Thursday, October 19, 2006

AUNTY BELLA - MS.WAHALA

Aunty Bella is here again.
It’s been a while since the last case; I sincerely thank everyone for all their comments and contribution so far! You may be surprised to know that you have actually made a difference in someone’s life. Read the post below for updates from past cases...HERE

Please take time out to read today’s case from Ms. Wahala…it is a very true story and she is honestly confused so please help her out!

Aunty B,
Absolutely love your blog. I have read every Aunty B. letter and never imagined I would write to you but desperate times call for desperate measures.
A little background info is important before I describe my wahala. I am a Muslim in my very early 20s from Lagos. I am from a fairly well-known family. Dad's a politician and my mother's side is pretty out there. I grew up outside Lagos and went to a very proper all-girls school and have lived and schooled in the US the last 7 years. I have a very decent job,have 2 degrees and am currently working on my MBA. I have a fairly Western and very liberal view of life. Definitely not a traditional naija girl.
My parents have been married for a minute and my dad has cheated on my mum from day one so I decided pretty early that my priorities when picking a husband would emphasize respect, honour and fidelity. My Western views make me very indifferent to the standard naija, "what will people say reaction" that most naija people seem to have. Therein seems to lie my problem.
I am seriously dating a wonderful man with a very reliable source of income and an incredible business sense after kissing a few frogs.
It's been a year and a half and he loves me more than I imagined possible and treats me with respect. He is also Yoruba but Christian and almost a decade older. He is by no means perfect but I love him that much more in spite of and becauseof his flaws. We have talked about marriage and I know he's planning a proposal so i figured I would introduce him formally to my parents.
Na there katakata burst. He has no university degree and my parents are swearing up and down – NO. He is very polished and well travelled. He made a decision not to finish school and it's worked out very well for him. My parents believe the differences in our educational backgrounds will create serious problems. I say we have worked through a lot of those problems and will work through whatever comes up. We expect criticism and judgment and are prepared for that. They say he will revert to the standard naija illiterate way of thinking. It doesn't help that he is from one of those Ara-Oke Yoruba states that the rest of them dislike. I say my parents are simply worried about how it would look. Their very educated first child, a complete daddy's girl, marrying some "Off the street illiterate trying to boost his profile by marrying a degree holder" (their words) is unacceptable. Ki ni aye ma so? What do you say?

What do you suggest?
It seems trivial but many of us are very close to our parents and will not like to destroy that relationship for a guy. But what if he is ‘the one’…

Anyway, let us know what you think…

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

hmnn, wahala go dey later oo,..

Icy said...

Hmm omo this one deserves some thinking... is a lil deep but therein lines the fact.. PARENTS THESE DAYS ARE TAKING OVER OUR LIVES for real lol! Be back when I think this one through!

TaureanMinx said...

This is a tough one Bella. We did a meme a few month back and I'd only consider degree holders who shared my faith...so I won't be a hypocrite and say its okay...For me religion is a big deal. I wish she had given us more background as to what work he did and if was sustainable for the both of them. If he lost that source of income would he be able to get another? Life can be a b*#$h when a couple starts to struggle, and thats the time when they need the Lord most...but they don't share the same religion. Her parents do have a right to be worried...especially her mom who knows what it is to have a difficult marriage. They just want her happiness but at the end of the day only she knows what will really make her happy.

I'd say she should not make up her mind with only her heart as the deciding factor and if she does decide to marry him, then she should do so with her eyes open, knowing that it could potentially be difficult with her family etc

Pelsss said...

How come the lady in question isn't worried about the muslim/christian thing? To me, that is more of a hitch than educational achievements. People can only talk for a while, they'll shut up after some time. The two of them seem very mismatched. I'll say they should go for another year together, if the relationship waxes stronger, her parents would most likely give in. Meanwhile the husband may want to get an associates degree in anything he likes just for the fun of it. Gotta make some sacrifices sometimes.

Anonymous said...

There is no permanent situation in life. He is a self made man as you have described him, which means he is street wise. As for his lack of 'formal' education, God used a Shepherd boy to be the greatest King of Israel. Despite king David's faults God still refrred to him as the "greatest King", " a man after my own heart".
As you have pointed out your father's wealth and status never resulted in a happy marriage. We are too caught up with what we see,we should pray to see what God sees, a 'man's heart'.

Angie said...

Hmmm this really requires serious thinking. Lately I ave been hearing a lot of stories from friends abt their parents not allowing them to get married becos of religion, educational background and tribe.
I think u need to pray seriously abt this oh. I understand were u r comin from and I also see reasons with your parents. I knw someone who made a 1st class and her parents have told her not to even consider marrying someone who made a second class lower(2:2). Are u sure he is 100% comfortable with u being way ahead more educated than he is? Becos trust me some guys feel insecure esp when their wives are more educated or earn a better salary than they are. Very few guys are comfortable with all this.
But if u say he is ok with it(VERY ok…) then just hang in there…everything will surely fall into place.

Nyemoni said...

I may sound old fashioned, but i'll take that chance...

1. Religion is the most important thing when it comes to marriage and I speak from experience. It is good for both parties to have the same faith for so may reasons, but I don't want to delve into a long story cos this ain't a forum...Tminx has captured the essence of the jist.

2. Education may seem so nonsensical, but may turn up to be a bigger issue later. If she is 100% sure that she can/will live with it, then it's her cross to bear...

3. The crux of the matter is that its her decision to make at the end of the day.......she it is who will lie on the bed with him and be his IYAWO... she should use both her head and her heart to make the decision.

Bunnylish said...

Who ever said education had to come in a classroom? You'd be suprised atthe number of so-called educated Nigerians out there who are crass and unrefined...if you can both communicate on the same level, and you are not in ANY way ashamed of him (you have to respect him and be proud of him) then go for it...the parents will come round one day, if appearances is all they are thinking about. People who love you will always love you. They will hala but recover. If you can make them respect him as a person (big up his sucesses and don't allow any disrespect in front of you) I think you will have the basis of a solid relationship all round. They have to know they can't disrespect him with your approval though.

Anywyas, good luck o! I am a firm beliver in L-O-V-E (not just affection or passion) so if it's real, at least don't give him up without a fight...there may not be anyone else more perfect for you out there....

PS- Make sure you've had a good hard think about the difference in the religion though- bigger issu that eductaion, as people have rightly said.

1982 said...

Hey, I just came across your blog and it is funny and extremey interesting! I love the whole Aunty Bella concept!

Hmmm, today's dilemma ... I can't help thinking if her parents have a problem with this guy, then they're bound to have a problem with most guys. What are the chances that she'll end up with their ideal husband? I think she needs to decide if he's worth the potential consequences, and if he is, then firmly but politely and respectfully tell her parents that he is the man she loves and they'll need to accept him or risk losing her!

Anonymous said...

I think you should listen to your heart. I know a professor at an Ivy League uni who happens to be one of those superstar professors as well she is going out with a youth worker who does not have the same level of education as she, but they are both blissful happy.

Your current relationship mirrors my family background: mother well educated christian (the best money can buy in the Uk), dad moslem from Lagos Island with no degrees but extremely worldly and can stand next to the best of them. many are surprised that he doesn't have degree.

They have been together for over 25yrs and blissfully so. My mother doesn't understand why the fuss about marrying into your religion that the born again keeps going on about. She thinks it allows the church to collect money from the people and brainwash them. I am a born again. She hates that fact. But my dear follow your heart. There are enough examples of your kind of set up.

ANGEL123 said...

Hmmm...I think this lady should find someone that compliment her religiously and educationally. 1st the guy is 10yrs older... i'm not digging this age gap.. 2nd - he's an ara-oke (yeah am one too) - believe me it's hard dealing with ara-oke family oh... and the uneducated ones too... believe me - you will need koran/bibeli/and others to overcome their wahala...3rd - the education gap... omo it's so important that you marry a degree holder - not only because of the financial and job stability but for peace of mind. do you really think this man will encourage his kids to waste money on overpriced education. think about it... Maybe you're strong sha - cos i dated a nice hardworking 9ja girl who didnt value education.. it was an issue and we had to break up... PhD and high schl certificate can't mix lai lai.

You really have to think this deep.. cos we know alot of educated naija gals get into this marriage frenzy after a certain age.. I'll say relax - encourage yourself and find another hubby. There are way too many obstacles to encounter in this relationship. Your spirit has to be very strong...

tatafo! said...

This a very simple matter, tell her to set her wedding date for the year after she turns thirty. Her parents will be the one who will carry it on their head for them to marry.
You know how us naija feel about getting married after 25.
But sha, I wouldn't want to be her shoes....goodluck in all you do

dixie said...

seiously, the schooled and unschooled will never be the same. theres a certain degree of conficence that people who have passed thru a Uni have that those that havent done same lack. All the money in the world cannot make up for it.. levels pass levels.

As per religion? Tnat is key.

Anonymous said...

What if you was to leave him today and then cannot find anyone as good as him tomorrow? If you truly love him, you should follow your heart and not care what anyone thinks. At the end of the day it is your life.

As for being educated Richard Branson or Bill Gates are not educated, yet they are successful people.

The only thing that is an issue, is the religion aspect. This is because Muslims and Christians have different point of views.

Angie said...

Does he earn more than you do? how does his family react to your relationship? can u cope with the different religions?wat religion are ur kids going to be? these and many questions u shld try answering before u enter into the marriage cos once u r in.....u r in!!!

nee yee said...

hey as much as i believe in love and the heart being a key factor.marriage is a different ball game altogether!!
now steetwise what exactly doyou mean?what exactly does he do to earn money?
and most importantly have you met his family?what do they think.
all these things will be very big factors later in life!
so chill and look well
before you LEAP!!!!!

Dimples said...

Simple!!!!
PRAYER IS THE KEY..PRAYER IS THE KEY...PRAYER IS THE MASTERKE...ya'll know the rest.

PSB said...

Think she should follow her heart because Husbands are hard to find period. If he is all she says he is and possibly more then whats the problem? (rhetoric)It is the ones with degrees(well most of them)that do I.T.K and change after you marry them. I know that a degree is really important but he seems established and if it'll make momma and poppa happy he should get a degree after they get married!! (if its so important to them)..OMG..I am about to pop a vein! There is a lack of men out there and the good ones are few and far between.

My point is marry him.

yorubaparentwahala said...

Wow! Thanks for the very prompt responses. I'll try to answer as many of your questions as possible.

Mr. is nothing like I imagined my ideal man would be. If it weren't for the way we met, I would never have given him the time of day. I don't want to say too much but he does have a source of income and savings to last a very extended period of time.
The religion thing isn't really an issue because I've never dated a Muslim and so always accepted that my kids will be Christians. He acccepts my religion and we actually pray together. That has never been an issue.

His family has no problems with us. The ara-oke thing comes out once in a while when he's trying to be the man but he has really worked on compromise in the last year.

He makes a heck of a lot more money than I do but when I get my final degree, I'll most likely make more. He says he'll be okay with that but the truth is it's really difficult to predict how he'll feel if and when that happens.

Another thing is he didn't choose to not go to school. He was all the way through his 3rd yr in Uni when circumstances ended that.

I'm not in a hurry to get married. I never actually thought about it or got so excited at the whole naija wedding/marriage thing before him. He makes me want things now that I never even considered priorities before.

I think that covers it for now. I'll be back. Again, thank you so much for all the advice. You raised points I hadn't thought about.

yorubaparentwahala said...

Just realised I made him sound like a 19 guy. I'm just trying to minimize info that will out my butt. He is gainfully employed. :))

psb said...

It's good that you are not in a hurry but What exactly is "Ara oke"? seems like thats the bone of contention. And you making more money than him in the future? A naija man..kai..

teekay said...

Id say, follow ur heart but be careful doing so. Always think about the future. Ha aunty bella where were u when i was having man drama?

Y said...

First off, I pray that this ends well, that every1 is relatively happy and content with the outcome... u'll be fine.

Now, my 2shillings;
From what u say here, it seems the biggest issue is the uncertainty of u not know'n the possibilities of Mr. changing his present loving ways in the future into being ur worst nitemare! Hence, it's not about religion, his
ara-okeness,an age-gap and as some folks have stressed in their comments,the education gap...

Every marraige is a gamble for both oko and iyawo. Even when they share similarities in religion, career, e.t.c

A genuine and unconditional love, will survive the "wahalas" of life at anytime.

Follow ur instincts... u & Mr. need to think thru ur relationship in-to-to! Look further than the horizon...1yr, 4yrs, 10yrs from now..

u said u both pray together.. he christain, u muslim---- continue to HOLD ON TO UR JOINT FAITH IN your love and in GOD.
:)

Adaure said...

Don't know which dialect of YORUBA you people are speaking but isn't in ARA-OKO as in somebody from teh bush.. BIKO school me o.

To Ms. Wahala.... all I can say is PRAY about it. The religious difference can be rough and so can the lack of a college degree/education BUT those are hurdles that people have scaled and turned into successful marriages. I am sure they had their less blissful moments, that's why the vows say 'for better, for worse'. If your heart and head have both agreed that this is the man God has chosen for you, then do what you need to do. But if you are having doubts and questions and lack confidence in teh choice then it ain't too late to be the Runaway bride.

But for real some of our parents need to go and siddon abeg.. it is freaking 2006 not 1966.

Anonymous said...

Now i have experienced or should i say witness a very similar situation and let me tell you, dont go with all this ---if its in your heart do it!! Marriage is full of short fuse arguments and disagreement and it not new that men's way of thinking is way off. My sister married her husband with whom they went to university together in naija. same thing my sister is the first girl and real daddy's girl. the guy chased her in school for years but nothing, they then met about 10yrs later and then got married. He left uni for England and never finished his degree, my bro-in-law is loaded, drives the latest car, but at the end of the day, class is class, and education in our culture counts for a lot especially among yourubas. With all the money, everytime there is an argument you hear 'is it because you get this adn that' or 'that you are talking to his friends on a professional level which excludes him'. they are divorced now, eventually my sister discovered that to be a strong woman for her daughter she had to leave- so as not to pass the wrong message to her that it is alright to apologise for being studious, and being a hardworking woman. she so tried to make it work, that she quit her high profile job to come down a little and it one made it worst. so get your guy to brush up, with his experience, a business course should not be so hard if he really wants you.
My father alway said, always marry someone with a similar background, they you are not far off. i have been married for 9 years now and now i agree. Unlike my sister i have a wonderful husband and now a beautiful daughter. So talk it over with him, its not only love that make marriage work - know that for a fact. There has to be something to share, right now you are on mars and he is a little lower. Money cannot buy class. I dont mean to be harsh, but if that is all that is bothering your parents, then its easy - if you guys are in the UK or USA, get him to do a distance learning or a quick fast track course. late in the day but if he wants you now is the time to ask. Wishing you the best.

Zainab said...

You're in luck. I have been hearing divine words from elderly Nigerians as I have recently been bombarded with advices, pleas and suggestions after a thorough unwanted interference in my life. After careful review I find that I rejected 99% of what they had to say, they called it ori kun kun. Good thing is I now know what I don't want, even if I'm yet to completely figure out what it is I want. Here are my top 5 pointers.
i) Your parents won't live you life for you. Seems obvious, but we all fall into the ensuing trap of a "please my parents situation"
b) Love is not a good enough reason to marry, those "other" things do come into play later no matter how in love you are.
c)There are a lot of guys out there that are just as good. That your one aunt who isn't married at 50 is not typical. Don't be scared another guy won't come along.
d) Make sure you know the history of the object of your affection. You can usually tell the future from the past. Cruel, but true.
e) Even if you're not religious, find a spouse who fears God.

Adaure said...

@Anonymous....I would love to agree with your arguement but I am going to apologise in advance WHEN i say that is some major Bullshit.(again I apologise).
Are you trying to say that in other Nigerian cultures education does not count? Are you serious?

I don't know what happened with your sister's marriage but that's the classic argument, that is readily available to disguise and ignore what may have been a deeper problem such as a marriage based on wrong reasons or choices, low self esteem, lack of confidence, disappointment and contentions over life decisions which result in or from spousal envy, feelings of irrelevance, lack of respect, ill-match and a whole lot of other possibilities that are over simplified as 'oh it is because he did not have an education.'
What would we than say about marriages between people in the reverse or similar roles that end in unhappiness, infidelity, divorce and God forbid murder? Hello... these so classified people with 'CLASS' are not immune to 'marital problems' and 'divorce'.

Yes you should not marry for LOVE alone but sometimes our ways of thinking and rationalizing freaking pisses me off sometimes. What I am hearing is MATERIALISM and PATRIARCHY!!!

I mean c'mon we are not talking about a gentleman who is a STARK illiterate. He went up to a 3rd year in university and probably lack of funds, inspiration, STRIKE, or frustration could have led him to drop out. He managed to pick himslef up by the boot straps and became a successful man regardless of an academic degree. The likes of Bill Gates have done very well for themselves without college degrees. Mind you, just as money cannot buy class, acquiring all the degrees in the world does not equal CLASS either. The fact that she has a degree and he doesn't doesn't make him any less a man or a person or make her any better than him.
So what if she is higher than he in education, whoever said ONLY MEN could achieve higher....please show me where that law is written.
For long men have achieved higher but now that women are getting there, it is all of a sudden a problem. In essence is a woman's place to be the under achiever.

As I stated, what I hear being espoused is the ugliness of materialism and patriarchy that have long infected and eaten deep into the nigerian culture and the mentality of many Nigerian women. One we should be trying to change not maintain. It is great to marry into wealth, an educated person, a doctor, lawyer etc. Who doesn't want to... we all do. But whatever happened to building together, from the scratch, encouraging and supporting ones spouse through their life's goals. I can understand the conflict that religious and tribal differences may pose BUT EVEN those alone should not prevent one from marrying another if that is whom he or she LOVES. There are a number of inter-racial, inter-tribal, inter-religious and 'inter-class' marriages that are YET to end in DIVORCE.

If one is marrying for BA, BS, master's and phd, neither of which determine the success or longevity of relationships or marriages, then one should go find that 'nobel laureate' and double phd holder... the more degrees the better. Lord knows you might be doing another single chick, who by the way may appreciate him for who and what he is, a favor.

But if you have met a man who espouses values neccessary for you to have happy marriage, who is kind, loving and God fearing, one who adores, puts food on teh table, cherishes you and treats you with the decency and respect you deserve and he loves you more than you love him...even if he was a poor, blind, illiterate, jobless, begging church-rat combined times two (ok that's a bit much) you SHOULD NEVER allow those things to determine you decision. And more over you should RESPECT his life choices, as long as they have not proven detrimental. Yes it is easier said than done BUT that's the way it should be...Your love should not be based on how many cars and houses and college degrees he has or does not have.

You should be asking yourself whether you love this person UNCONDITIONALLY....inspite of this or despite that. If your answer is NO... there you go, problem solved, who is the next fella.

We really need to get off that MATERIALISM boat and stop measuring people by that yard stick.

The real problem is trying to pander to a society built on archiac standards. They always mean well and think they knwo what's best for you, but truth is they don't. You alone and your God know what's best for you. Unfortunately many of us will fall in to the trap of wanting to make our parents happy. It may work out for you and others will regret it. In the end, again, YOU alone and possibly your children will have to deal with that decision.. not your parents or the people advicing (including me).

That's Addy's spill (sorry for taking up the space and again anonymous accept my apology for my 'french')

4:05 AM

Anonymous said...

eh addy
the person said 'education in our culture is very important especially among yorubas' whether or not you like it is true. nigerians value education as a whole but yorubas are well known for having a thing for advanced degrees, they will even accept you poor man with not clothes if you've got a pHD.

sha sha...this education is not too much wahala, shebi he did three years in college already then he should go back and finish his degree because he can transfer the courses even if it is just to fulfill all righteous, isnt that what marriage is all about. then he should also go and do evening MBA so he can keep up with u in earning if that is a potential problem which i believe it is. marriage isnt all about love so abeg dont try to do somersaults to prove love conquers all. it will indeed come up that he does not have a college degree whether or not you like it and no matter how hard you try it can cause division btwn u so just try and rectify it.

as for ara-oke, even tho i dont really know what that is, i suspect its kind not as tush as the yoruba family. defend your husband-to-be, because the elders say when a child washes his hands well he can eat with the elders. he is a self made man and that says a lot not like some ppl still doing runz with daddy's money. so what if he is looking for heightened social status (not that i am saying he is) but i dont see anything particularly bad there but like okonkwo in things fall apart, bobo has done well for himself so you should be proud of him (im sure u are)

lastly religion, hmm haa what can of christian family is he coming from and what kind of muslim family are u coming from because many at time before the wedding na one thing and after the wedding na so so another thing. before you know it they are draggging you for deliverance. i feel the religion is the biggest thing but i dont know how the cookie will crumble in your case

i think you should give it some time, let him get that degree and come bk in two years and think some, after you are in your 'very early twenties'

btw 2 advanced degrees + mba + bs? my sista how you obtain all dese ones, simple BS i no wan do again sef lol.

btw ms. bella, how can i send you my own dilemma?

yorubaparentwahala said...

Again, thank you to every single person on this page.

I am incredibly proud of Mr. and his accomplishments. That's the thing. I feel absolutely no shame. I love him in spite of and because of who he is. He appreciates my education and has plans to go back to school in the next year.

His parents love me. That may also be because I don't understand half of what they say :) but they genuinely care about us. His people call me from home. As to what kind of family I'm from, Papa Don't Preach from a few weeks back is most likely my first cousin. Does that clear things up? The only people I really care about though, are my parents and siblings and my dad doesn't care about religion as long as I am comfortable and I do not change.

Ara-oke refers to those from the Northernmost Yoruba states. The rest of us, especially Lagos people consider their ways, em just a little parochial to put it nicely.

@Anon. I left sec. sch. at 14 so I've had plenty of time to go to school. That's why I feel so old. :))

I really appreciate everyone and everything I've read here. Plus, I got the very insightful Adaure to comment ( I read your blog too.) Thank you.

He finally proposed so I guess it's official. Yay!!! I'll keep you all posted.

TaureanMinx said...

'Wow' at the person/ppl who said yoruba ppl value education especially more than other Nigerians. That is such a myopic statement. Please submit results of your survey...

Anonymous said...

yoruba ppl generally having a thing for advanced degrees doesnt not mean they value education more than other ppl please, it just means that they have a thing for advanced degrees. after all education may not be found only in schools.

as for the myopia of my statement, i considered the three broad ethnic groups here on average and not what happens in xyz individual's family. in support of these statements i would suggest a google search of awolowo and yoruba education, zik and igbo education, rivalry between awolowo and zik, affirmative action in nigeria, JAMB cut off marks, the 6-3-3-4 system of education, truancy and gender in various regions of nigeria, distribution of advanced degrees, ekiti state, nigerian businessmen, onwa december, the conferrment of chieftaincy titles...

Folu said...

I agree with Adaure 99.9%. Seriously, people always cite that one example where a marriage didn't work out. But has anyone figured out exacly why that marriage didn't last? Yes education and "class" play roles, but they have underlying reasons. Like Adaure mentioned, low self esteem, lack of confidence, lack of respect, and so on. You alone know how confident, respectful your man is. How does he treat you? What are the things he says? Do you really know him? People don't usually change overnight. There are usually signs. Personally I think education is important BUT I also don't think it's necessary as far as there's a plan. I have a masters and all BUT I seriously want to go out there on my own and do something that's not even related to what I went to school for. I don't want to work for anybody. If he's making something of himself and he actually went to school but had to drop out, it's obvious that his mentality is not like those that just think school is crap and then do nothing with their lives. He's doing something, he has actual plans. What does he say about your future? How do you read him when you are both talking about the possibility of you making more than him? That's an ego problem for most guys, not a Nigerian guy thing. What does he say? There are always signs. Some guys have enough confidence that that won't bother them (yes I know some), but also the ladies know not to throw those kinds of things in their faces, that's respect. Marriage is about LOVE, but what is LOVE? You guys should talk about that and see if you have the same concept. My husband and I always say love is a choice, it's not magical, it's an action verb, not just a feeling.

The only thing I have a problem with is the religion. I think it's important that 2 people share the same religion, just because it's a way of life. It's going to affect how you two lives your lives. If you are both not practising your religions, then I guess it's different. But it'll be hard for him to be a practising muslim and you a practising christian in the same house.

Basically, I think it's very possible for you to have a happy marriage with this man, as far as you have similar values, goals and plan to work on your marriage. Value your parents, but please don't let them have any control over things in your actual marriage.

As for the ara-oke thing, I don't even know what that means. I grew up in Lagos but i'm from Osun State, but then I guess i'm not your typical yoruba girl, whatever that means. Don't let those things affect your marriage.

stacy said...

I doubt if religion which pose that much of a problem. Muslims and Christians really beleive the same things(no stealing,lying,adultry etc..). People tend to make the relgion thing bigger than what it truly is. The only way that I can see relgion getting in the way is if either of you are a part of the holly roller pose. IN that instance you may have a problem.

The age thing is a good one oooh. I think women should marry a man who is somewhat older than them. Otherwise you wind up marrying someone who you have to guide. IN other words your husband will behave more like your sun than your husband.

bibi said...

this is def a tough one...when i was a bit younger, i used to say i cant marry anyone without at least a college degree..but now my views r changing a bit...sometimes education does not dictate ur class, or ur knowledge or ur level of success..look at the forbes billionare list..majority of its members do not have college degrees... being a girl pursuing a doctorate degree...i will prefer a guy who is somewat educated..but as long as the guy is not insecure..well learned..successful..a think a guy with a business sense ready to take on the world.is a lot better than a college grad..

check out how many broke college grads we have out there these days

Miguel said...

I won't advice anyone to marry without their parents consent. I believe in the need to be educated but i don't subscribe to the believe it has to be done within the four walls of an institution. Te richest man in the world is a drop out and he is not alone in this boat (I can mention 10 highly successful people without formal education). Some people don't fare well in school but have great business minds... i truly think with time th parents will come around..but he'll have to earn his stripes.

Anonymous said...

hmm I know what u are going thru, I have a cousin who married a man from a very different background and this caused alot of problems for her. His parents were alwasys mean to her and every tjing she did was beacause "she was rich!" She had to stop dressing well, got rid of her house help and driver (according to them only lazy people had drivers, and her husband totally turned his back on her and never sided her. This story has a sad ending as she passed away like 2 years after being married leaving a newly born baby. (The family later discovered her husband used to really beat her up).

On the other hand, my sister married a man from a very very humble background. Unlike your boyfriend, when they got married he wasn't financial secure and my family had to cover the cost for the entire wedding! They didnt have a honeymoon and it took them like 8mths to do their apartment! But now barely 2 years later they are very comfortable, have travelled round the world, and most importantly he really still loves and respects her. So basically, I think it really doesnt matter what background he comes from but what kind of personality he has.

At the end of the day no matter how good your parents intentions, you have to make the decision.

Anonymous said...

you want my advice? I say go for it- afterall, it is your life and not your parents'. You are the one dating the chap......

Baba said...

This is a big time situation that too many people are facing these days. As much as we as young adults feel like as icy said with major beef in her tone that "PARENTS THESE DAYS ARE TAKING OVER OUR LIVES", they have reason to show concern and preach the gospel of life.

Sister in her post never mentioned that her parents didnt have a happy marraige, she just said her pops cheated all the time, still might have a happy marraige.

I have looked on marraiges that have taken place the last 4 years and have seen too many people rush in and rush out, because they didnt take advice from the elders that have been there. They rush in bust a nut and kid and then the fight starts and the original love cant get them through it.

If you only had one major issue, maybe once the love clears you might be able to get through it, but you have listed so many issues; big for that matter that will become the end of your marraige (education level, social status, religion, yoruba heritage) and there might be others you are not mentioning here.

Sister, the love will clear, what will you do at that point, when these problems come to the forefront. He is a man, what will you do the first time he cheats on you, cause he will.

LISTEN TO YOUR ELDERS, THAT'S Y YOU ARE HERE, YOU KNOW THEY ARE RIGHT... Dont listen to Beyonce, or any of these so-called independent young women, she got a man...