Thursday, February 08, 2007

AUNTY BELLA -MS. CATER 2 ME

I’m sooo sorry that this is late.
Anyway, today’s Aunty Bella is a bit more light-hearted than our previous case, ‘Ms. Misery’.
My friend called me a couple of days ago and related her story to me. I then told her to send it to me, which she did.
She’s been complaining about this over the last couple of months but I think it has reached its boiling point. Please offer her some advice.

Dear Aunty Bella readers,
Please don’t laugh o!
Valentine’s Day is next week and all of us in relationships are making plans for what to get our boyfriends and girlfriends.
Me, on the other hand am just dreading another dry Vals day.
The bottom line is that my boyfriend is STINGY.
We have been together for 4 years and I cannot identify one significant thing that he has bought for me.
For the first 2 and a half years of our relationship, we were doing long distance so around Val’s day, he would just call and send me e-cards. The excuse being that since I was far away he couldn’t really celebrate it the way he wanted. For my birthdays, he would fly to visit me and seeing him was my gift! Shoooo, it was nice seeing him and all but a card or dinner wouldn’t hurt!
Ever since we both moved to Lagos, it has turned to another story. Suddenly he doesn’t even believe in Vals day. Last year, this bobo deliberately (he denies it was deliberate) planned a business trip to London during that period. Don’t let me get started on my birthday. You know those handmade cards they make in Nigeria, that was all he got for me. The way bobo was grinning and smiling when he handed me the envelope eh, honestly I thought it might be tickets for 2 to Paris. When we go out, I find myself paying for my own drinks and even paying for our dinner. He says we are partners and we both have jobs so there is no big deal after all it is 2007 and I am a liberated independent woman (those are his favourite words ooo)
I am not being materialistic but if you see the bobo, you will understand what I’m talking about. He buys the best of the best for himself. The most expensive watches, suits, phone, car, travels first class.
We used to joke about his stinginess a lot but now I am a bit worried that he might be spending on some other girl. Our relationship is good though, you know when you just feel completely at ease with someone, no complications, I just feel like I’m home when I am with him. Did I forget to mention that I make such a huge effort when it comes to celebrating his birthdays and Vals day.
Please help me.
We have never really addressed the issue head-on, should I bring it up? I know he has had some issues with gold digging girls in the past, I guess that is why I overcompensated at the beginning of our relationship with the whole ‘I’m an independent woman’ schick! HELP!

Ms. Cater 2 Me

***Bella's addition
Thanks for the comments so far!
Let me just give u a bit more info on the issue since I know both of them - like on the real, apart from this stinginess, he treats her very very very well. Like he is the kind of person that when I see them together, even at a party he makes her feel like the only girl in the place...holding her hand etc..Like I've been with her and he would just randomly call or text to say - he loves her and appreciates her. If she feels sick, he leaves work and goes to chill with her. I guess that is why this issue is very puzzling. I also second her statement on dude spending on himself....he looks like he just walked out of GQ but I agree he is very stingy. haba, I have stories from when we all go out together, he totally expects her to 'handle' her bills!

54 comments:

chicka said...

d dude is seriously stingy jare!!! well, i'd suggest u talk'd 2 him abt it. its funny cos im also in a long distance relationship, so dis vals day wld be borin 4 me as well. but 1ce we r off d distance thng, i beta get compensated 4 all d bdays, valentine's or wat have u. so gurlfriend, d "independent" thing, is a smart ass xcuse 4 him 2 be stingy. beta still, y dont u stop buyin thngs 4 him 2...u kno play d game with him as well. i did it and it worked 4 me.

Kpakpando said...

Some men say they're testing women when they pull stunts like this, but haba after 4 years he's still testing. If he hasn't figured out you're not a gold digger by now, then he needs to let you go. That mofo isn't putting any effort because he knows he doesn't have to, truth is you've let him get away with it long enough, what's his motivation to act right now. Cut that independent woman bull, nonsense I bet Oprah still gets gifts and guestures from Stedman, and she can own like 50 million of him. Tell him chivalry is not dead, and you had just better stop paying for your drinks, if he can't afford to take you out, then he needs to come holla on payday.
From this post I don't get the sense that you're necessarily looking for trinkets and baubles, but more for the effort and thoughtfulness put into it. I would suggest having a conversation with him about why you like celebrating certain holidays and how his guestures (or lack of them) translate to you. Eg: You know I like celebrating valentine's day, and when you don't do anything special for valentine's day, I feel as though you don't care about me etc"
Ms. Cater 2 me, if you plan on marrying this dude, he's just showing you how selfish and thoughtless he is. Don't act brand new if you get married and it gets worse. Nip this shege in bud.
E-card ndi nmuo!

Dammie said...

HABA!!....4 YEARS, and he may still be overcompensating...the girl should not give excuses for such a behaviour.

He is just STINGY!!....If this is their only problem...I guess she'll have to live with it...maybe he'll come around...but in the meantime the girl should stop buying gifts and trying to celebrate his b-day or whatever

Meanwhile, Bella...I can't wait to get my Vals gift. I'm really excited about my iPhone!!!

XxGod bless youxX LoL.

Anonymous said...

My advice to you would be to sit down and have a conversation with him. I was in the same situation. My bf of six years was extremely stingy, when it came to others, but when it came to buying things for himself it was no holds bar. It got to the point where people noticed and I had to cover up for him. He had the same excuses...he doesn't celebrate Vals day...or he doesn't see the importance of sharing gifts during Christmas...but he never rejected the gifts people gave him...Like I said six years...at first I didn't want to bring up the topic but I had to because it was bothering the hell out of me. We had the same conversation like 8- 10 times, but this last time something must have clicked because he has suddenly changed. I also prayed that if this would be a main factor to the cause of problems in marriage that I would just like to end it. So basically pray seriously about it, sit him down and discuss how you feel.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

This is definately a problem.

Its as if he has gotten used to you that he does not cherish you or feel that you have any worth.

Im not saying that purchasing gifts for you is a way of showing you your worth to him, but I am saying on those occassions when it is necessary certianly would not go amis.

Many may use the excuse that they don't celbrate Valentines, becasue of what it stands for, but then, what about your birthdays, or promotion, or a celbration. What will the excuse be.

I also feel that because you have allowed him to get away with somuch - he probably think, you have no problem with it.

So like Anonymous say, you need to hold the bull by the horn and sit him down and talk about it. Becasue lets face it, if God forbid tomorrow you had no job, and you were married, does that mean he wount provide. Becasue He's used to not giving you any, means only cheap food will be provided and you will have to keep wearing your clothes for as many years you are off work.

If he likes spending money on himself - say if he wasn't selfish - then he has no problem speninding it - he just has problems spending it on YOU - and that is not good.

Maybe you should start by asking him, what he thinks about you, in terms on goals, and if he identifies you as someone who needs a man to survive. If his answers are postive, then why does he treat you as a money grabber - cause lets face it - the best way to treat a money grabber - is by not giving them any.

Now if he doesnt see you as one - is it so bad to spend a penny on you.

Rememebr even royalties are givien gifts. The celebrities get free gift. King SOLOMON had many kings from all over the world come and give him gift.

So all that because you can afford it shouldn't be an excuse. Cause even the rich are given.

So luvie, as you plan to sit him down and discuss this - also pray about it. Pray Faverantly, and it will be well.

All that gold digger rubbish should no longer be used as an excuse. He's had four years to find out that you are not one.

Stay blessed.

TaureanMinx said...

I don't think you are asking for too much. If you spend on him, why is he having a problem spending on you. I think you need to explain to him how you see things. How the gesture shows affection and that he appreciates you. I don't care what anyone says, receiving gifts makes you feel great. You are not asking for it everyday, occassional gestures would be nice. Sit and talk to him since your relationship is good.

I personally cannot keep giving and not receiving. It breeds resentment.

As for anonymous...6 years...WOW

NaijaBabe said...

wow, she needs to sit down and have a talk with him, kapish!

bimbylads said...

now thats deep! u need to settle this issue fast fast.. because, things like this cause a lot of divorce.. my mum always says to me, if u must marry a man, make sure he is not selfish/stingy.. its something u gas to sort out before he proposes marriage.. but as he stingy so.. i wonder what he will propose with.. maybe he wont believe in engagement rings.,,hmm ok.. thats totally digressing..
Good luck sista! :)

SEM said...

If a guy really loves a lady they usually are not that stingy, they always want to please her and but a smile on her face.
You may think, this is not a problem now, but it will later breed resentment towards him and eventually affect ur feelings towards him.
I can bet u feel excitment when u get him a gift and cannot wait to see his reaction when u hand it to him. Why should he not want to feel that way too.
Really analyze the relationship and ask urself what sacrifices has he made for the relationship, i.e time etc. If he is selfish with gifts, he will also be with other things.

Gods child said...

If he is not buyin u things after 4 years.. chances are he wont be doing it when u get married!! wake up call after 4 years, is he talking marriage??? cuz he might be too cheap to buy the ring... there is plenty more fish in the sea... dump now cry later! The blessings of the lord maketh rich and addeth no sorrow... gOD KNOWS UR HEART ABEG.. HE WONT HAND HIS DAUGHTER SCRAPS.. Y should u have to pay for what his x girl friends did. abeg he should get ova it. ur husband should make u feel special. I can imagine the pain u feel when bdays and stuff come around.. and his cheap ass has d nerve to get u a card.. my ex boyfriend pulled stupid stunts like that. Girl I dont even know if that dude is in jail now or dead! GONE WITH THE WIND!

Doreen said...

OH HELL NO!!!!!

Valentine's day and my birthday must be ETCHED in stone from DAY ONE.
"Thou shalt not screw up those days"...

Doreen said...

You need to sit down and talk to him about how you feel and please QUIT buying him elaborate presents...So when you give him nice gifts he likes it abi LOL...rubbish.

Anonymous said...

GODS CHILD..I AM SENDING YOU A BIG E-KISS NOW....GIRL U SAID IT ALL.
reading this girls story walahi,i found it irritating....after what stage?a man is still not taking care of you?
girl u are stewpid..a mugu in fact.
is it after you marry that you expect him to change?
do you want to be that sore thumb amongst your friends that would never have things from her man to show off?
when ur contemporaries are blinged out and things you will be wearing your kpanda abi?
my dear in fact if you were my sister i will personally whip ur yansh.
but thank God i dont have mugu sisters that will be talking dis kain rubbish.
WHAT?????? INFACT...U NEED HELP FOR STICKING WITH SUCH A STINGY PIECE OF SHIT.
DUMP HIS ARSE...4 YEARS KO,20 LIFETIMES NI...

bibi said...

i dont even know what to say...i feel ur pain...i wont tell u to dump him...but after 4 years and he still acts this way, hes def not going to change...except a MIRACLE happens..he's prolly oblivious to this...someone needs to call him out and tell him abt himself...

if you feel u can deal with it ..then stay..uve been there for 4yrs..wth...WE CANT HAVE IT ALL...lol..i had an ex who was stingy...his excuse was he was going thru financial trouble @ the time...but he still found money to buy the latest ferragamo slippers 4 himself...talk abt priorities...

u said he flies 1st class..so lets say u travel with him thats even f he offers...will he buy u a coach tix?...i dont understand.and y do u have to pay when u guys go out..u can sometimes..but NOT ALL THE TIME...

Anonymous said...

she didnt say what she has been buying for her guy. if she has bought lots of stuffs and he hasnt given anything good in return then you can complain. If you havnt then the battle is equal

Kpakpando said...

I would hope he's treating her well in other regards, otherwise why stick around? But Ms. Cater to me needs to have an honest and open (vs. veiled and beating around the bush) conversation about how she perceives and inteprets his stinginess. If after expressing how she feels homie doesn't shape up, she needs to reevaluate, because unless he wants to change it's probably never goign to happen.
I aslo recommend her reading this book with him, the 5 love languages. Its a great tool (regardless of faith) for couples, to understand how we give and receive love and help couples reach an understanding. According to the book, it seems as though she receives love, via receiving gifts and sees him giving gifts as a true expression of his commitment to her (book speaking, I studied business is school ) and until Mr. caterer understands that this is important to her and how she perceives his inaction, he's not moved to do anything. In fact she's been miscommunicating what she wants by allowing the shege to happen.
BETTI, THE GUY IS NOT ASHAMED THAT HIS GIRL IS PAYING FOR HERSELF ALL THE TIME? God forbid bad thing!

Anonymous said...

your story is the same as mine. my husband started this before we got married, cheap-ass bastard, wants the best, gucci, thomas pink, the whole nine yards, but when it comes to me, nothing or some cheap-ass gift from target or walmart, and this guy won't even shop at macy's for himself. shops at the best stores in new your, london, milan,etc. so, guess what i did, i turned tables on him, gave him nothing on his birthday, not even a card, just sent him ae email from work. x-mas came did the same thing, by vals day he started dropping hints for me regarding his gift, me, omota fun re mi, bought him nothing, come see fight my sister, long story short, i told him pay back is a bitch. it's not about goldigging, giving gifts to your significant other is only saying one thing, you really appreciate them period.
come see my man now, even when there is no occasion, he dey buy me orisirisi, even send gift to my work too.
you can try my trick, hopefully, it works for you the way it worked for me.

Anonymous said...

Since I'm after another married anon, I will say this, been there , done that, 3 years of marriage and i have a bad case of RESENTMENT.Throughout our relationship I carried us, and after marriage he wanted to hide finances from me, he has mis-managed his credit and now wants me to fix it for "us". My credit rating is fantastic. It is the thought that counts, if he does not have good taste and money. This man seems to have both. If at this statge he can not part with his money and buy birthday gifts, talk less of vals, he will not after he marries you, as far fetched as this might seem, he will not open up about finances after marriage either. Besides one who can afford to "travel" can afford to send even perfume from london via UPS.

Move on or address the issue head on. After 4 years, you are no longer considered a gold digger.

Anonymous said...

sweetie- your boyfriend's obviously not that nice and it's probably only going to get worse. He doesn't have to buy you diamonds and jewels on your birthday or valentine's day but, please if he's buying the very best for himself, I don't understand why he can't buy you a decent card on your birthday. Stop making excuses for him, talk to him about it, if he doesn't listen, you have some serious decisions to make as it will only get worse. Trust me on this..I have a fantastic, extremely loving and wonderful husband who will stop at nothing to fulfil all my wants and needs and I do the same for him and we've been together for four years total. Love is reciprocal and this goes for evey aspect of a relationship.

Favoured Girl said...

I think he just doesn't see the need to give you things, if he thinks he treats you right in every other way. I think you should tell him that receiving thoughful presents is a very important expression of love to you. Make him realise that there needs to be a balance in giving and receiving. If he likes to receive nice things from you, then he should aprreciate and reciprocate! If you gave him the idea that you are "financially independent" so you do not need presents, find a way to change his view, that it is not just the present that matters, but the thoughts behind it.

Waffarian said...

If you don't confront this issue now, you will find yourself having to deal with the children(assuming you get married and have kids)school fees, sportswear, birthday gifts etc, while he spends his cash on himself, new car, golf club........you get my drift. Having said that, there is only one remedy for this solution. You wait untill he really fucks up(the kind that you know he'll definitely come begging) and then you get really upset and while you are talking about whatever he fucked up about, you bring up the "stingy" issue as well. So the argument goes like this:"its not only this one, there are lots of things that are not just right with our relationship etc", and then you state your case! don't forget to add how you feel "unwanted", "as if it is by force" etc, well, I am sure you how the rest goes! Good luck!

chainreader said...

Talk, talk, talk to him. That's all the advice i have. Am not so good at this.

In my head and around me said...

I am glad that you took time to let us know that the other aspects of the r/ship are good. However, if this bad aspect overshadows everything, then we clearly have a problem on our hands.

It's like this: Some girls are actually the independent sort (that you are currently pretending to be) and will not give a fig about receiving presents. Crazy, but true. Now if on the other hand, you are not like that and cannot be like that, then there's no point letting him believe that it's okay. I mean, you probably want to mary this guy. Can you live your life like this for the next 20 years? The resentment will definitely overtake the love.

Talk to him about it. And then based on his reaction and most importantly his actions after that, you can decide on where the r/ship has to go.

I wish you the best.

Now that I've said it all lady-like and diplomatic-like, let me also add that a friend of mine is a strong believer that " If he ain't spending it on you HONEY! he's spending it on some other girl".

Don't get short-changed just because you want to be a 'nice girl'. It's unnatural to keep giving and not receive anything back.

And girl, I still wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

@BELLA...JO JESU NI MO FI BE..(I TAKE JESUS BEG YOU..)dont come and help your friend sugar coat the stingy tight arsed bastard here.
who gives a fuk if he treats her like a delicate rare egg in public...if he likes he should wear apron and cook peppersoup for her when she is ill..all dat one na story...the muthafuker needs to be called out A.S.A.P. or she should dump him...BUYING HER A RAZZ NAIJA MADE CARD.is he mad???
has he lost his senses?
infact he is a prick.
an african man?that cannot and would not provide for his woman?is he sick in the head??
infact your friend is very silly.how old is she?12?that a man will be ragabuffing her brain like that.
who the hell sent her to be doing independent woman?
all this foolish girls be follow following beyonce and co u hear...
no be beyonce sing say..anoda bish go dey rock evrytin if she let im man go??(ring d alarm)
is that the voice of an independent woman??
nonsense...
infact come hear let me pull your ear,spank you hard and talk sense into u.
ED.

Anonymous said...

omo..you have to call them out on it o !!!! i remember one christmas with my ex-boyfriend...i got him a sleek digital camera and he got me a teddy bear in return...imagine a frigging teddy bear..wtf...am a grown ass woman...shuuu....i had to sit him down and explain the art of gift giving....its not too late girl..u guys most definitely need to sit & talk.

AroseIsStillaRose said...

If you feel this way now, how do you want to be treated as a future mother? How will your daughters see you, see themselves, when their popsy doesn't give a rats ass to buy them shyt? I should know, I am his daughter. He never ONCE bought me a LICK for my birthdays. I would write out lists of the shoes I wanted and place it on my desk, he would come snooping through my room and see it but as usual, nothing. I had to bear a miserable day of being in the house alone with him on a hot day on my birthday while my mother had travelled.
How do you think I valued myself as a girl in future relationships? It wasn't until Divine Intervention when I discovered the true love of a Father that would rain me with blessings, those sought and not even thought of, that I realised how much I should really expect from the men in my life.

PLEASE. Stop disrespecting yourself. You settling bills Im sure has raised whispers amongst your friends. Dont make your daughter resent you for settling for a seedy, greedy (miserly) bastard. DESIGNER SUIT OR NOT. Thats all booooshyt. Girls are flowers and we are meant to be fed and nourished by them, else we lilt and wither away.












ps... EXCESSIVE DIVA, We 'hoe' who you are lol!!! Anytime all day ;)

Anonymous said...

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!!!LOL

tatafo! said...

lol i guess this is not so light hearted compared to Ms. Misery lol
All i can say is, na how you make your bed, na so you go take lie on top of am.

BabsBETA said...

MS. CATER 2 ME what are you still doing with him? I mean, if its 4yrs i guess you are expectin' him to pop the question sometime.

Squre it out with the guy I beg.

I'm a man and I can say that along with time and public acceptance the only other indication of commitment is money.

And if you must know money atimes is the strongest indication.

Nyemoni said...

Communicate, communicate, communicate. You need to tell him... I can imagine how you feel, I know you'd feel like a gold-digger telling him cos there's no nice way to say it, but there's no way around it...Let him know and take it up from there...Good luck!

snazzy said...

On the gift giving thing I can see the issue, in that the babe feels like he does not appreciate her, but I don't get the other part.

That the fact that she has to buy her own drinks and pay for dinner could be a deal breaker in a relationship that is in her own words excellent otherwise. I mean can you really advise someone to end a relationship over 10 grand worth of cocktails?

Some might argue that it is a principle thing. But I would argue that there is a big difference between a choice and an obligation. Giving a gift to your partner on vals day, birthdays and even as a surprise is an obligation and should be treated as such, but buying her drinks and dinner is a choice.

elejo said...

YAY 32nd!!

gurrl, he's just not that into you.

Ivie said...

Hey girl. I was reading this just as a matter of interest...and then I read all the comments. Peeps be spittin' venom for real. Anyway, if he is a good man as bella say and if you guys are compatible in every other way i.e. you like the way he treats you in every other way. There are only two ways to go. Be candid. Talk to him and let him know how you really feel and ask him to be honest with you. If he is anything like the man Bella describe, you can resolve this before it become a big issue.

No.2 Prayer. Dont laugh o! You will be amazed at what you can attain on your knees. I'm telling you.

Don't take on all the swearwords and mastiness that peeps are spewing here. This may be his faulty aspect and that does not make him all those horrible names.

N.B This advice only applies 'if' he is the good man that you say he is.

hook,line,sinker+fisherman said...

nsogbu dikwa!

i'm not so sure of the potency of the solutions i see from skimming thru these comments... ...why? cos they seem to suggest "sending a message" dat one na to force d guy hand to treat u good... ...situations like this lend some credibility to the thunderbolt factor.. ..u sure say d guy is feelin' u like u're feelin' him?
despite the fact say i be okoroman and we are known to go on the flashmode when giving, i still know plenty men out there that their thoughts are frequently on the i-need-to-up-my-income-make-i-fit-take-the-treats-for-my-woman-to-the-next-level lane!

on a parting note... i no mean make the guys dey do the biz trip and be sending dhl packs of exotic gifts back to the lady o! the balance dey neccessary o!

law_damsel said...

lollll, oh my gosh i like ur honesty, if im stingy, make i give u one prayer point...i cant find d page, when i find it i' let u know.. woh im cracked up

Dipo Tepede said...

Wow!

I found out that almost all the commentators were ladies if not all.

I can also bet you that half the ladies that are advocating "Stinginess on the part of the Guy" would never let such men go if they have them as their own.

Women are kind of funny; you want to be equal with men and you also want to feel special by letting him treat you by buying you gifts.


Truth be told, you have got yourself a good man here and I shouldn't tell you that good men are hard to find because they are.

Na wa for you o; you said it yourself, you feel at home with him. Let me let you into something else that all the commentators above did not tell you-

THERE IS NO PERFECT MAN!

If you know what is good for you, you better grab this man with BOTH HANDS

Every relationship goes through process; if the process of making this man become "unstingy" (Your word not mine) is the cross you have to carry as a unique person, you better do or you may bite your fingers!

Anyway, why not read the article 7 REASONS WHY FEMALE GET HURT


Ciao

Dipo Tepede
www.dipotepede.com

zaiprincesa said...

lol..girrrl, i feel your pain..and i have a friend who's in a similar situation, so i'll tell you the same thing i told her. If the man is good to you, as in, really good to you, then thank God for that. One thing i realize with some men is that, if you come across to them as , "i can take care of myself, i dont need your money", they'll take that literarily, and run with it. If you do not speak up about ur feelings, he will never know. If you and ur boo are tight like that, then you should be able to tell him how u feel, just try to phrase it in a tactful manner, so as not to offend him. Good luck though..

Lolita said...

Ms. Cater 2 Me, poor poor poor Ms. Cater 2 Me,

The problem any woman will have in any relationship, any, with her man, her child, her doctor, her lawyer, her God, even HERSELF, any I say again, any, is not being honest.

DISHONESTY!

That word is the number one KILLER of any relationship!

You were not being true to yourself by deciding to overcompensate because he has had issues with gold digging girls in his past!

I'd say that was your problem from the onset and that started a domino effect on the rest of your relationship. You wanted to be with him so badly you became somebody else.

Listen, there is cause and causality! Because of your initial behaviour, he has responded based on what you presented.

Sadly, I am not sure that there is a remedy because you have been somebody else for four years, to start talking about this with him means that your persona has morphed into someone different and that means he has to change his view of you too; which may end up having a negative effect!

Take this as a learning experience!

I can say you made your bed so you must lie in it, but we all know what resentment brings.

So in the end, trust honesty, start from the beginning and tell him how you had to be someone else so he could feel comfortable with you but now you feel a little short-changed, and just see where things go from there.

I wish you well!

Cheers!

EXCESSIVE-DIVA said...

SORRY TOO MANY ERRORS WHEN I POSTED AT FIRST HAD TO REPOST,,

@ DIPO TEPEDI..who says there is a perfect man?she would be living in cuckooland to want a perfect man..BUT MUST HIS OWN IMPERFECTION BE STINGYNESS?
YOU ARE TELLING HER THAT TRYING TO MAKE HIM "UNSTINGY" MIGHT BE A CROSS SHE HAS TO BEAR.
WHAT IS SHE??? JESUS EFFING CHRIST?TO BE CARRYING UNNECESSARY CROSS AROUND?
is it too much for a girl to want to be pampered by her man??
ko fuking fun the fact that he is a good man oh..good ko..rotten ni.
shio..
infact im getting more irritated by the second because i have seen first hand what happens a lot of times when girls marry men like these.
its different if he didnt have..he could be struggling(YUKK!!)dat one is for women who like struggling men,not my cuppa,but in that instance then if he doesnt buy her nothing no yawa..as long as she too isnt buying jack...they sit at home and eat scotch egg and drink gari together.abi??
but he comes across as a safe sorted guy...
my own conclusion is that he is a useless BOY.
does he have parents?
i mean a lot of our folks took pride in taking care of our mums now..
so where is his own coming from??

as for me,emi,as i stand here..GOD KNOWS that i cannot ever,ever,do independent WOman with ANY MAN..EVER..no matter how much i have in the bank and how successful i am.
okunrin laman soro nipa yii...
hmm

EXCESSIVE-DIVA said...

@LOLITA...PLEASE U DESERVE A STANDING OVATION..couldnt have said it better...
okay i need to leave this blog now oh..before my colleagues wonder why im screaming at the screen.cus they already suspect my sanity sef...

Uzo said...

LOL...Well he is almost perfect.

Gbemi's Piece said...

Sounds cliche but he's really not that into you. They say to follow the money. Where is he spending his money? Obviously, what he does with his money is proof of what is important to him. In this case, it's not you. My suggestion would be to quit spending any more money on him. Tell him you can't go out to dinner or drinks because you can't afford it. Hopefully, he'll get the message and either man up or get lost.

Dipo Tepede said...

@ Excessive-Diva

I dont think I am in the sport to argue but if the basis of your choice of man is "Stinginess", I believe you have your opinion to live with.

Nanya said...

I completely agree with some of these comments; as Tminx said one sided anything breeds resentment so if babe makes a lot of effort and dude doesnt then it will probably manifest somehow. They need to talk about it and come to some kind of agreement cos its obviously an issue and pretending it isn't doesn't help anyone. Also, the idea that he's dealt with golddiggers in the past being an excuse for this is really annoying; he's been with her for 4 yrs--thats an issue he shoulda let go since.

Kpakpando said...

I know this is not really the forum, but Dipo, omo you vex me sha, no be small! I don't think anyone else here implied that a perfect man does exist (shoot I think we'd all have an easier time meeting the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow with a pot of gold), but this bobo right now isn't perfect for her. His behavior is the type that will one day make her put too much salt in his food.

I hate when men try to tell us to settle for what we have as though we aren't meant for better! A stingy man is not her cross to bear, that shege never ends, so she needs to stop grinning and bearing it. It'd be one thing if Mr. Stingy doesn't buy anything for anyone, but clearly he likes to treat himself. And its not like she's asking for diamond earrings just because, it's her birthday and valentine's day! Men come across as assholes sometimes, they want to be treated like kings by their women, but not willing to put in the work. Is there any king you know of that let his concubines be out there slaving, talk less of his wife? No. So if a man is unwilling you to treat you like a queen (and you vice versa) this should be a bright red mufugging flag. He doesn't want you as part of his kingdom. Good man or not. If someone shows you who they are believe them. So the gold diggers in the past, didn't he treat them? But you the good one should be there swallowing shit and paying for it too.

I agree with Lolita, Ms. C2M misrepresented herself, allowing the boosheet to go on for so long, now all of a sudden she wants to change things up. It's really not all that fair to him. Sha Ms. C2M you settled for his crap and obviously it bothers you, you need to quit settling or quit complaining. If after 4 years he can't/won't/doesn't know how to treat you the way you want to and deserve to be treated, don't be fooled by Dipo, there is another man out there willing to do it. Sure he might not be all huggy and kissy in public like this one, but he might be everything that's important to you. Sha just make sure you are honest with yourself and him too.

Anonymous said...

Can you cope with stingy?You think you can now but if you marry him prepare to pay for EVERYTHING in the home...kid's school fees,clothes,rent..it gets worse when there are real responsibilities. He sounds just like my dad when he was courting my mom..never spent money on her but he was always dressed to the hilt in designers and such..anyway,fastforward many years later and my mom single handedly carried the whole financial BURDEN of the union.Needless to say it was too much to bear and tore the marriage apart.It gets worse when there are real issues. Be very careful.I warn you my dear.

Angela! said...

Tell your girl to run...FAST! run...yeah it sounds really cute now and all, but she will be surporsed how this seemingly small issue NOW can explode inot a major disaster in the near future. By the way, she needs to stop making excuses for him and calling him stingy...the word is SELFISH. Dude is simply selfish and like someone once said, she is being dishonesty to herself. Women need to stop short changing themselves thinking they can't have it all...remember, if he is stingy to you, he will be stingy to your family and that would be embarassing. LOL....

Anonymous said...

A man will try to get away with as much as you let him get away with. You know what??? This situation is really not as complicated as it is being made out to be. The solution is VERY SIMPLE!!! First of all, make sure you and your man are on good terms with each other. Next, just sit him down and tell him how you feel in a very detailed and calm manner. Don't get emotional, and make sure you do not lose your temper. You have been dating this guy for 4 years by now you should be able to tell him everything. Make sure you say everything you have to say o!!! Let him know how much this issue has been bothering you. YOU DO NOT have to prove that you are not a golddigger to ANYONE after 4 years!!! Listen to what he has to say. He can either be defensive and get angry or he might see the truth in what you are saying. Either/or, set an ultimatum for urself and watch his behaivour!!!! If he does not change, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! If he loves you, he will work on this.
The truth is bitter but these are the best years of your life you should not waste them with someone that does not love you!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear, You've got to have a real serious conversation with your boyfriend. I cannot think of anything worse than a stingy husband. If he is stingy now, he will only get worse. It may be the attitude you put forth initially or his past experiences with gold diggers, whatever it is, you resent the result and you have got to be honest with yourself.

After 4 years, if he still see's you as a gold digger, calas!! But, you cannot refuse to be honest with yourself. A man who thinks he is good enough to travel first class and wear expensive wrist watches should not have to be told to hook his gal up for her birthday and val's day. Come on! His gal of four years?

If he does not sit up after you speak to him, he may have money issues that will become really serious after you get married. In my opinion, when you love someone, you like to see them smile, you like to give them things, your generosity to them in all arenas is a source of joy to you.

I don't like that he makes a point of making you pay everywhere you go. Who pays in a relationship that is this long should not be such a rigid thing. It is whoever. I find this particularly strange for a materially well off Nigerian man. It is like he has a wall that he is not willing to tear down for love's sake. I think both people should pay when you go out and it should not be such a big deal.

Make sure you sort this out before you marry this guy o. And, please, pray about it. Prayer can work wonders. Trust me, you want these issues sorted before marriage.

Soul Sista (NVS)

Anonymous said...

Aunty mi, SS!!
Can't believe you're here! I absolutely love your diary. Best of wishes with Baboos.

aknDee said...

hi everybody.i must confess its abit disturbing reading this story,i am a man and cant afford treating my angel of 2 years this way.i can remember aw many gifts av bought for her in this life man and am just building my businesses.just some few minutes ago i gave her a call and sadly we couldnt spend d day together cos am presently in Joburg.i bought 4 of every 5 things u see on her or with her,hardly can i remember getting anything from her o.wel i am a man and wont advice u breaking up but use ur mind pls.dat dude dosent really appreciate and worth u...if u are worth it to him,he will do everything to get u the best(within d reach of is pocket).its my pride to get my angel something....4 yrs is enough to predict the future man...i can tell u dis is d way i will treat her in future cos an used to it and i love doing it.dat dude is stingy..dame stingy..sit him down and talk to him...my girl despite getting nice things stil demands and ask for changes in type or make at tmes and i do it happily.pls sis try arrange urself ..dat dude may not be thinking about marrying u as wel...u have to talk..it healthy for every relationship.God bless you.

Anonymous said...

hi everybody.i must confess its abit disturbing reading this story,i am a man and cant afford treating my angel of 2 years this way.i can remember aw many gifts av bought for her in this life man and am just building my businesses.just some few minutes ago i gave her a call and sadly we couldnt spend d day together cos am presently in Joburg.i bought 4 of every 5 things u see on her or with her,hardly can i remember getting anything from her o.wel i am a man and wont advice u breaking up but use ur mind pls.dat dude dosent really appreciate and worth u...if u are worth it to him,he will do everything to get u the best(within d reach of is pocket).its my pride to get my angel something....4 yrs is enough to predict the future man...i can tell u dis is d way i will treat her in future cos an used to it and i love doing it.dat dude is stingy..dame stingy..sit him down and talk to him...my girl despite getting nice things stil demands and ask for changes in type or make at tmes and i do it happily.pls sis try arrange urself ..dat dude may not be thinking about marrying u as wel...u have to talk..it healthy for every relationship.God bless you.

Miss Pearse said...

O goodness...the other comments are hilarious...Y'all should stop swearing for another persons boyfriend o!

Babes,...Reciprocity is the KEY to 95% of our issues in Life...
Do me, I do you God no go Vex...It's bad enough you let it go on for so long...so Now here's what you should do...

GIVE HIM NOTHING...Since he likes gifts and expensive minks..., On his birthday, send him a Nigerian made text message from the bottom of your arse. On vals day, tell him you sent a shout via Ray-Power 100.5,...On Christmas call him at midnight and make sure you emphasize that you were really really tired, but stayed up regardless to say Merry Christmas to your Boo...

He'll wonder what hit him!!! Muhhhahahahaha!!!!!Pay back is a Bitch...I Like.

Anonymous said...

You need to call him out. I am married to a man like that. Wanted to be seen as independent. It caused major issues after we got married, almost broke us up. We've just started resolving issues now after 5 years. It only breeds resentment. Trust me. You need to call him out. If you don't it will never change. If he really loves you he will.

P.S. I am always suspicious of guys that claim not to celebrate vals day. If they are always AWOl on vals day, know that they are celebrating it with someone else.