glad to have you back home ALIVE instead of picking you up in a box.
GOOD LUCK AND START ACTING SOON !!

omobade said...

Well this looks like a complicated issue only made complicated by Mrs Trapped bcos she didn't have enoff time to know who she was getting married to.
Even the little time you had was over the phone.
As a christian, divorce is not encouraged but one thing that's pointing you in the right direction is that you are in the States and into a nursing program.
My 2-cents is that you prove urself..you need to be smart and intelligent and with God's help you would get very far.
Now that you know where you stand in ur husband's life, i think you should start working on changing his impression of you. You can't change him but God can.
He saw you as cheap commodity i tell you...how would a man come from the states to naija to marry bcos he knows that the girlz in naija never open eye and are easily decieved by the glitters. Ask any babe in yankee dem go tell you say all them glitters no do anything for them bcos dem know wetin dem go thru to achieve their success and no man can ride them, its called equality...so the guy can't use what he has to make shakara for them.
God would offer you a way out if you focus on Him but in the mean time help urself. If posiible get an investment going if its easy for you to do that......save too. Finish ur Nursng degree and polish up ur acts. I tell u, the moment you begin to step out there he would slow down and study you.
Its easy to make friends..school and church for one introduces you to people and you dnt have to spill your issues to everyone you meet bcos that's setting urself up for bigger wahala. Just feed off from people you meet, get ideas of how to move up the ladder and before you know it, the heat is on! Your husband go tame himself quick! Just step up to his game!

Nne said...

Mmmmhhhh. I'm not married oh so i cant give insight on how to make that work but i agree with some of the previous posters that a lot will change when u find confidence in urself. the only person u can control in a relationship is YOU! I think what i'm hearing is a mixture of boredom, insecurity and fear in a new situation. Yeah it sucks that u are already married and things r like this...but each day is trully an opportunity for happiness. Talk to your husband. Try to remind him and urself of what started the attraction in the first place. Also try and adjust to your new surroundings and make friends as much as u can...heck...go site seeing or something. To be honest, i dont think u married a brute or an abuser...i think this is a situation of two people that really dont know each other and thus cant communicate. Find out who u are and learn who he is too.
PS: to all those who are condemning you, make una chill abeg!!!! not every one in naija lived in VI or Banana Island! i dont know this babe's situation but people in naija are hungry...and noone can say they wont have done they same if they were in her shoes...plus at least she liked the guy small sha...that's more that i can say for all those babes in naija chasing aristos! Gucci ko, Fendi ni!
My dear, be strong. God never gives us more than we can handle. Before u decide to pack ur bags or bring a baby into a currently loveless marriage, please try and make it work. Do everything in your power to let this guy see your worth...and please appreciate his too. God's speed!
By the way y is everyone assuming u get one young fine lover in naija???? am i missing something?

Anonymous said...

My MRS TRAPPED,

every1 has said their bit about the marriage but lets look @ another angle.

so u said u guys don't even kiss? hmmmmm he is probably getting those kisses and touching from elsewhere. problem with some of our Naija women is that they feel they should be docile lovers. because he took u abroad doesn't mean u should not take control of some activities in the home. if u want to kiss him kiss am. if u wan touch am u go right ahead. Maybe u should try and spark it up in the bed room that might provide a bit of entertainment in the house and with good loving there is no talk of levels heh? anyhow ever heard of sexy lingerie and some of those Ann summers toys? show him what u are made of a bit of wildness can come in handy.

Anonymous said...

My God! This advice thing na wahala o. I mean you have all kinds of people saying all kinds of stuff...you are probably more confused now than when you asked for help? Ultimately, you're going to follow your heart, but I'll let me just say my bit like the other 110 ppl before me...

I didn't read all 110 posts but of the few I read, I liked Babalaye's advice (ofcourse you can tell he's got a good head from reading his blog). The truth is, when you enter a new environment, for a period of time you'll feel lost, you feel like things aren't working, and you don't belong...it's natural, but in reality things are not always as bad as they seem. I'm sure once you are little more familiar with your environment, things we start to change, you will change (we all do), but like babalaye said, while you are waiting for things to take their course, make sure you and your husband don't drift apart. Get to know him (because you probably don't know him yet), let him get to know you, let him see those sides of you that he's bound to fall in love with. As per the accent make a conscious effort to polish your English and enunciate... (in all honesty, Nigerian English can be difficult to understand, if one wasn't born here, and didn't come from an aje "bora" (butter) family, it can be hard, but one's gotta try...I had to try)...and I don't mean develop an annoying "fone" accent. I'm glad you are starting school, give it your best shot 'cause it'll go a long way in getting you acquainted with the western ways/world.

Above all, the bible says in all your getting get WISDOM. Pray to God to give you wisdom to make this marriage work. Pray with faith, I have seen God move in situations like these and I'm sure your case can be no exception. Through wisdom, any way in marriage can be won.

Finally, ANY marriage, and I repeat ANY, requires a lot of hard work (even when you know that you know you married your God given spouse). It requires a lot of hard work from both parties but as women, we just do better in this area (I apologize to all the liberated females).

I pray that the peace of God that transcends all human understanding will keep your heart and soul together, and HIS wisdom will be your rear guard. The Lord who freed HIS children from their captivity will free you from this trap and usher you to your promise land.

~Shalom

Idemili said...

He may not be beating her but he sure as hell is abusing her emotionally. That has got to be worse because no one can see the scars on the inside. I wish I could tell her what to do since I know what I would do but there a re a lot of other factors to be considered.

I would leave though, shit.

onyi said...

i wouldn't tell MRS. Trapped to leave her husband yet, because it is very hard to leave on your own in America. Every marriage has an ups and downs. I will deffintly tell her to make friends good ones and don't even mention your problem to them because you can never trust friends. your problem should be yours....sort it out .....the best medicine to a dying marriage is communication. he doesn't kiss you ............kiss him dan it.........tell him you love him .asking him about his day at work..........make yourself important because it is your house too............start going out go for a walk to the park do not stay in one place all day b/c he is going to think you are a bum............make him a nice dinner and eat with him... clean out your self a little and reduce the igbo speaking a little so that you can keep on practicing you english but do not forget igbo either...........where clothes that outlines your shape get some make up .....make yourself up......look good when his friends come smile at them ask them how they are doing ........listen,,,, you are beautiful no matter what.....show off your beauty ..........do not get fat........cuddle up to him in bed ................if it means being a whore be a whore for christ sake he is your husband.