Here is a new case for Aunty Bella.
Please take time out to offer her some advise.
If you have any issue for Aunty Bella – bellanaija@gmail.com
It’s completely anonymous. Thank ya~
Hello Aunty BN,
I think we have met but even you will never guess who this is. Bella, I don’t recognize myself anymore, I hate the person I have become over the last 2 years. I will start by saying my issue is not about LOVE, it is about MY LIFE.
Let me explain, I left Nigeria after primary school and returned after I completed my undergraduate and post-graduate degrees. While I was in England, I hardly had any Nigerian friends, my parents shipped me off to an exclusive boarding school in the middle of rural England where I stayed until in finished my A-Levels. It was when I started university in London that I met a few Nigerians, I built life-long friendships there and reconnected with my Nigerian heritage. It was because of those friends that I decided to move to Nigeria after I graduated (although I worked for a year).
BN, this is where the trouble started.
I am in financial penury. I am so broke and it is all my fault. I have been living far above my means. I never used to be the type of person who cared about how people perceived me but that has all changed. I was never the type of person who cared about Gucci and Versace, now that is all I spend my money on. My wardrobe is filled with designer clothing and accessories, I go out nearly every night to expensive restaurants or bars. I take too many international trips (I travel somewhere at least twice a month). I just cant seem to stop myself. I am so miserable because sometimes, I don’t even have any money to eat, refuel my car with petrol or pay my driver. I promise myself to change all the time but each time I get my salary, the cycle begins again. More shopping, more trips, more events. I have no savings, owe quite a number of people money (bar tabs, designers but not my friends) and have huge credit card bills piled up in London.
Nobody suspects this is happening to me and I cannot share my problem with any of my friends because I come from a very popular family in Lagos (Everytime people hear my last name, you can see the change in perception), I have a very good job, nice car, clothes and a beautiful apartment (separate chalet in my parents estate). All my friends live the same kind of lifestyle as me. We travel together, shop together, go to all the high profile events together but the main difference is that their parents (or boyfriends) still sponsor them financially despite the fact that they are graduates in their 20s and 30s with well paying jobs. My parents are very disciplined people. They do not believe in spoiling their children. They gave us the best education possible and now they expect us to fend for ourselves.
To be completely honest, I now have a very snobby and haughty attitude that is making things even worse. I never used to be that way, at boarding school, my pet name was Smiley.
Please help me. I know I got myself into this mess.
Miss Cut Your Coat According To Your Size
Miss Cut Your Coat’s situation is sad but very prevalent in Nigeria. I think it is a case of misplaced priorities.
I am really looking forward to reading your comments. Thanks!!!
This is my 100th post! We’ve come a long way together, thanks for all your support!
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37 comments:
welcome to the 100th post club aunty bella:) well in terms of advice; I would say she should try to cut her coat according to her size. She can still go out with her friends to nice places but if all she can afford is a salad, she should order it. If her friends ask her why she only ordered a salad she could say she is trying to be healthy, that research has shown salad is good for her:) God knows they may end up just ordering the same meal themselves.
Next point in terms of shopping, when her friends buy 10 she should buy the one she can afford and if they ask why? she only bought one, she could say "I order a new designer outfit from paris" or she could say "I really am not feeling these clothes besides have you heard about the bono line? it is the latest craze and being a humanitarian myself that is the only line I am going to buy fromm now on."
Or simply she should not try to be like her friends. True friends will be there for you come rain or shine.
Be true to yourself before anything else
That is my two cents or is it two kobo?
This is a classic example of keeping up with the Jonses (I think that's how its spelt). Her problem is simple though, she is spending more money than she makes... She has 2 choices which are:
1. Make more money
OR
2. Cut her spending so that she can stop owing so much money.
I would choose number One....
Hmh.... where are the Oprahs and Dr. Phils out there? We need your intervention
If you want to be really drastic, change your phone number and move to a different place that way you can cut off from your money spending friends. Or get a job in a different city and start over by keeping a low profile.
If you want to be less drastic, talk to a finance professional about your accounts and start a step by step plan. Plan a budget that eventually cuts down on your spending little by little, just like the alcoholic step program.
Goodluck!
I think you already know what to do, Its just been braving enough to face facts. You used to be real,smiley, you just stopped trusting that you were good enough without the bling and the bling lifestyle. You see your life is the sum totally of the choices you make in life. If you want to change your life change the choices you make
Hi Bella,
Congratulations on the 1ooth post. I enjoy reading about the fashion scene in the country. You could actually write a whole book about it, something like a novel. Or are you thinking of one already? Do tell...
Bella congrats!!!! Every single one of ur post(all 100) has been a must read...neva boring, always something interesting to read and know!!!
Miss Cut Your Coat According To Your Size, first of all its really a good thing that u know u have a problem and is ready to admit u need help. I advice that u take a long look at the company u keep...if u feel they don't live the kind of lifestyle u dream for ur self then u have to reduce the amount of time u spend with them(i m not saying u shld ignore them totally!!).Tell me ur friends and i will tell u, who u r....the kind of company u keep goes a long way to affect the kind of lifestyle u have. U want to be someone who is focused, someone who manages her finance properly u shld look for friends in people who have these strengths. When u make this decision u shld be ready to stick to it even if ur "old" friends laugh at u cos as u said they have people giving them funds while u r independent.
U shld make the choice to do the things that r good for u...that make u happy. Think about this if u were who u were back in school and someone came to u with exactly this same problem, wat will be ur honest advice???
Any remember pray about it...with God's help u will be able to make the change.
Take care!!!
Na wa o!!!..this sounds like something out of a Naija home video...but sad to say this story is the reality of things in Naija..and everywhere sef...I have a non-black friend in the exact predictment...
I need actually need to seat this one down..and think DEEPLY about it and get back to ya'll..
Never mind hun... God de.
Congratulations on your 100th post... it seems like you've been around for longer :-)
As for Miss CYCATYS, I cannot relate to her. I have a couple of friends who carry designer bags, etc but I know my level at the moment. I haven't bought ONE designer bag for myself.
I think the fact that she has admitted she has a problem is a beginning to the solution. If she has real friends, when they notice she is not carrying the latest bags or hanging out and spending money anyhow, they will still be her friends. If not, Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish.
Bella, Congrats on your 100th post :-)
Dis is a common problem wit Naijas in Naija as well as in d diaspora.
Some key things that may redirect ur attention:
1. Deal wit d psychological: U r doing dat right now n dat is a big deal n a big pat on the back. Knwoing there is a problem is a step ahead of most.U understand that u r now living for people,places n things n as u figured out, none of dat satisfies. So reassess ur value systems. Why do u need d validation of others by trying to keep up wit d Joneses?
2. Shopping is addictive. I am a ex-shoplic so mo get. Get counseling if u can. If u can not, think every time u spend about the poor driver who is barely making ends meet n d fact dat u deprive him the money to take care of himself, his children n family. Dat's gotta hurt u baby gal n don't spend!!!!!
3. Do a financial intake of where ur money dey. How much do u actually bring in per week, month? Wetin b ur xpenses? How much money u get left to spend? right now, ZERO. But since we no dey get over addiction immediately, give urself maybe not more than $100 to spend per paycheck on shoppin.
4. Shop wit a little more smarts. D clothes dat u buy r now made in Asia wit a label thrown on it to jack up the prices, 4-5 times more than it's worth. So, look 4 discounts, discounts n more discounts. Oyinbo ppl dey do d same thing. U can wear Gucci but at 4 times less than it cost.
Finally, believe in urself. U've ientified d problem. Now, have the courage to take active steps to change small by small. U can do it n I believe in u n so does Ms. Bella Naija n all the beautiful sould on dis site. U go gurl!!!!
Consolidate ya London credit bills dat are pilling n consider a credit counseling program in London. It's a bit aggressive but hey? Ya gotta git out of the financial mess which is creating so much palava 4 u.
To git to a point where u'd rather starve than not be seen in designer clothes is deeeeeeeeeeep!
Don't b surprised if some of ur friends r in d same drama. All dat glitters is not gold.
Odabo. I don finish. Adaure I was trying to do d Dr. Phil thing. Hey!:):)
YOU GUYS DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT UNTIL SHE DECIDES THAT SHE NEEDS TO STOP THE VICIOUS CYCLE NOW AMOUNT OF INTERVENTIONS CAN STOP HER. BUT BEING AS HOW SHE IS NAIJA AND SOME OF HER FRIENDS HAVE SUGAR DADDIES SHE NEEDS TO GET ONE TO PAY HER BILLS, HER TELEPHONE BILLS AND HER AUTOMO BILLS AS WELL :>)
Congratulations, Bella! well done indeed.
As to miss cut your coat, well the question is are you ready to do what needs to be done. At this point it's not a matter of shopping wisely or spinning things to hide your situation. You are not on the verge of financial ruin, you are knee deep in it. The good news is that it is not a pit you can't get out of. The bad news is that is going to be a long hard road. first thing face up to it, which you have started by posting this, which I commend you for but we are just anonymous bloggers out here, so who really cares what we think. Face up to yourself and then face up to your friends. Face up to your self through deep introspection and spiritual intervention. Deep introspection, by examining what led you down this path in the first place. This seasons Luella bag does not add or subtract to who you are, infact it doesn't even say that much about your fashion sense, I suspect like most Naijas you have been subjected to the have and have not mentality that so many of us are struggling with,well you are in good company, btw the senators and ministers who are stealing food from the mouths of people just so they can showcase the latest benz to their friends to the so called senior chics who mortgage their lives for what...french lace?
Face up to your friends why? because you will need real friends in your determination to turn your life around and really at this point in your life it is imperative to separate the chaff from the wheat. Believe me, probably most of your gucci clad and balenciaga toting friends are right there with you, or maybe a paycheck away.
Make a decision to radically change your life. Stop struggling against the quicksand, robbing peter to pay paul etc, that will only pull you in deeper, just stop spending now. Doubtless you have more than enough clothes and accessories, infact consider selling some on ebay or hold a spring cleaning party, clean out your closet, clean out your soul! and don't spend the proceeds because who wants to be a designer clad homeless person? Gather all your bills and make a plan to pay them one by one. Then change your attitude, you have recognized that you don't like you haughty self, well then simply change it. You have the power to recreate your own life. You can do this. Start smiling again, practice acts of kindness and humility.
In all of this be encouraged, the fact that you have hit rock bottom means there is only on way to go, UP! So know this and practice this...this is your time, and today is your day... each step you take be it painful or stressful is leading you closer to your destiny, closer to the woman you were born to be. This is God's way of making you shed all the old skin of self doubt and fear and low self esteem that you have been covering up with designer gear, now the world will have the chance to see the beautiful and wonderful woman inside!
Miss CYCATYS, don't beat yourself, it is only natural what you're doing...
I read once that (paraphrasing): if your left hand is causing you to "sin", then cut the F-er off! Then get a mechanical arm that you can control...
You have a terrible addiction, and like cocaine, you're going to work youself out of it. It's not going to be that easy. Now remember, if you're not in control of your life then someone or something is.
Energy (positive or negative - in your case you see it as negative)can neither be created nor destroyed but tranformed from one form to another. Now, find an alternate form of energy (something you feel positive about) and indulge in it.
Forget the cut your coat to your size routine/cliche (everyone, regardless of who they are, has comitted this "sin")...
About your atitude problem, it's all in your mind. You've touched it, you've played it, now stop to format it!
Remember: Always be in control, then you can control others...
goodluck!
This scenario you are experiencing happened to me, I was in school in London and my friends and I were all rich and we spent our popsie's money well well. But God had better plans for me and gradually I came to realise that there was no real joy in this way of life. Before u know it, u will even do things that are immoral to live up to this fake life.(e.g sleeping with married men to give u money) I pray that God will give you the strength to be wise to realise what is really important in life. I lost some of my friends in the process of discovering myself, but I am content in knowing that I am not who my expensive labels say I am, but that I can still wear a 10dollar jean and 5 dollar top (on sale) and still be confident as a chic and a child of God. This type of behaviour is common with Nigerians and it stems from insecurity.Look at successful people like Richard Branson or Bill Gates and see how simple they are in their dressing.Imagine if they were Nigerians, we will not hear word.You do not need to lie( e.g naijagal's comment about paris dress)or be ashamed about your progress in changing your priorities.Still go out and mingle but be wise and do things you can only afford.May the good Lord help you.
Hmm. I think its a personality issue. She sounds like someone that feels the need to belong. And if this means pretending and starving, she will do it as long as that outward perception remains. I would suggest that she takes some time out to figure out why she feels this way. If she cant be bothered to do that, she will just need to come up with a creative saving agreement. I have an arrangement where a certain sum is automatically deducted to my savings and investment accounts. Since its automatic and done the day after my salary hits my account, i cant touch anything i shouldnt. Its also such a bother to get out of these arrangements that any oju kokoro dies when i think of all the steps.
I really think though, that she needs to figure out why she must follow others and do as they do, living a lie just to be among these people.
this is a classic case of the nigerian phenomenom-EFFIZY. I thank GOD I'm not at home right now cus I know all those chics love to oppress and it's easy to feel your worth has something to do with what you wear.
It seems you might actually need a bit of professional help with your case though-as in I know it's hard to admit but if you're this miserable you might just have to. Oprah had a lady on her show sometime ago that was up to her nose in debt because she was trying to keep up with the joneses and they discovered the problem stemmed from her childhood. My point is that it's not something we can help you with on here. You really need to do some soul searching and seek help.
As per GUCCI, etc...girl many people can't live without these things but look for an outlet store somewhere that you can go and find these stuffs at whole sale prices lol. If you don't want anyone to know that you didn't get it off the runways of paris, then don't let them know.
Congrats, Bells on your 100th post! Thanks for the music,the fashion and the tid bits!
Ciao Bella!!
Happy 100th darling!!!
XxKizzesxX
Dammie
Congrats Bella on your 100th post!!! keep up the good work:)
CONGRATS on your 100th post bella!!!! Keep up the Good work. And for the broke babes situation, all i can say is kai pele, i feel her, im a recovering spendaholic, not that im saying its a good thing. But there comes a point in life, u have to prioritize.
Its amazing how pple appropriate their self worth or value with what they wear or posess. Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong in looking fly and all bling bling if you can afford it, but if you can't i think it's crazy when you force it!!
I also disagree with naijagal and some other bloggers that says our friend makes and excuse when her friends ask her why she is not doing somethings, really should you make an excuse for being you?
my final question, how many of u bloggers in here have a 1ooth of what bill gates owns yet...... i am not trying to support his nerdy looks,believe me if i had half of his money as a black man i go floss!
But i think when we are all able to answer the question what really are the important things in life?!!
A lot of this i short but i behave say i tall attitude will reduce!!! not sounding preachy please!!
OMO don't sweat it oh...you may have a psychological disorder.. yep there are women/men who are compulsive shopaholics and spendaholics.. so here are the things you need to do...
1)limit your partying - if you doing 5times per week - do twice weekly)
2)Cut down on the booze/food - eat more salad - they are cheaper and better on your curvature
3)Stratify your friends - yes oh... hang with those that will benefit you more - those that will pay for you occasionally and will not ridicule you wearing the same gucci shoes three times
4)Chill on the overseas trips... haba - by now you should be able to control that habit.. abi are you a travaholic.... at any rate.. instead of 2ce/month - do one every 3months.. and if some dude aint splurging on ya - don't go to expensive spots.
5)Use your parents as examples... don't mess up their name with your childish behaviors.
6)Grow up - partying and bullshitting won't get you anywhere.. if maybe you are betwn 18-23 - i would say you still have the andrenalin.. but if you ain't - seek a psych evaluation...
7)Enrol in a nice organization.. feed a kid or an animal or something.. help the cause of humanity and you will begin to reason differently
8)Maintain your classiness.. don't such a brandname freak..
@ Bella: congrats..here's to a gazillion more posts !!!!
@ Ms. CYCATYS: I've never been a designer hog myself, but i can definitely relate to you. in naija social circles keeping up with joneses is almost mandatory. i remember back when i was still immature, young and had minimal self esteem, i would actually go shopping before each naija event. and living in MD, there was one almost every weekend. i did this just so people won't see me wearing the same thing twice ot thrice. all for want? nothing. just to go see the same people over and over again. at some point you have to decide whether you want to live for yourself or for others. like most have said, admitting you have a problem is step 1. step 2 is following through. and lastly, please cut the fat. its not compulsory to have many friends. the number of friends you have does not define you. like me, i have just 2 close girlfriends who know me like the back of their hands. the others, i call acquaintances. that definitely reduces the amount of "Joneses" you need to keep up with :op anyway sha...i'm rooting for you. its a phase i'm sure most of us have been through. hope you snap out of it soon.
Congrats Mami!. Keep up the blog work.
In reference to Ms. Spendaholic..lol..(jus kiddin)..STOP DOING FOLLOW FOLLOW! For real, plus, u dont really know what is really going on in other people's lives..u dont know if they r accumulating debt trying to be like you. So, be real with urself jare. Cut ur coat accordingly....
Congrats Bella!!!!!! Glad you are a fellow blogger lol.
As for the young lady, I really don't know what to tell her. I have never been a big spender on designer stuff, I have friends from different backgrounds and I have never felt like I need to match up or down to them. If they can't accept you for who you are, then they are not your friends. I agree that there may be some self esteem issues, if youo can't afford somehing...you just can't. You shouldn't have to justify the reason to anyone. If your 'friends' look down on you because you don't travel often or wear designer clothes, then there is a serious problem. Material stuff should not define your friendships but I'm afraid you seem just like your friends. If you don't see that that way of thinking is so shallow, then you can't be helped. You should curb your spending now before it affects your life and that of your family in the future.
Am with TMINX on this jere,"Eniyan ni ota ara e" the chic is her own proplem. There is nothing anybody can say that will help her,but herself,by herself and with herself.
If you r accumulating debts and cant even buy gas in ur own car when u r working and ur "gumshun"(my grandmum's word) is not telling you to check urself,then keep having fun then.
good for u on ur 100th post. its official in addicted to this blog! as per issue at hand i think its real easy, stop spending! Im from a very ok fmilly and most of my friends have the cash. we've bin friends 4eva and i still do not have a gucci bag! we all go to italy and they are ordering sturfffs n im like when im working and need to make a statement i'l get it. they call me an ijebu which by the way is where im from. she just needs to be grounded n its good she realises she's got a problem which is a step towards solving it. ps. u dont need to live up to the hype.
She needs devine intervention and a shopping therapist
Happy 100th Bella. Thanks for laying it out nicely to keep folks entertained.
The writer suffers what 80 percent of Island chicks suffer. I am actually writing a screen play that deals with this issue. It is a sickness in the Nigerian society.
Having lived outside Nigeria for 20 years, I was shocked at the the extent young women worshipped designers in Nigeria. I probably would have ended up that way if I had continued to live in Nigeria -who knows.
Funny thing is that they mostly look like hookers dolled in all that gear. A lot of them have to sleep around with a lot of men to satisfy their urge and when they are not, they are busy dodging creditors or fasting.
The funny thing is that smart folks are not impressed by these things because real rich people tend to hide the fact that they are rich.
My advise is this act like me - I wear my damn jeans very where and I don't give a damn. I dress up when I feel like it and to hell with anybody who does not like it. I am more interested in buying stocks and bonds, property and businesses than Gucci and Prada.
Check yourself lady or you will be going into a full blown depression pretty soon.
Change comes only when we decide to change. She will break the spending pattern when she truly hits the wall...assume it does not crush her.
Photoblog at www.skills4ever.com
Bella you are my most reccommended window to naija blog... please keep the fire hot.
i have a page at www.myspace.com/pambraide that i need to move out to somewhere open.
Ok Advice time...
everyone has said a lot of good things already....
Dear unhappy shopaholic,
Breaking a cycle is hard.
You need to reconnect with what makes you happy and who you really are. At least now you know material possesions arent enough to make you happy. you deserve to know what does and place yourself in the space to attract it and give it.
You have to work on loving you.
CONFIDE in someone close. You dont have to give the whole story if your too shamed (why should you be anyway) but you need a partner on the road to financial discipline.
Cut up your credit cards.
Caculate all you owe and look at the sum total. Make a PLAN for paying it back.
Widen your circle of friends with refference to your interests not with refference to what last names they have. eg. if you love poetry/literature then go to readings.... make friends there
if you love art... same music.....same
If you can get involved with volunteer efforts... you seem to have spare time.... you need to fill it. Nothing grounds me faster than knowing that the $50 per child scholarship we administer for primary school girls in my state actually keeps them in school... with sandals, books, bag, uniform..etc
Mary J Bliges story in Oprahs mag reminded me of you. you need to read it.... google it!
I wish you all the best
http://www.thisdayonline.com/styles
http://www.thisdayonline.com/styles/site/
I think dis gal is in deep shyte cuz naija is known for wearing the best baffs and if u cant keep up then u aint happening. and if were happening before and u are still wearing last years gucci, omo your rivals fit cuss you oh, it is a stupid way to live. Naija girls will damn near look right thru if u r not someones pikin or realted to somborri in govt. dey all do attache and co and its never really going to end. so you have to develop a thick skin and keep it moving. I think u know what to do. stop being who people want you to be. this lifestyle change is probably going to hurt you deeply but you will be better for it. /and pls all u gals that like to act as if u r betta than other people stop that! because u know that yesterday u had to pay sule your house boy/cuzin from epetedo village N50 to fetch water to flush the toilet that u just shat in 2days ago because the pump wasnt working and all the dodi didnt go down! God forbid one of big girl friends find out their toilet dont flush..lol abeg everyones shit smells the same. I know u will pull thru
congratualtions Bella on your 100th post. its been a lovley ride so far. when are you going to start work on your magazine or book?
its a sad situation that ms.CYCATYS is facing. sorry. you need to find yourself and figure out how to get back on track. i agree with TM and i think you need to go cold turkey.
cut all those friends of yours off! and the ones true to you will always be there for you.
Entertaining blog. To start a magazine or book one would need fresh ideas not a collage of events from other magazines. I would like to see some original prose from this blog in order to agree.
My sister. The Almighty loves you. However you need to stop now.
But do not stop socializing. The next time that you are due to go out look through you wardrobs you will be surprised at what you have. I am sure a lot of things will almost be in duplicate. For garden parties etc try and dress casually. Let go off the stress of having two heavily padded shoulders.
Write what you own in Nigeria and the UK.It will put things into context. Compare it with what you earn in Nigeria and abroad it will not be easy.
I do not know your faith put a few years ago I wrote down all my debts and then I found myself singing into it the hymn "Oh Thou whose mighty word chaos and darkness heard and took their flight". About 2'3 years later my debts had come down by about 97%. Then I remembered the Hymn that I had sung and I gave God the Glory.
There is nothing you have done that someone else before you has not done but now is the tine for you to change your ways. Satan's biggest weapon is secrecy.Don't let this matter create more problems than it is worth. Confide in a sister, a mother figure but not friends.
The designer things, unnecessary holidays are not necessary for your existance neither do you need to do these things to remain in normal society at any level.
You do not want to know what some of these high fliers do to make their money
Lastly, without knowing if you were allowed home on holiday while you were at boarding school here to mix with other Nigerian kids. In various ways kids growing up in Nigeria are taught to stand up to other kids who think that they can opress with material things.
In addition excessive spending is also one of the signs of some deep emotions though not always.
Chin up, begin to make a start and you will begin to feel the changes and the burdens lift.
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