Thursday, January 18, 2007

AUNTY BELLA - MISS MISERY

Hey everyone,
So I had already planned and chosen another Aunty Bella letter for today but I got this one yesterday and I was so moved by it that I had to share it with you guys immediately!
I will also do updates on previous Aunty Bella cases later today.
Please offer her some advice. Thanks!

Dear Aunty Bella,

Don’t want to sound all mushy but these Aunty Bella letters are helping people out. Reading some of the responses and comments people have left on previous occasions has given me a new perspective on my things.
Bella my situation is weighing heaving on my mind. I entered 2007 being absolutely miserable. I was wailing and crying in church, hoping that God would lift this burden off me.
I am sure many people are wondering what is wrong with me.
Nothing is wrong with me. I am healthy and successful and for that I am eternally grateful to God almighty.
Bella I am a strong woman, people see me outside and remark that I seem so put together, cool, calm and collected but inside I am burning.
I am in my mid-thirties and I am not married. I know that is not the worst thing in the world but it has just gotten to the point that I cant help but start wondering if I am cursed. I am not in a relationship, every relationship I enter ends dramatically and sadly. Leaving me heartbroken.
Believe me I am not one of those women that feel a woman’s ultimate purpose in life is to be a wife. I think that is so yesterday but still I just cant help feeling down. All my friends have LONG been married with children that can walk and talk. This Christmas, 2 of my younger ones got married!
Can you imagine, that my father previously refused to their fiances’ request because he was waiting for me to get married first! As at last xmas, the man got tired and just agreed. I think he has already given up hope that I will even walk down that aisle.
I have even stopped attending weddings because they just make me feel mad, I cant help but question why it isn’t me in that white dress.
I recognize so many of the City People brides as ‘juniors’ from my secondary school days. Please place yourself in my shoes and just imagine how that felt.
I am not looking for pity, just advice.
My longest relationship has been only a year. The rest just fizzle out before long. People are always whispering that I cannot keep a man.
I am praying, I am always praying. I left my catholic church for one of the Pentecostal churches hoping that I could reach out to God with more powerful 'fire for fire' prayers - e jo no laugh, this is true talk!
I was never a wild and crazy girl. I never dated married men, never did ‘aristos’ and all those things.
Please Aunty Bella readers, help! Don’t be offended if I sound forceful or miserable in the email. I am just being brutally honest.
Just a note, there are many women I know in their 30s, 40s even 50s who are unmarried and very happy. I am not trying to belittle you. I love your strength and resolve and wish I could emulate that.

Thanks,
Miss Misery From Nigeria

Wow!
Please offer her some advice!
Thanks…

42 comments:

GODS CHILD. said...

Hi
First of all the fact that your name is "Miss Misery" really tells me you have accepted that u are miserable, recognising your misery is one thing but accepting it is another. I will not offer my opinion because it really doesnt count, I see ur christian, stand on the WORD OF GOD.. Without faith it is impossible to please God..pray without ceasing, the ferverent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. When you pray believe that you have already received. Dont keep praying for the same thing, God is not deaf he has heard you, start thanking him for what he has already done. You see its our attitude while we are waiting on God that counts.. the bible says he knows our heart he knows what you want..so believe he can do it. Dont limit or doubt God. Speak it into existence. Delay is not denial my dear! Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.. Seek him oh!!!!! You say you are not looking for pity, however it sounds like you are wallowing in self pity even though you dont show it. Abeg, Jesus came that we might be free..FREE FROM EMOTION, burdens and anything that causes u not to be happy. Be happy for others. go to weddings.. WHY NOT. you cant expect to be blessed when ur not happy for others who are blessed. It is not a competition on who gets married 1st..(gosh who knows if their own will even last) release it onto God and rejoice while u are waiting. if he did it for your siblings he will surely do it for you. You may not know how, u may not know when.. GOD WILL DO IT AGAIN! Allow him to prepare you. Sweetie the best is yet to come. You latter will be greater. I will put "MiSS Misery" in my prayers.. Take care..

Cassie said...

I totally agree with God's Child. Please do not cry, crying does not change anything, I'm sure after you cried you felt good with yourself, but what did that change? NOTHING! In this new year you should rejoice for the things that he has done in your life. God wants good things for his children. Marriage is good and therefore, it is yours. You should read the word of God and proclaim it to yourself. You need to build up your faith and you can only do that by hearing and hearing the word. Don't compare yourself to others, we are all unique in our own right. Instead build yourself up, the right man will be attracted to you in no time! There is joy in your singledom, use it before you loose it! You won't regret that I tell you, use this time to develop yourself, don't just pray, be practical, believe what you are praying for, no fire by fire will fire anything! No more misery for you!

AKDee said...

hi,i am not in a position to judge this sister anyway but well i dicovered some little stuffs in her letter.I believe she has a mentality problem dspite being a christian.you said "people whisper about u..",i believe you are the type that has taken to what people say about you and it will definately affect your thought process and behaviour.again you called yourself "miss misery",it shows how badly you have dent your self esteem and inner beauty,it will definately reflect and show to a man that is intrested because he watches out for your good and bad side.i bet you if you handle the way you see yourself in 2007 and not necessarily disturb God with those prayers..something good wil show up for you.you need to work on your thought process alot.even talking aout you being clean from dos aristo stuffs,shows that,you are feeling probably "if you did it,it might have helped cos you have seen people with that kind of life style get married happily.pls you need to work on how t hanle what you "see" and "hear",it has really reduced your chances all the while..you are a gem who someone somewhere is looking for..just change you mind set and thought process and you will see the miracle unfold.God bless you.

madam t said...

What can I say sister? First and foremost you say you are not looking for self pity but you are wallowing in it. Do not let this situation weigh you down, trust in God.He is able to make the humanly impossible possible. Secondly,check yourself, are you clinging to these guys,remember most guys love a confident woman.Do your thing, be happy in yourself and you'll be happy when you meet that guy that God has in store for you. No need moping.there are millions of women who are not married, doing things to change the world by taking care of less privileged kids and other things and in serving others,you might just find the one.
Take heart and cheer up and when you are least thinking about it you'll find the one
cheers

lala said...

Miss Misery, I'm sorry you feel this way. Having just stepped into the 30s myself, I can empathize because everybody want their soulmate ... and kids. However, like previously said by others, being miserable isn't going to cut it. You say you've never been in a relationship longer than a year, what do these boyfriends complain about? Listen to the complaints, then be honest to yourself if the complaints are true and work on it. We all are flawed so it will be a good opportunity to work on those flaws. But above all, believe in yourself and in God because ultimately, everything lies with Him. Wish you luck in this new year that you will fare better than previous years.

angie said...

Whao!!!
Well i will probably just echo wat every1 has said, Wait on God and He will neva disappoint u.to tell u the truth it isn't easy not to let such matters disturb u.
But have u looked at ur past relationships and tried to find out wat went wrong? this may help a long way in the next relationship u will enter. Also wat r the standards/qualities u look for in a life partner?r they fairy tales or realistic....for all u know God has already sent ur future husband to u!!!

Icy said...

hmmmm. This is a toughie small. First I can honestly say I have no idea how you feel so my opinion is tainted by that.

Second of all being in Naija and going through that is very very tough so I have to commend your strength, your zealousness that is some emotional drama that you're forced to experience. Pele dear.

We can all come here and tell you to be patient, pray e.t.c but fact remains it still bites when you're ready for something and you don't seem to have it yet.

Like Gods Child has said God has heard you, but omo keep praying jare you can never pray too much.

Re-Focus your energies; focus on other people, volunteer at a shelter. God has plans for your life omo get to work jare.

Matters of the heart usually happen when we least expect it, so you can't go on expecting and hoping every guy you meet is the one. Cuz frankly more than likely there is more than one person for you.

Meditate clear your head of this emotional suffering. I know you want to me married and with kids. The reality is not everyone will be this way. I pray that is not your case because we know you want it.

So here is my suggestion.

Relax, go out- business conferences, travel outside naija if you can afford it, change up your friend circle, Change up your patterns. You need a new and refreshing start. It's yours already babz. DO NOT LET ANYONE make you feel any less of a woman because you are not with someone.

CHANGE IT UP in 2007. IT IS SO YOURS BABZ!

Anonymous said...

First, Marriage is not the ultimate experience in life. It is an institution that requires one to come up higher - more responsibility, thus more spiritual growth. Spend your mean time doing some soul searching and researching what it's really about. It's much deeper than you think. It's much more than white dresses. Again, it's really about coming up higher spiritually. God's time is the best and His ordained son created especially for you is worth the wait.
Marriage is not a game or a child's play. Ponder on this dear:
Are you really ready for this miraculous experience called marriage or you are just feeling left out? I use the word miraculous because it takes a miracle for two strangers to live together in harmony as husband and wife while dealing with the pressures on marriage especially in today's culture. Even siblings dont always get along.
So rise up from the ashes and embrace the beauty within; seek His Kingdom daily- develop your relationship with your Father in heaven; pray for boldness - to not succumb to pressures from family, friends or society; and finally enjoy singlehood as He prepares you for this wonderful experience.
And may you never experience what real "misery" is. Amen

Elle Woods said...

Hello
Im sure everybody already said this so i wont spend a lot of time being redundant.Honestly...i think you need to stop viewing your not being married as something negative.You are a bright and successful woman. Im very sure you have friends. Not being married is not supposed to make you incomplete.You need to be happy with yourself first. God's time is the best sha.

Yorubaparentwahala said...

Awwwww, here's a cyber hug. All I can say is keep praying. It sounds so lame, I know but believe me, it works. Ask God to pick the person for you and beg him to bring that person to you in his time. Believe in Him. Prayer without faith is pointless. Just keep praying. I can't say don't look at others because it's human nature. You know in your heart what you want. Pray for those things and worship God. Don't just ask. Worship him. Recognise him, praise him. I pray things work out for you. Keep your head up love.

mystoriesmytestimonies said...

in His time...
He makes all things beautiful...
God will do it for u ...
deka

Anonymous said...

My dear sister,thereis nothing too difficult for our father to do.When l got married l was told l would never have kids.l was advised to start my ivf treatment which l did for 3 years.people around me were getting pregnant and having parties,l rejoice with them,but inside i was so sad l did not know where to turn to.ln the middle of my treatment lgot pregnant.My doctors said itwas impossible and that l needed more treatment.To cut a long story short l gave birth to my son,the following year without any treatment l got pregnant again and again.The point is rejoice with your friends because your time is near.

Anonymous said...

My dear,

The other commentators have already given very good advice, so I won't repeat their words. Instead, look at it this way.
Its better to be single than to be miserably married. Many women are happily married, but many other women are bearing a lot of things, which they cannot tell anybody. So when you see all those seemingly happy couples, just remember, not all that glitters is gold.

So please wait for God's time. And learn to enjoy your present single state.

Lolita said...

Poor Child!

Listen, here in America, the latest census polls show that more women are living single than previous years back; I bet you are wondering why I am saying this, well, first off, to let you know that you are not alone, which you so duly noted in your letter.

According to your letter, as I read it, I noticed a lot of ambiguity, you say nothing is wrong with you but you are miserable. On the merit of that revelation alone, it is obvious that you are not ready for marriage. I understand that in Nigeria, the society places emphasis on women being married by a certain age and you feel left out, it’s natural, I guess, but the grass is always greener on the other side, yah!

I am not taking a piss but you have changed denominations, you’re wailing, you’re crying, it almost seems as if you are willing to do anything for marriage at this point, this is a letter of desperation.

Buckle up my dear, if you are as collected as people say you are, then you need to see yourself that way but we have a problem because you DO NOT see yourself that way!

So to piggy-back a little on what someone else here said, I suggest you take a vacation, a retreat to Baden-Baden or somewhere, two weeks or so in a spa town, alone mind you!

Have an examination of conscience, be introspective, get to know yourself better; you may find out who you really are and when you are secure with whom you are and your confidence is renewed, then you are more comfortable in your own skin and that confidence will attract the right person.

You may not know it yet but marriage is not all fun and games, I guess you are reading the city people and seeing the glamour of the weddings and you think that’s what marriage is all about - fanfare and thrills, no my dear, that’s just the day of the introduction, the traditional wedding, the white wedding day and the owambe afterwards, when all that’s over, real life begins! And real life takes you!

You - strong, determined and focused! So find you! And then be you :)










Also and not to dash your hopes or anything but not all women are made for marriage.

belissima said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bhookey84 said...

cyber hug!

34 said...

Chica, you gotta take a number on this one oh..Dont even lemme startup onmy shit! 34 to be exact and this is my first time on Bella and I just had to leave a message. Dont feel bag hun it is really bad out there oh. I have no advice for you I just wanted to bask in the ambiance of this topic. I feel you situh you are not in this alone. I am about to do a Demi Moore and hook wan Ashton Kutcher type bobo and just do da damn thing cuz I am not bad still turn heads at the local pigley wigley LOL..but for real dont feel to bad, I know how you feel. Olorun wa!

Anonymous said...

When you stop waiting for a man to complete you, then and only then will you open yourself to the possibilities of actually meeting the ONE. Gain perspective, learn about you and your patterns in prior relationships. Do you even give yourself enough time to heal? While you may do all the praying and shouting, "faith without works" is fruitless. Singlehood is time to enjoy yourself and if you are a Christian serve him. Reference the Bible. Your identity seems so wrapped up in getting married. How about after the wedding? Get focused. It's obvious the God you serve is trying to give you enough time to learn about yourself but you are being "miserable"? God has not given us the spirit of anxiety, "misery" and so forth but of courage, sound mind and victory. Focus on being Spiritually sound, mentally, psychologically and physically fit. Otherwise, marriage might just be the biggest mistake of your life, shortly after your sigh of relief that you are FINALLY married. Good luck. You've been donw, now GET UP!

Vera Ezimora said...

*putting on my Dr. Love hat*

I'm not gonna read any comment b4 commenting cause I don't want the comments to affect mine.

Ms Misery, if people are their names, then you ought to change yours.

I don't know you, so it's hard for me to say why your relationships have not been working.

The fact that you're desperate to get married might be interfering with your relationships. The men might be sensing it and feeling too much pressure.

Maybe you choose the wrong men for the wrong reasons. Maybe you're searching for love in all the wrong places. Maybe you give them (men) the feeling that you're already made and all you need from them is their presence in church 2 say, "I do". Maybe you have a low self esteem.

Or maybe it's just not God's time.

Perhaps, you should start by cleansing yourself from the inside out. I mean, work on yourself and make sure that you're okay with yourself. Be satisfied with yourself. Be realistic about the situation with any man. Be optimistic, but also realistic. If he quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, then he's probably a duck = if he appears to be bad and acts bad, then he probably is.

Most importantly, pray and rely on God. And stop seeing yourself as being miserable. Once there is life, there is hope.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about your situation. I don't know you personally - so I'm going to try and be as objective as possible in my answer.

I'm in my mid thirties and a nigerian, successful in my field etc so you and i are probably around the same age.

Firstly, at your mid-thirties, the first thing that comes to mind is that you are too old, what were you doing in your mid-twenties? I know too many women just like you that are looking for men - but they refuse to start thinking about settling down in their mid-twenties, always partying as hard as the fellas and saying "there's still time". Now they are in their mid thirties still looking for a man and getting more desperate as time goes on.

But it's never too late (though at this stage in the game it's going to be tough - because most men will be thinking there's something wrong with you and will probably only look at you as a short term fling) and most importantly - how do you look? Are you attractive? Do you need to go to they gym and lose some weight? You need honey to attract bees you know (or some saying like that). You are looking for a mate. You need to ensure that your outward appearance is on point. Don't worry about the inner stuff, you will be able to whittle that down once you start getting those phone numbers.

Who ends these relationships that you have been in? You or the other party? If there's something here that's constant, that needs to be looked at. I'm gonna guess that it's the other party that breaks off the relationship - so what is it with you that makes men want to do this? I'm sorry o but by now you should be experienced enough to know how to keep a man.

Time is running out for you, especially in a double standard society like we have in Nigeria. I just got married in my mid thirties but as a man that's ok in naija. You females should forget about all that 20th century stuff and seriously stop playing around once you hit your mid-twenties and only enter into meaningful relationships.

Stop looking for men in church, weddings etc. If you do everything you can to improve your outward appearance and start hitting some cultural events - you will soon meet Mr. Right and not Mr. Right Now.

I feel your pain, good luck.

Anonymous said...

Madam Misery,

You maybe lonley now, you are not married, you do not have lasting relationships......... you listed all the things you don't have but as God asked Abraham, "what is it you have in your hand?" We are all human and we look for what we do not have but forget what we do have. Don't you think that HE already knows what you need. Stop asking and start thanking

Kpakpando said...

Miss misery,

In addition to all the pray and wait on God advice (which I agree with, but realize you've probably heard those ones a million times too)please stop being miserable. you might be letting your disappointments affect your behavior, attitude and general outlook on life, people (men and women included)can generally see through that and nobody wants to be around a miserable person. So this is a new year, think new positive thoughts.
Also use the time to continue to work on yourself, you probably have a pretty clear idea of what you're looking for in a mate, make sure you'll be what he's looking for as well. Be completely honest with yourself, would you want to marry you?
Also be honest about wanting to be married, I know we naija women tend to front and pretend that we're okay by ourselves, that I'm an independent fish without a bicycle crap we feed ourselves, abeg you have to say what you want sometimes to get what you want. By no means am I suggesting you become one of those women who's already discussing marriage on a second date, but when dealing with men, don't try the bait and switch tactic, it doesn't work long term. If the dude says or does things that indicate to you he's not trying to settle down, please believe him and move on. Also being honest about wanting to be married to your friends and family, trust me if you keep putting on a front that you're okay with the sitaution, folks will forget aboout you when eligble single women are being discussed

Sha I'm now rambling, my dear you'll be alright no matter what. Good luck, God bless.

Anonymous said...

HMMMMM
YOUNG LADY - YOU DONT HAVE AN IDEA
IF YOU THINK FOR A SECOND YOU ARE ALONE THEN YOU ARE SOOOOOOO WRONG. WHAT???????????

I AM ALSO A BEAUTIFUL AFRICAN SISTA LIKE YA SELF, CHRISTIAN (I ALSO SWITCHED FROM CATHOLIC TO PENTECOSTAL TOO) B-SCHOOL EDUCATED, FRIENDLY, FUNNY, NEAT, LOVE KIDS, EXCELLENT COOK, AND DOING WELL BY THE GRACE OF GOD.

I AM 33 GOING ON 34 - THE LAST TIME I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WAS 9 YRS AGO. REASON BEING IN MY 20'S AFTER A BAD HEART BREAK I SWORE I WONT SLEEP WITH ANYMAN UNTIL WE GET MARRIED. YANKEE IS HARD TO FIND A MAN, AND THE FEW WHO HAVE COME ONCE THEY REALISE I AM BEING HARD WITH THEM SLEEPING WITH ME THEY HANG AROUND FOR A FEW MONTHS, THEN THEY JUST JET. AND I AM NOT BACKING DOWN ON WHAT I PROMISED MYSELF SO I HAVE ABSTAINED FROM SEX FOR 9 YRS AND GOING STRONG.

I ALSO FELT CURSED SOMETIMES, COS OUT OF ALL MY FAMILY MEMBERS, SISTERS, COUSINS AND SCHOOL FRIENDS, MYSELF PLUS ANOTHER FRIEND IN LONDON ARE THE ONLY ONES LEFT. I HAVE BEEN PRAYED, I HAVE FASTED - I HAVE CRIED, I HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED THE WHOLE NINE YARDS - AND NOTHING HAS WORKED FOR ME.

ON DEC 31 - I SAID THIS NEW YEAR 2007 I AM FASTING FOR 21 DAYS, AND ALSO MY INSTINCT TELLS ME TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING I HAVE HEAR, AND RELOCATE BACK HOME SINCE I STAND A BETTER CHANCE OVER THERE AND WITH MY CREDENTIALS I WOULD GET A JOB AND IF NOT I WILL START MY OWN THING. I AM PRAYING AND FASTING NOW AND ITS GOING WELL. MY FAITH HAS INCREASED AND I PRAY IT INCREASE MORE. EACH MORNING I WAKE UP I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY GOOD THINGS TO MYSELF. I SWEAR IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC, TRYIT MY SISTA.

MY SISTA DONT GIVE UP. I HAVE NEVER FASTED 21 DYS BEFORE AND SURPRISINGLY IT IS WORKING, I GOT 10DYS TO GO. I AM DOING LIQUID FASTING AND IT IS NOT EASY, BUT I WONT LET THE DEVIL WIN. I AM MARRYING THIS YEAR.

I HAVE PLANNED MY WEDDING, I HAVE JOTTED DOWN THE WEDDING LIST, I AM SAVING TOWARDS MY ENGAGEMENT. MY SISTA YOU HAVE TO BE PROACTIVE AND LET GOD KNOW YOU ARE SERIOUS.

BUT TO SUMM IT UP - ABEG MY SISTA DONT EVER THINK YOU AR ALONE. MATTER OF FACT YOU WILL BE AMAZED TO KNOW WE ARE IN THE MAJORITY. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. ITS LIKE AN EPIDEMIC. YOU ARE NOT CURSED - NOT AT ALL.

DONT LET THE STRONGMAN WIN YOU OVER, SMILE EVERYDAY, BY SINGING PRAISES TO GOD AS THOUGH THE MAN WAS HERE. AND FROM A BORN BRED CATHOLIC UNTIL 2 YRS AGO, MY SISTER I HAVE NOW ACCEPTED CHRIST AND I PROMISE YOU MY LIFE IF YOU DO THAT AND KEEP PRAYING YOU WILL BE AMAZED - SOME DAYS ITS HARD- AND MY FAITH GOES DOWN- BUT I LIFT IT BACK UP WITH PRAISES.

GOSH I WISH IHAD YA NBR TO CALL YOU AND ENCOURAGE YOU. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE HE WILL COME. IF YOU KNEW HOW LOW I WAS THIS YEAR AND HOW I HAVE LIFTED MY SPIRITS UP YOU WILL BE AMAZED. IT IS POSSIBLE MA SISTA.

NOW A DAYS I LOOK AT NEWLY MARRIED WOMEN IN THEIR 30'S WHO HAVE HAD KIDS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND LOOKING FABOULOUS AND TELL MYSELF ITS NEVER TOO LATE. THERE ARE A LOT OF 30 SOMETHINGS (LOOK AT HOLLYWOOD - BROOK SHIELD,JULIA ROBERTS, TONI BRAXTON, BORIS KODJOE'S WIFE) THE LIST GOES ON. THESE WOMEN JUST GOT MARRIED AND IN 24-36MTHS HAVE HAD BEAUTIFUL KIDS. I ALWAYS SAY - THIS COULD BE ME TOO. EVEN AFTER BIRTH THEY ARE LOOKING MORE FABOULOUS THAN WOMEN HALF THEIR AGE.

I AGREE ITS HARD HERE IN YANKEE, BUT ITS NEVER IMPOSSIBLE. I AM ASSUMING YOU ARE IN USA TOO. GO TO AFRICAN PROFESSIONAL NETWORK EVENTS HERE IF YOU CAN, CHURCH IS A GOOD PLACE TOO, AND IF YOU CAN VISIT HOME DURING CHRISTMASSES AND YOU MIGHT MEET SOMEONE VACATIONING TOO. MY PLAN IS JUST TO RELOCATE PERIOD, THIS COUNTRY IS TOO LONELY REGARDLESS OF IF I AM MARRIED OR NOT.

DONT GIVE UP
YOU ARE DEFINATELY NOT CURSED
YOU ARE BLESSED.
DO DEVIL CAN TWART WHAT GOD HAS IN STORE FOR YOU. THE WORSE THE DEVIL CAN DO IS DELAY IT - BUT HE CAN NEVER EVER TAKE IT AWAY. READ BOUT JOSEPH AND HIS 12 BROTHERS, THE DEVIL THOUGHT HE HAD HIM SOLD TO SLAVES, BUT GODS PLANNED FOR HIM WAS NEVER CANCELLED, IT CAME TO PASS - COS JOSEPH BELIEVED, AND CONTINUE TO BELIEVE.

I.J.
XXXX

Anonymous said...

My married friends tell me to enjoy my single days whilst it last - most definately the man will come and whenit comes, it will come whenyou dont expect it.

If you force it, you will meet the wrong person.

Let God do his work and do yours - Yours is just to believe, continously believe and thank him for it. Dont question God. Just do your part - BELIEVE and THANK him. This might sound cliche, but it works. I believe it will work for us all since it work for those who tried b4 us.

I.J
xxxx

Omosewa said...

My advice to you would be that you shouldn't lose hope. I recently read a book by an Indian lady who got married VERY late according to Indian traditions, and the one thing i noticed was her tenacity. Have it at the back of your mind that you'll eventually find that one person you connect with and get married to him. Define what you want, and dont settle for less. Go out, have fun, be friendly, always have a positive attitude and keep smiling. Your prince charming would eventually find you.

Ofcourse prayer is very important, God is the best matchmaker, and if you tell him what you want in a life partner, he'll get him for you, it's not enough to say i want a husband, write the specifics out, and pray over it always. Surround yourself with positive talk as well, calling yourself Miss Misery is not cute at all, dont be like that, you're full of joy by God's grace.

And finally, i'ld love to recommend a book by Pastor Bimbo Odukoya, it's titled How to choose a life partner-165 questions to ask. It's a lovely read,and i'm sure you'll be blessed by it.

Stay strong my sister, nothing is impossible with God.

Devin said...

Le mariage est comme une forteresse assiégée; ceux qui sont dehors veulent y entrer, et ceux qui sont dedans veulent en sortir (Marriage is like a beleaguered fortress: those who are outside want to get in, and those inside want to get out).

Quitard: Études sur les Proverbes Français, p.

Life is too short to be miserable. Live and let live.

Bluntremi said...

Miss Misery-
First, I totally sympathize with you ... I can imagine what youre going through and how all of the naija pressures must be getting to you. We all know it isnt easy, especially when it comes to family pressures and all...

However, you really must be MUCH stronger than this ( i know-easier said than done , abi?)... Having a man or a husband is not guarantedd happiness(classic case of the grass being greener on the other side) We all want want we have either had before or never had at all.

There are a few things about life and men in general that you must understand...when youre looking for something it becomes even more elusive! As unhappy as you sound in this letter, it would be VERY hard to meet someone in this state of mind. Remember that having a man and actually keeping him, is also another long story in itself...

Many others are saying the same things I am trying to say (probably less winded too!!!)-enjoy the time you have, enjoy being YOU!! Enjoy your friends and everything around you. When the time is right, it will happen for you-I have no doubts on that.

So keep your head up and be strong-OK??? Be happy that youre alive and healthy!

Ronnie said...

Well, what a shame.Some people have it good and they dont even know. IN yoruba we say ma wo ago alago she ise. Those who are married around you , you dont know what they are going through. Dont wish to be like anyone.
Your time will come. God is the only one why not wait for the right partner and then spend the rest of your life in happiness. All that glitters is not gold. I bet if your sisters tell you what they are going through you'll be like ah oga o. I leave it all to God to direct my steps. It is well
Dont worry.Just continue to pray for Mr. right and ready from God.
oju lo pe si.

MelodyMe said...

I really like your blog. I've been perusing it all night but I'm pretty tired so I'll just add you and continue later. Hope that's ok!:)

Ariiyike said...

I can't agree enough with Miss I.J XXXX (the one who said she wants to relocate to NG). She has said it all. I think you need people with such a strong perspective around you. Try hook up with her.
Best of luck.

Funmi said...

God's timing is perfect my dear. At His own appointed time He will will bring 'him' along. Till then just 'do you' and enjoy being single.

Do not allow your circumstances steal your joy. Like bhookey84 said here is a cyberhug :)

It is well.

Ms Jade said...

Miss Misery, be strong and courageous, dont despair ... The Lord has something for you and i bet u'll be happy soon, this year is your season.... what matters is to just leave it to God to perfect.... The man after God's heart will seek and find u soon. just keep looking good and please attend more wedding, u neverr can tell.... rejoice with those that rejoice and u'll see the goodness of GOD soon...

Anonymous said...

hey girlfrd,
i am sorry that u r going thru dis and u feel dis way abt urself but remember all ur tinkg, self pity & d rest ll not do u any good, if anyting it ll make u alot more miserable dan u already r.
my suggestn 2 u ll b 2,pick urself up,show off d good in u,look in2 d bad side & fix it.we've all got a good & bad side 2 us but wit d help of baba God it is well.
I'll use myself as an example mayb dis ll help,i ve lived in london all of my adult life but while i woz in secondary sch in naija i fell in luv wit a guy 7yrs older,not 2 tall but handsome he liked me but i tot i'll let him do his ting as i cldn't + he wasn't tall etc.well i moved 2 london and dated all sorts here most of which met my requiremts u know tall, handsome & rich 2 list afew but none of dem made me feel like my naija man.luckily 4 me althou my naijaman had left naija he kept intouch,2002 i went home & d rest is history.
D moral of dis story is if u ve a list u can go along wit it but pls don't let it take over completely,ask God 2 provide ur soulmate cos he surely did mine & he'll definately do urs:-)
goodluck & God bless.

Daddy's Girl said...

Hey, I love your brutal honesty, and I am glad you are keeping it real and speaking your mind.

All that I'm about to say is easier said than done, but God will give you grace if you believe. Like others have said, please stay strong and don't let this (temporary) situation pull you down.

Keep your eyes focused on what you want, do NOT give up on your dream if you believe it is God's will for you, keep believing, and do all you can to continue to improve yourself (not just for marriage but because you have a lot that God needs you to accomplish on this earth, apart from the wife/mother role).

And finally... try to relax and enjoy your life. You are blessed, NOT cursed; you're a special wonderful creation of God and you don't need a man to make you complete. Enjoy your life, girl! Life is short, just enjoy it! God bless.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Misery, PLease continue to trust in God. He will definitely make a way.

@Everyone, I am so encouraged and motivated at your responses. Everyone in one way or the other included God in their comments. THis is really good. Had this been one american site like that, I believe they won't include God,instead, they would tell her to go to clubs and party harder. Again thank you everyone, you have all encouraged me to continue to seek God's changing hand in my life.

bibi said...

Miss misery..its time to change your name and start confessing good things into your life...I know someone close to me going thru the same..in her early 30's and successful...its hard..

start thanking God for your wedding, ur husband , and ur kids..you've prayed and prayed..God is listening...Thanksgiving opens doors quicker than anything else..i pray everything goes well this year..

the same way women r looking for husbands so are men..i know a guy really searching for a wife..if i knew u i could have hooked u up...just hold on to ur faith and dont settle for less..

EXCESSIVE-DIVA said...

There are so maaaany other beautiful things on lifes menu apart from marriage,just chill,focus on other things and let the marriage aspect flow naturally.i have just never been one to sweat things,like you,im at that age where its all about the chinese whispers about my "single status".some believe its a game where they can talk shit and make me feel miserable for been single.but hey..theres something i say..if i havent met someone im compatible with in all those areas i cant do without,then i aint walking down no muthafrigging aisle.
and so long as im single,im gonna have a helluva grea time getting to that point where if i meet mr.right for me then fine,and if not then too bad.
abegggg drop this calling yourself miss misery..wass all dat fuckery for??
live,enjoy yourself,relax,date,dont focus on just trying to catch one man and marry him like that..multi task it men..you just never know who yours is meant to be...
and whatever you do..unless you have met the one for you..in jesus name abeg dont put all your eggs in one basket o..
all the best,,,

tatafo! said...

Ms. Happiness...your name is not Misery. I'll piggy back on what everyone has said. But also I want to emphasize what a couple of people have pointed out:
Join a single's christian's fellowship
Be active in church
Naija has a lot of cultural events, if you can get invitations to these kinds of events...like art openings, fundraisers and such please go.
I'm not saying clubbing at Bacchus, i'm talking about events with serious movers and shakers that are seen in City People and co.
Also I watched Nigeria International and they talked about this Christian Spoken Word cafe. I'm not sure where it is located but find it and go there.

I'm not sure what kindof pentecostal church you attend, but please make sure you attend one of the pentecostal churches with young professional people on the island or something.

Try online dating, i know it's like taboo in naija but hey.

If you can afford take a trip to Houston for an extended period. There are plenty of naija guys here.

This is a new season for your life.
Remeber God's word in Jer. 29:11 says: For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Your latter will be greater than your past, you will be blessed among the rest. After all that has been done, the best is yet to come. In Jesus' name - Martha Munizzi

Anonymous said...

All of you that are advising the babe to get some self-esteem, work on herself, etc. na wa oh – How judgemental…What do you know? Do you know how damaging it can be for someone to be in a situation that makes no sense whatsoever?

Miss Misery

First of all I thank God that you are a Born Again Christian because that should help you a great deal. I so agree with the Anonymous posting in Bold. The truth is that God knows the desires of our hearts and I strongly believe that he will grant them according to his will for our lives. Like someone said you have to be prayerful and continue to be proactive. It will happen if you hold on. I hope you are being open-minded about age, career, looks etc – because love comes in mysterious packages.

Don’t be miserable, seek God first and the rest will follow. It is amazing how true this is – it has always works for me when I do it. Anytime I try with my own strength and might I just miss the boat, loose the plot.

Be strong sister – I pray that in GODS TIME you will get married to the most wonderful man for you! Amen


By the way you guys, there are so many men in this situation too you know

xxx

Favoured Girl said...

My dear, you should not name yourself Misery. You may feel that way, but that is not who you are. I know a lady who went through the same things you are going through. All through her 20s and 30s she searched for a man, but there seemed to be none. But the one God had for her turned up eventually and she got married just after her 40th birthday. Rest assured, somewhere, your man is also looking for YOU.

Sweetie, it's hard, it may even seem impossible, but with God nothing is impossible. I'm sure you have strong days and weak days, but I will encourage you to remain strong. Speak to God about your heart desires. Thank Him that He is more than able to give you a man that is perfect for you. Live your life to the full. Please don't stop attending your friends' weddings or any other social events you are invited to, you never know where or how you will meet someone.

Let your inner and outer beauty show. Smile, don't be miserable. I know sometimes the external pressures get to you, but don't dwell on them for too long. Remember, only YOU can make yourself sad. Don't give in to pressures and become desperate. Desperation is NOT attractive.

How do you view marriage? Is it the buzz and excitement of planning the big day? The glitz and glamour of the big celebrations? There's a lot more to it, and you need to be prepared mentally, emotionally and spiritually. When you pray, ask God to work on preparing you for it.

Look at the patterns of your past relationships? How did they start and how did they end? Have you learnt from those experiences? Maybe your standards are too high?

Think about what qualities you have that will make you attractive to the man you want. Imagine how you would want your friends to describe you to an eligible man, and cultivate those character traits. Spend time discovering your best qualities. Be your own best friend.

One more thing though: In Christ, you are complete. You do not need a man to complete you or make you whole. Your joy comes not from anybody, but from within you, knowing you are God's child and nothing can ever separate you from His love. Remain blessed.

Belema said...

A lot of good advise here.

Anonymous said...

I have read all the encouraging words and i will give some practical ones. I had this issue in my mid-twenty, but it was not that the guys were not there, not just the ones i wanted. So I picked up books on how to meet men ("Been there done that and kept the jewelry by cooper Lawrence" and "Marry the man of your dreams by Jade Brode"). Yes it was an eye opener. I read the books after i broke up with my ex. 6months later we got back together and have been dating ever since.
We women have to be honest about some things (too short, too tall, too thin, his accent is funny is being shallow).
How do we look even when u are alone or a man comes around, or no one is looking at u. A man must love me for who i am is true but before he get to that place of knowing you, how do u catch his attention (meaning, focus on your looks, don't think u are just going down the road, put on powder, lip gloss, something) i have heard of so many store encounter marriages.
Get out of the old routine, go to shows, museums,plays, get out of the same clique (u can't be indoor and expect someone to come knocking at your door). you work monday to friday that does not mean u cant hangout on week day too.Women that marry powerful men meets them at such places or friends that goes to such.
finally, dont restrict yourself to Nigerian men only. My dear, the world is getting global. have u seen those Asian-black babies(they are so cute) All u should pray for is a man that will love u and kiss the floor u walk on. In what color, what language is up to God